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Ex taking me to court, what to expect?

(26 Posts)
TeddyIsaHe Sun 20-Aug-17 07:28:39

I've never been through this process before so just wondering if someone could run through it with me.

Ex has refused to see dd at all for weeks. When we do arrange contact if I do anything to annoy him prior he will cancel to punish me.
I have endless amounts of evidence of his lack of parenting - when she was first born I stayed with family while my house sale went through, after 2 weeks he went back to work and refused to travel the hour to where I was staying to see dd, making me bring a newborn to him. I don't drive so had to get taxis and buses to facilitate this. I had a 2nd degree tear, stitches and was in a lot of pain, but because he didn't like my family he point blank refused.

I have never ever stopped him from seeing dd, I've gone out of my way to make sure she sees him. He has never made the effort to organise anything at all. And now he is going to court with it all. I'm more than happy for dd to spend time with him, but I just wondered what the court process would entail?

OP’s posts: |
CanThisWait Sun 20-Aug-17 07:36:24

If your post is truthful, I can't see the courts being that bothered tbh. (As in, they're not going to award him full custody or anything!)
Does he may maintenance? The courts may order he pays x amount, and sees DD y amount of days. It's infuriating though, because if he doesn't stick to it there's not much you can do! But it just means the routine is more set in stone so to speak. Print off all communication you have with him, be prepared for him to lie and say you made things difficult. Go with a clear plan of when you want him to have DD so every other weekend and two nights a week for example, that'll show the court you're willing to reach a proper arrangement smile xxx

TeddyIsaHe Sun 20-Aug-17 07:55:59

Unfortunately it is true, he is a very difficult person!

I'd actually prefer a set timetable when he has her, so I think he's shooting himself in the foot here if it's actually court-ordered rather than him deciding when etc (so never 😂).

Do you think it's worth me seeing a solicitor next week to get everything in order from my side?

OP’s posts: |
Mrscropley Sun 20-Aug-17 07:57:43

Def see a solicitor. .

TeachesOfPeaches Sun 20-Aug-17 08:06:44

Yes get legal advice. The court process takes ages, my ex has taken me to court and the process started last October and he still hasn't seen my son.

TeddyIsaHe Sun 20-Aug-17 08:06:59

He is so frustrating, I honestly don't even think he wants a relationship with dd at all, he's just using the threat of court to intimidate and worry me. Who does that to the mother of their child?!

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TeddyIsaHe Sun 20-Aug-17 08:08:12

Oh wow Teaches I didn't realise it took so long. I've been working myself up into such a panic about it all, if it's going to take months maybe I can relax a bit. But will et in touch with a solicitor tomorrow and get the ball rolling anyway.

OP’s posts: |
MyOtherProfile Sun 20-Aug-17 08:09:14

Does he pay maintenance? If not maybe this will be your chance to put that right.

TeachesOfPeaches Sun 20-Aug-17 08:22:54

Maintenance and contact are two separate issues. Maintenance is not covered by the courts, only contact.

Yes it can take several months to get anywhere depending on the issues. Mine is taking extra long as there are issues with domestic violence so I have got a non molestation order against him and he is having to take a domestic violence course before he can see my son in a contact centre.

TeddyIsaHe Sun 20-Aug-17 08:23:56

He does, I had to open a case with CMS because he was making me list everything I needed for dd and then deciding if that was important enough to pay. Or not paying me and telling me on the day he wasn't going to.

OP’s posts: |
Whoknows11 Sun 20-Aug-17 12:31:11

I've experience with my ex taking me to court to enable him to see his children. It was actually very straight forward. I didn't even take my solicitor as she said I was an intelligent woman and could do as good a job as she could (this made me rethink my career as a nurse and maybe train to become a lawyer 😂).

Go with the evidence, go with a plan and seem willing. They'll laugh at him and his excuses! My ex just used it as a controlling method too. When they asked me when he could see his children over xmas and I offered xmas day and Boxing Day, it turned out he was busy and could only see them on the 27th Dec! Just laughable he paid solicitors fees for that embarrassing show!

Anyway, stay strong and know that you are doing what's best for your child 💪🏻

TeddyIsaHe Sun 20-Aug-17 13:24:23

That's great advice Whoknows thank you!

I guess I'm worried he's going to make up lies about me to try and prove I'm a terrible mother, and the thought of that is awful. So calm, collected and with a plan should help to settle my nerves down.

I wish he was adult enough to just sort this out between ourselves and stop forcing so much drama and stress into dd's life. Utterly pointless.

OP’s posts: |
suz25 Sun 20-Aug-17 13:36:33

I have been through this recently
The court welfare officer will be appointed to ensure the child's best interests are always a priority
The officer will see through BS and also see where the child feels more at ease
. If he has not got a good relationship with the dad they will since that
Also the fact that you have encouraged contact and gone out of your way to ensure that will reassure the courts that this is not down to you
They will also question why he wants a court order if he is not already maintaining a good contact routine
It looks like he just wants control over you and that is what the courts will see .
It is a very expensive process as each time you attend court you need a barrister present . I would NOT go without one
Good luck .

Chillyegg Sun 20-Aug-17 13:44:59

Yeah he's going to look like a dick. My experience in court with my ex has just finished. It took longer cus of DV that was proven and then contact established in a contact centre. I now have a prohibitive steps order so he can't take her out the country and I have a residency order. He now sees her on a Tuesday and every other Saturday

Whoknows11 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:42:22

The cafcass officer (social worker) will chat with you and your ex separately so you'll be able to point out all the times you've made your child available then. They'll see through him in an instant - they must get loads of 'men' like him.

