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One night stand - options on parental responsibility

(21 Posts)
GoingItAlone78 Sun 08-Oct-17 20:59:38

I'm due to have my baby in two weeks times after a one night stand - it was an honest mistake and I respect that the father was taken by surprise and dis not want anything to do with it at the time. I have however been emailing him every couple of months to keep him updated (even though he asks die not to) in the hope that he may want some form of contact at some point. He never responded to any of my emails in 7 months and the last email I sent was to ask him if he wanted to be named on the birth certificate in case he wanted access to his child one day. He got in touch a few days ago to say he has had time to think about things and would like to be on the birth certificate as things in life change and he doesn't want to have any regrets. I think this is great news for the child (even though I don't want anything from the father in terms of commitment etc) but a friend of mine was slightly concerned as she said this would give him full parental rights to the child in future. Has anyone been in a similar situation that could offer some sound advise? I don't know the father at all but am thinking about my baby first and what options he will have growing up and to be able to meet his father. My gut instinct is telling me to try and see if I can meet with his father to discuss the options and see what his intentions are? He will after all have to be present at the registration will he not? I'm also not sure if he is even in the UK at the moment as he left shortly after I fell pregnant for a job abroad. I have not responded to his email yet as would like to get some advice from other single mothers who may have or are in a similar position. Any ideas?

Ecureuil Sun 08-Oct-17 21:02:07

I would not be giving parental responsibility to someone who I don’t know and who has said they have no desire to be involved in their child’s life.

lookatyourwatchnow Sun 08-Oct-17 21:05:09

I think he should be named on the BC. It is a significant part of your child’s identity regardless of who the father is and what he is like.

Yes, it will mean he has PR. But he could make a court application for a PR Order if he wasn’t on the BC anyway, and would get it,

furryelephant Sun 08-Oct-17 21:06:05

Nope. I wouldn't (and haven't) put them on the BC. He could take your DC, not return them, and you'd have a hell of a fight to get them back. Being on the BC doesn't prevent a relationship between them, and if one develops he can be added at a later date if you want to.

MrsMozart Sun 08-Oct-17 21:08:37

I wouldn't.

You don't know him, but you'd have to 'share' the baby to him if he's on the birth certificate, if that's what he wanted.

UnbornMortificado Sun 08-Oct-17 21:09:54

Not a chance, it's a one night stand he could be abusive for all you know.

I stupidly put exbf on DD's, he's not allowed any contact but because he is on BC my husband (who has raised DD like his own) can't get parental responsibly without a court case.

Putting him onBC is one of the biggest mistakes I ever made.

donajimena Sun 08-Oct-17 21:10:40

I wouldn't. His name is on my firsts but not my second as he was too busy to come and register hmm as the eldest was born early 2003 he doesn't have PR for either. Which as it turns out is for the best as he is a massive bellend.

WatchTheFoxes Sun 08-Oct-17 21:12:03

No way would I put him on the birth certificate! He's trying to use you.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 08-Oct-17 21:12:55

No way at all. He's ignore you for seven months while you're pregnant. He doesn't want the child. Why would you give him the time of day, never mind parental responsibility?

Oh and claim child maintenance if he's in this country.

73Marie Sun 08-Oct-17 21:18:55

If you put his name on the birth certificate then he has exactly the same rights as you. Thats 50% of babys time back n forth, right to have an equal say in childs education, health etc.
My concern is that you don't know him at all because your about to spend the next 18 years co-parenting with this man. you need to meet him and get to know him fast. What does he want? What do you want?

I wouldn't want to do it personally ...I agree with previous comments... you can add him any time later. Get to know him...see how he goes building a relationship with baby first.

Also I don't think you can register baby now without dad present? So you would have to say you don't know who it is. All feels bit immoral if he turns out to be a great dad eh. But you must find out more before you decide when to do it.

DrJLee Sun 08-Oct-17 21:20:22

Getting to know him could be an option in the future but pause on the BC now.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sun 08-Oct-17 21:31:42

I'm not sure why you want to get to know someone who's treated you and your baby so badly.

Starlight2345 Sun 08-Oct-17 21:32:45

I absolutely would not do this for someone who wants no involvement with their child.

When you travel abroad regardless of no contact he should give you permission. The rights to decide schools, health.

If he wants contact then it doesn't need to be on the BC to do that and actually without PR the police are more likely to return..

This all may sound dramatic but you don't know this man. Read the boards there are so many married women who have been surprised by their partners behaviour despite been married for years and experienced behaviour they never expected.

The child has a right to know who their father does not have to be on a document that not only gives him rights but reduces yours.

I would focus on the baby, get them registered then contact the father. He isn't someone who has shown any interest yet.

stitchglitched Sun 08-Oct-17 21:34:48

No way. He can be added to the BC later if he decides to step up and be involved in the child's life but he can never be removed once he is on it. Make sure you give the baby your surname too.

megletthesecond Sun 08-Oct-17 21:36:19

Nope. Don't put him on the BC and give the babyvyour surname.

PinkMoony Sun 08-Oct-17 21:40:49

He might not even be living in the uk?! Don’t put him on there! He could take your child abroad if he has parental responsibility

Raisinbrain Sun 08-Oct-17 21:42:21

I was in a sort of similar situation with DS1 but didn’t have the choice of putting his bio father’s name (boyfriend not ONS) on the birth certificate as he wanted nothing to do with me.

I am glad that DS1 only has me on his birth certificate as it makes life so much easier for us. We have moved country and changed our names (to my husband’s name) and I never had to go looking for the guy to ask for permission to do those things.

We’ve been quite lucky really that his dad has stayed out of the picture. Things could be so much worse especially if he had rights.

Imonlyfuckinghuman Sun 08-Oct-17 21:44:02

I'm not sure why you want to get to know someone who's treated you and your baby so badly

This.

This man has shown his true colours the entire pregnancy. He has not given you one penny in support to get ready for his baby yet your willing to legally make him a parent.

You don't know him and you are giving him half of your precious new baby.

Just wait. Wait until your baby is born and your protective feelings flood in, then you can start building up a relationship with this stranger - because that's what he his.

You have six weeks before you have to register the baby. Make your decision then off his behaviour in those six weeks not of the possibly missguided expectations that you think he will turn in to some wonder dad.

And remember - don't fall in to the trap of being the all ever facilitator of their relationship (if one arises) he has to do the leg work.

One of the roles of being a new mum is protecting your baby - your baby may need protecting from this man - you have no idea who he is...

MysteryJellyfish Sun 08-Oct-17 21:51:14

Don’t do it.

Your child can have a relationship with him regardless.

He can only make your life a nightmare if he’s on the form.

You have everything to gain from not putting him on and everything to lose from doing it. His lack of response until now speaks volumes (he wants “ownership”).

C0untDucku1a Sun 08-Oct-17 21:51:29

Holy shit no. Do not put him on the bc. Do not force a relationship. You have no idea who he is! You dont even know if he is in the country. Protect your child.

Billi77 Sun 08-Oct-17 23:16:29

Absolutely no frigging way!

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