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Why did my ex have to change?!

(92 Posts)
PussPuss86 Wed 20-Sep-17 20:44:17

Split up with ex 2 years ago after 5 years together. Never married. We split amicably and I thought we got on well. We continued living together for a few months, and I met my now DP in that time. Ex was supportive of my relationship, and had our DD lots to enable me to see my DP and develop my relationship. He was amazing. I got to go on holidays with friends and my DP, if I wanted to go out I could. He was always there and supportive. He paid me well despite being on 45/55 custody split as he moved in with his mum for a while. We were always texting and chatting on the phone. He took extra time off work to settle our DD into school as I had ran out of holiday. I thought I'd nailed co parenting. Things were great....until he met his GF

they've been together about 18 months and over time he's become more and more distant and I resent her for it. We no longer text and chat really, obviously about DD but not in the friendly way we used to. We used to have such a lovely and flexible arrangement, but now he rarely has DD extra and insists we stick to a schedule as best as possible as DD needs consistency! I feel he just wants to spend time with her! He thinks we should stick to 50/50 during the holidays yet he clearly has more holiday than me as he's just been away with his gf ...surely that's better spent on our DD?

I just feel shut out. When I met my DP I didn't change a thing. Why can't he be the same?

PollytheDoily Wed 20-Sep-17 21:00:13

You are sort of BU. It was all your way really wasn't it. Almost dreamlike. Ex supporting you and your new DP.

Your ex is moving on now. Sounds like 50/50 for DD. Be happy for him and do the best between you all for DD. Things change.

ToddlersAndCoffee Thu 21-Sep-17 05:10:32

You are being incredibly unreasonable.

PussPuss86 Thu 21-Sep-17 08:05:59

Why do you think that?

Genericusername9 Thu 21-Sep-17 08:12:01

Sounds like you had the best of both worlds, now you don't.

I'd say YABU now that you can't have your cake and eat it.

So long as he is being a good father to the little one and sticks to the agreed schedule for contact I don't think you have much to complain about.

PussPuss86 Thu 21-Sep-17 08:19:48

The other week I tried to drop DD off early and he complained as he was in London with his friends. Once upon a time he would have j need at the chance to have DD extra. Is that being a good father?

I suppose he does want 50/50 but no one has a child with someone to be exactly 50/50

I'd not complain if the roles were reveresed

Genericusername9 Thu 21-Sep-17 08:47:52

So he scheduled his leisure activities for a time when he didn't have the child? Yes, that is what a good father does.

ToddlersAndCoffee Thu 21-Sep-17 08:56:49

You can't just expect him to just randomly drop everything just to suit you... he clearly loves his dd and is very involved which is brilliant but he has a life too and its very unreasonable to expect him to drop everything for you - your not his priority, his dd is! Him sticking to the agreed schedule is all you should should be expecting. You can't just tell him to jump and expect him to say how high... it's not really fair on him.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 21-Sep-17 09:01:18

You'd not complain if the roles were reversed?

You are complaining.

If you were away somewhere when your ex had your DD you wouldn't be racing back if your ex decided on a whim to drop her back to you earlier with no discussion at all.

You're complaining about having your dc during your own scheduled time with her. Why don't you want to spend time with your DD? Or is that line only trotted out for your ex?

Toffeelatteplease Thu 21-Sep-17 11:36:47

You To be honest the example you've given is why you need to keep to a schedule.

It's good parenting practice to organise your social life outside of when you have your child. If you turn up unexpectedly its you using your child distress not him. If he wasn't there when he had agreed it would be that's different.

It does sound like for a long time he didn't really get his "single" life in order so he was happy to ensure "on call" because chances are he wasn't doing anything much anyway. this had the

VimFuego101 Thu 21-Sep-17 11:41:25

It sounds like you just enjoyed having him jump when you said jump, to be honest. You were happy for him to have your DD more when you were in a new relationship, but now he is in a similar situation you're calling him out on it. There's nothing wrong with having a social life outside of the time that he's scheduled to have his daughter.

Allthelightsgoout Thu 21-Sep-17 11:46:36

So when you met your DP he had DD lots so you could spend time with him, go on holiday and go out whenever you wanted and now you're resentful that he's met someone and wants to spend time with her?

Can you not see that?

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 21-Sep-17 12:06:07

I'm afraid you are being a bit unreasonable. You can't have your cake and eat it. Would you be comfortable with your current DP being really close to another woman? Constantly texting and talking? I think it's healthier for both your relationships if you aren't quite as close as you have been. That's just life and how relationships function. You can still get on - you don't need to be in each other's pockets 24/7.

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 21-Sep-17 12:09:34

Also have you considered that the reason he has drifted away somewhat is that you don't seem to have any boundaries? Trying to drop your DD off early when your ex is in London, then calling him a bad father because he didn't agree, shows you lack boundaries and don't actually treat him with much respect. And just because you supposedly wouldn't complain if he did the same is irrelevant - he didn't do anything wrong by not agreeing to go along with your spare of the moment whim. Sorry OP, I don't mean to be harsh but I have to be truthful in my opinion. I agree with a PP - you want him to jump when you say jump and are now angry that he will not do this.