My ex still loves the fact he took me to court! He wanted a court order to which one wasn't needed as I wasn't stopping him from seeing his children in the first place. It was such a time waster. 2 years later it's still all on his terms and no doubt always will be. My children will soon see through him and I'll be there to pick up the pieces. Still they have a good relationship with him now and that's what matters!

Best of luck!

TeddyIsaHe Sun 20-Aug-17 14:50:31

Thank you everyone, this is really putting my mind at ease. It's awful knowing you've all been through something similar though, it shouldn't have to be this way.

The only time I have ever stopped him from seeing dd was when he wanted to take her out with a woman I've never met, who he knows I have an issue with (he had a drunken fling with her whilst I was pregnant) and instead offered him to have dd at my house and I would leave so I didn't get in his way. Luckily I have all the messages from this exchange, so there is some evidence. But apparently that was me stopping him see his daughter and now he obviously has to take me to court. Bearing in mind he hasn't seen her for 6 weeks now, even with me trying everything under the sun to make it easy for him. Such a crap situation.

OP’s posts: |
Mrscropley Sun 20-Aug-17 14:52:04

Please please make sure you go through the cafcass report thoroughly. . Tell your solicitor anything in it that's untrue - you are entitled to question it. My ex took me to court for MY dc not OUR dc and took 4 years - cafcass admitted their entire report was based on crap my ex had told them. . Judge deemed it actually damaging to my dc to have anything to do with him at all.
He lost.

TeddyIsaHe Sun 20-Aug-17 15:06:33

I will be going through it with a fine tooth comb. I won't let him attempt to portray me as a bad person to get his own way. I truly hope the judge will see what he's put me through, and dd for the last 7 months and rule accordingly. I don't want him to never see her, just stop using her as a way to get back at me!

OP’s posts: |
RoseNarene Sun 20-Aug-17 22:40:09

I also represented myself at the first hearing for a child arrangement order. They don't look at evidence (not until later hearings) but with or without a solicitor, you should write a position statement. There are templates all over the internet. Happy to send you mine (which was edited and approved by a solicitor). I won my case by the way!! At least until the final hearing in December anyway.

The best piece of advice I can give is this: not only must you keep the best interests of the children at heart, but you must always PHRASE everything in this way. For example, the CAFCASS lady told me off because I used the phrase "you can see the kids every other weekend" or something like that, and she wanted me to say stuff like "the kids will get to see you every other weekend". I found it a bit patronising and pedantic but hey! there it is. When we went into the hearing, the magistrates actually congratulated me on how much I was putting the kids' interests first so it goes a long way to emphasise just how much it is all about them, not you.

Cinna1 Wed 23-May-18 14:29:28


I am currently going through this. I wonder if anyone could share an example position statement. I am so worried about not doing a good job with this as my ex stresses me out so much. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. My first hearing is at the beginning of July.

I'd be grateful for any help

@Cinna1 - try here:

It has advice on production of a position statement, as well as a link to a sample one.

Starlight2345 Wed 23-May-18 19:49:18

Can I ask have you been to mediation?

Do you know what he is even asking for ?

How old is little one ?

I don’t know your financial situation but McKenzie friends I think they are called can help if you can’t afford a solicitor

Cinna1 Thu 24-May-18 09:42:30

Thank you for the help smile

We agreed to go forward to Mediation but the ex decided at the last minute he would prefer to go to Court.

Our daughter is 3.

I have received a letter from CAFCASS this morning and they will be contacting me for a telephone appointment (30 mins) before the Court date. Another thing to worry about.

I find Courts and everything so stressful. I honestly just want whats best for my little one.

Starlight2345 Thu 24-May-18 22:06:41

When you speak to Cafass talk in facts . Also I will say you don’t have to roll over to everything here.

Mercy5775 Mon 21-Jan-19 15:59:52

Hi! So after reading everyone's post thought I would share my experience and see if anyone can help! My little one is and his father have never been together or lived together since I was pregnant and decided to sleep with 6 other women therefore I kept my self respect and left at 6 months pregnant..i have allowed contact since birth.. twice in the week and all day bit has now decided he doesn't want to go any more and point blank refusing to attend..this all started from when I have moved into a n3w home with my new partner and had a new baby..we invited my boys dad round to see the house ect to confirm to my boy we are all one family and done my best to maintain this however when my ex visited my was very aggressive talking down about me and my partner in front of my son.. stormed out and punched a hole in the wall outside our apartment. My son witnessed this and the problems developed from here. Long story short he has never had a good relationship with his dad.. always being hungover in b3d when he visited and would be his mum to try and keep up the contact. When she is on holidays his dad doesn't ever bother to have him. However my ex has now got the deluded picture that I am brain washing our son that only my family matters when I have various messages to both him and his mum encouraging contact. Their opinion is that o should force our son to go when he is crying he doesn't want to be with his dad's as he juat shouts and they go to the pub and drinks beer and he drives! He asked for mediation which I refused as I hadn't heard from him all ocer Christmas not even a phone call and my point was there is no5hinf to mediate as I don't refuse contact and I'm not forcing him to go as they ate saying I should! So i now assume it will be a court case? I just feel sick at the thought of someone forcing my little one to do something and go some where when he is so distressed to do so..what will 5he outcome likely Be? Your help would be so much appreciated!xx

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