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Need a bit of advise, controlling ex!!

(10 Posts)
Cassy1981 Tue 03-Oct-17 22:01:22

Hi I'm new on here and could do with a little advise about my ex. I split with my daughters dad a little over a year ago and he's still trying to control me! He's constantly questioning where I'm going and what I'm doing, moans if I take my daughter somewhere without telling him first! He's constantly asking where I got this and that from, how much did it cost and why have I brought it! he starting stalking me on Facebook so I blocked him, he stalks me on an app called shpock, a selling site and is always asking why Im selling stuff. He picks my phone up off the side and reads my texts, looks at my call list, logs into my Facebook etc, so I put a passcode on it. It's getting to the point where I feel like packing my bags and leaving the area with my daughter and not ever contacting him again!!!! Which I know I couldn't really do as he would just hassle my parents. He gives me £40 every 2 weeks towards our daughter, which isn't a lot but it's better than nothing. But now he has told me he won't be giving me money anymore and will be taking our daughter out for a few hours instead. He then said that if I contact CSA for money off him he will start working cash in hand and he'll stop taking our daughter out and won't buy her anything and I won't get a penny off him!! (said he has already cleared this with his boss, he's a roofer and its classes as self employed and was getting cash in hand before but decided to go legal so I know his boss will pay him cash in hand).. My parents buy my daughter more things than he does, in fact the only time since splitting up that he has bought her anything was on her birthday and Christmas last year. I currently don't work as I can't get my daughter of the breast, been trying since she was 6 months old and she comfort sucks a lot!! I mentioned to him that I might return to work for a few hours a week and put our daughter in a nursery as I'm really struggling money wise and it ended in an argument! He said there is no way she is going to nursery until she's 3!! Sorry if I'm woffeling a bit, I have no one to turn to. I don't have any friends and he's constantly grinding me down, I feel so alone and don't know what to do.. Any advise will be welcome

Quartz2208 Tue 03-Oct-17 22:03:47

He cannot control you, he has no right to ask these things. Neither though should breastfeeding stop you working (from experience) how old is she

pictish Tue 03-Oct-17 22:06:58

Pack your bags and leave the area like you suggest? I know...that's very flippant but really....he's a grade A wanker and needs to be got rid of.
You know he's got no right to question you and threaten you? Don't give him houseroom or any means of contact with you except email and only regarding arrangements for your daughter, nothing else...do and go wherever you please and advise him to speak to a solicitor. That's my advice.

Cassy1981 Tue 03-Oct-17 22:14:22

I know he has no right to do any of the things but he still does it. He's very controlling and very minipulativr. She will be 2 the end of November, I finally got her drinking out of sippy cup a few month back but she still comfort sucks a lot, even wakes up 4 or 5 times in the night to comfort suck. This is why I was going to put her in nursery for a few hours a week, she doesn't breastfeed much during the day and I thought if I wasn't around her much it might make it easier to get her off the breast.

Cassy1981 Tue 03-Oct-17 22:30:47

And moving away from the area is easier said than done, I have no where to go and don't have much money. I've asked the council for move but they said it could take years as I'm allready housed in a 2 bed masonette. And I know he will hassle my parents. He can get very violent. And yes I know he's a wanker that's why I left him, he threatened to kill me, our daughter and himself and chased us down the stairs with a knife!!!! I knocked my neighbours doors on the way down the stairs and Luckily my neighbour opened her door and let me and my daughter in. I tryed getting an injunction against him but they said I didn't qualify as he had to be violent towards me more than once( this was the only time he ever was) and police did nothing, he got arrested a couple of months later and the arresting officer just told him to say that he was too drunk to remember, he got let off with a caution. Social services got involved and they said that because police let him off and his name is on her birth certificate I can't stop him from seeing her.

pictish Tue 03-Oct-17 22:38:11

I do understand that OP. I'm so sorry you are having this - there seems so little support for women in this situation. You could call Women's Aid for advice. They are very good.

Cassy1981 Tue 03-Oct-17 22:43:44

I spoke to women's aid when all this happened just over a year ago but to be honest they wasn't very helpful. I really do wish I could just up and leave!

ShowMePotatoSalad Fri 06-Oct-17 12:53:47

He has no right to ask you any personal questions. Having a DD with him does not make you his property nor does it mean you have to be at his beck and call.

Do not let him touch your phone again. Why is he around you long enough to be able to pick up your phone? Try to limit contact to him picking up your DD and dropping her off again. Do it on the doorstep if needed. Get your DD ready for contact beforehand so you can do a quick handover.

Do not respond to questions about money, about where you are going or who you are seeing. If he keeps on just don't say anything. You don't have to reply to any messages or phonecalls from him. Aside from face to face, keep just one form of only (voicemail) that he could contact in an emergency.

If he texts you asking you questions, ignore them. Think of it this way: what could you say to him in response that would satisfy him and make him go away? Nothing. So the best thing to do is ignore him.

A manipulative and controlling person will continually try to get a rise out of people around them. They will say horrible things, make threats etc. Make a record of everything he says to you and do not hesitate to contact the police if he harasses you or intimidates you in any way.

It's time for you to establish some protective boundaries. Never show emotion around him and manipulative people feed off emotion. Never let him wear you down with threats or guilt tripping. Put those walls up now and don't let them come down. I promise you this will significantly improve things.

Cassy1981 Tue 10-Oct-17 22:11:21

Hi thank you for your advise. I've been trying to do all those things for a while but he doesn't seem to listen. If I ignore his calls or texts for any longer than a day he phones the police to kick my door in telling them that he thinks something has happened to Me or his daughter, this has happened 4 times since we split up. The once I had 275 missed calls and 97 txt messages in the space of 2 hours. He then buzzed my buzzer to my massinette and because there was no answer he phoned the police. I wasn't home anyway and returned an hour later to find police sat in my flat. I told them that he's harassing me and borderline stalking me but they did nothing.

The reason he comes to mine to visit his daughter is because he works 7 days a week. He gets to mine for about 7pm and by that time I'm about to get her ready for bed. He never takes her anywhere except to the shop sometimes which is 2 minutes up the road. And to be honest if he was to take her out for the day I don't know if I could trust him to bring her back. He's been on about taking her on holiday for 2 weeks next year on his own and I'm really nervous about her going and don't think he could cope with her anyway, she can be a handful and terrible 2s have started. He has a short fuse and he has sworn and shouted at her quite a few times(she's only 22 months), then when I say something he just says well she's got to learn. I keep telling him to stop swearing infront of her too and he says it don't matter she will pick swear words up anyway. I just don't know what else to do anymore, I feel like we are still together but doesn't live with me.

Starlight2345 Thu 12-Oct-17 14:51:21

A few things I would do..This is firstly harrassment..Talk to the police about this..Also talk to HV about him.

I would also personally be telling him if he wants to see his DD he needs to do it in a contact centre..

He gives you £40 a fortnight and works seven days a week..Not your issue. 7pm is too late for access for a 2 year old.

RE breast feeding.. I BF for 2 years. I wanted it to stop but also DS used my boob for comfort.. I cut down gradually.. Down to only nap times/ bedtimes and through night..After he started nursery. I got him going down nap time then finally night time. At 2 they very much want there own way however offer cup then distract and move on..

My guess is seeing DD is nothing to do with her more about seeing you/ controlling you. It is more complicated with the self employed but I would say unless you increase my maintenance I will be looking for a job. In other circumstances I would say just go to CSA.. I really don't think the CMS/CSA seems to deal with Self employed at all.

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