PussPuss86 Thu 21-Sep-17 13:28:35

This isn't about me. It's about my DD

I want things flexible so she can go to sleepovers etc . I think my ex should be around when I drop off. If there's a last minute change, why shouldn't he be ok with that when it's about our DD? If he knows he's getting her on a particular day, surely he should be prepared for changes rather than filling up his time with his new family?

I tried to call him this morning and as usual there is no answer. He said he was busy on his bike, but that never used to be the case. If he's not available to discuss our DD I don't know why I bother

I understand I am a bit of a hypocrite with the way I was early in my relationship, but my DD is my number one priority. He's reluctant to even speak to me now and wants me to text him things - not on!

RandomMess Thu 21-Sep-17 13:34:07

He wants needs some emotional distance from you.

You're not his partner anymore on any level. He needs room in his life to build a relationship with his new partner and move on.

Yes it hurts and isn't as "nice", be respectful of what he wants and in time it's more likely to become friendly and flexible again. Perhaps his partner was fed up of being "ditched"/having plans changed last minute because you wanted him to have DD at short notice/last minute?

Keep your requests to alter things to a minimum. It would be reasonable to ask him to have her for extra time in the school holidays but do it now for next year?

StormTreader Thu 21-Sep-17 13:39:49

"I want things flexible so she can go to sleepovers etc . I think my ex should be around when I drop off."

Just look at how much "I" there is going on there. You want things "flexible" because that is what works best for YOU. If she has a sleepover then you ask him in advance if thats ok for him. Always being available when you want him to be is partner territory, he carried on giving that to you when you broke up because he had no reason not to, but now he does. You've essentially had two partners in terms of emotional support and that must have been lovely, but that time is over now. You cant expect him to hang around all day on the off-chance that you'll decide you want to hand over your DD early, or always be available for a chat just because you want to.

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 21-Sep-17 13:44:29

I think it's understandable that he doesn't want to speak to you very much. You sound completely unreasonable. It looks like you've managed to alienate him to such an extent that he will no longer be able to be flexible, as if he gives an inch you will take a mile. If you carry on this way he won't want texts either - it will transfer completely to email conversations and mostly they will be ignored unless an emergency. If it got to that stage I wouldn't blame him for a single second.

ZeroFuchsGiven Thu 21-Sep-17 13:46:17

You are being completely unreasonable, You are expecting him to act like you are still in a relationship.

Quartz2208 Thu 21-Sep-17 13:46:34

Extra on top - so he has her more than you? and you want him to have the holidays more than you?

Having a schedule for flexibility when sleepovers and parties comes up is not what you are asking, you are asking for him to have her early for you, not for her.

What do you need to discuss regarding your DD, you are coparenting you are not in a relationship - things can and should be done via text and email to a schedule.

Where is the return at letting him do what you did, get into a relationship. When you wanted to do it its fine, now he does its unfair to your DD.

It is about you and that is why he is stepping back - he wants to be a dad and be in a relationship with his girlfriend, he does not need or want to be close friends with you

zippey Thu 21-Sep-17 13:51:15

He will probably lower the maintenance amount too.

I think you need to realise that he now has someone else in his life who is just as important as your daughter is to him.

AnneLovesGilbert Thu 21-Sep-17 13:51:19

I understand I am a bit of a hypocrite

Who on earth do you think you are?

If there's a last minute change, why shouldn't he be ok with that when it's about our DD? you mean you had other plans and expected him to hop to and obey you? What's this got to do with your DD?

surely he should be prepared for changes rather than filling up his time with his new family? see, this is what makes me think you can't be serious and are just trying to wind people up. Have a little read of your posts and imagine what you'd say if he expected the same of you.

He's reluctant to even speak to me now can't possibly imagine why hmm

You come across as spoiled, immature, demanding, disrespectful of him and his time, completely unreasonable and very dramatic.

And I expect you'll "keep bothering" because even when he's trying to coparent in a sensible way with some structure and draw some boundaries, his time, energy and cash make your life an awful lot easier.

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 21-Sep-17 13:54:27

Anne I think this is either a joke or seriously unhinged individual. Very, very strange that this person seems to enjoy the fact they're a hypocrite. I think (hope) it's a wind up - no one could be this blatantly and self-consciously awful.

Toffeelatteplease Thu 21-Sep-17 13:55:34

That really is normality. It is normal for people to have lives and it is normal for people not necessarily being able to drop everything last minute.

Flexibility is fantastic but you have to be realistic too. Where he was able to be over available for a long time it has protected you from the reality of split parenting. Now the reality hits.

It will probably never be the way it was but he sounds like a decent guy so give him a more little respect and a little more time, and you more time, for everything to settle into its right place

ShowMePotatoSalad Thu 21-Sep-17 13:56:40


His DD can still be the most important person in the world to him, even if he doesn't agree to everything OP wants him to do. His love for his DD is not remotely linked to how subservient he is to his ex - that would be utterly bonkers.

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