Ex keeps cancelling seeing kids

[lizzieoak]

Been divorced over a decade, kids now just launched and last year of school. Grown one refused to see him last few years (not entirely sure why, general asshattery on his part I think), but then wanted to try again, arranged to meet for a coffee, he cancelled at the last minute & has not tried to rearrange.

Younger one has always seen exh once a week for overnights. Younger one has been away all summer and now, despite being home 2 weeks, has still not seen his dad. First it was dad was "too tired", then (after making a firm time for Saturday) texted to say "actually I'm out with friends instead, tomorrow would be good", then "I'm too tired" again.

Ds is "aggravated" & declined to rebook for today. His dad has not called him, barely texted.

After the divorce he chose not to split custody as he said he "couldn't cope" with younger school aged kids. But this level of disengagement is new.

Me asking him what's up won't work as he can be pretty combative/feel very sorry for himself.

But I wonder how to support the kids. I feel I'm a bit crap at saying the right thing. I settled on (yesterday) "well, I can see why you'd be aggravated, I'm sorry that's happening", but it sounds a bit pat?

[BlackeyedSusan]

well there is not a lot you can say really when ex is being completely useless.

validating their feelings, because being aggravated/pissed off, disappointed, gutted, that your dad cba to see you is appropriate.

[GreenTulips]

How old are they now?

[kittybiscuits]

Wow. He sounds like a waste of space. Are your DCs able to be honest and say what they think and feel about him?

[ourkidmolly]

Well what can you do? He's a total shit. Just support them and try to ensure that they know it's not them.

[Boatmistress17]

Sounds like they have wised up that's all. .
Karma has reached your exh. .

[Starlight2345]

I think at this age you just need to support here feeling allow their feelings to be validates..You don't have to slag him off to let the children know there feelings are supported..And very justified.

[lizzieoak]

I feel a bit badly too as I kept saying to ds "you should make arrangements to see your dad" as I wanted to support him seeing him.

Just seems a bit pat to say "I can understand why you're aggravated" or "you sound annoyed". I'm a bit crap at sounding sincere about that stuff though I feel sincere!

[ForgotwhatIcameinherefor]

As my DD gets older I make sure to keep reminding her that it's about him being a selfish excuse, not a reflection on her. Not least because I want her to understand it as it's happening so she won't be open his to lies and manipulation in a few years when I wouldn't put it past him to try and guilt trip our by then adult DD into "owing" him in his old age.