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Feeling so guilty about thinking of leaving my husband

(8 Posts)
AreDadsAllowed20 Sat 29-Jul-17 00:01:04

Hello everyone, I have been with my husband and best friend for seven years and married for a few of them.
We have had our ups and downs like every other couple, but since we got married and had our baby I'm just finding things such hard work.
His my best friend and we have only spent the odd week apart for holidays in the seven years. But the thing is his confidence.....since the beginning his always been so shy and quiet around other people and only had a couple of friends he met online gaming.
I have worked so hard to help build relationships for him with his family and have encouraged friendships as much as I can (it's not attractive) but even still after seven years he only goes out a handful of times with friends like literally 5 times a year MAX!
His ver self conscious about his weight and other personal features, I have encouraged him the best I can to do something about them over the years, but nothing has changed physically or physiologically over the years. He has got better but still only speaks when spoken too in public and very short answers.
I'm worried what effect this will have on our child as they grow seeing their other daddies lack of confidence and how they never want to try new things and do things that involve exercise. I love him so dearly but I want our child to have the best possible childhood and grow to be a strong outgoing person, as all parent just want the best for them. But oh his days off, he doesn't take her out, doesn't think about places for her to go ect, only to the supermarket. She is nearly two and would love to go to the park, farm, zoo, or play centres with him but there's always an excuse whether it be money, weather, his tired or he will leave it too late and she'll be due for a nap, so he can't.
Don't get me wrong his an amazing father too her (when not in public) he's the fun one and she has the best time with him! 100% but she will get older and realise her daddy isn't the same at home as he is out and I don't want her getting hurt, or she'll ask to do things that he isn't willing to do due to his weight and that will effect her too.
Also (sorry to over share even more) but since we got married, he has refused for me to have sex with him, which has made me feel so low confidence wise myself and obviously frustrated. I should explain that we are in a gay relationship and are two men, so he has sex with me since we got married but not the other way round if that makes sense?!
Things have been financially tight fir a while now, but we are okay, our daughter has everything she needs as if we, just not lots of luxuries and at the end of every month in can be a tad tight.
He says that his constantly worrying about this as his the one that sorts out all the payments ect (I contribute but his uncharge of that area) so his always tired and always focussing in that and that's why he dies the take her out ect, but the park is free and play groups are a pound odd, do you know whether I mean?
As I said above his a gamer, I got him down to three nights a week after so much upset. But then those three nights he will be up till 1am/2am and ignore me and our child if she wakes the whole night from 9pm and be so exhausted the next day that his falling asleep on the sofa at 9pm
And wants to go to bed. So to me the nights he doesn't play his asleep at 9/10 and the nights he does play his got his head phones on at 9/10 so his gone and most weeks his playing almost everyday again.
I have just gone back to work after having 8 months off as we moved four hours away to save money and our marriage plus hopefully have another child. It took me a while to settle her and find a new job that fit around childcare. Also the gamer friends he has are near here so I thought it would help with his confidence. But I just feel so isolated and that it's just me and my daughter and I'm really resenting her going to nursery for the first time and getting all this sickness from there and being away from her for three days a week and him just loaning all the time that his tired as now he has sole responsibility for her for those days.
I came home a few hours early one night and he was gaming and she was screaming upstairs, (we have a twenty minute rule as sometimes she whinges and then goes off) But it scares me that the nights I'm not there with her she's screaming alone and his gaming. He promised me that's not the case and he is a really good dad when it comes to fun stuff. But she's my whole world and will always come first.

I'm sorry for the huge essay, this is my first post. I'm contemplating moving back home and leaving him. But I'm overcome with so much guilt towards him as he doesn't have anyone really, plus to take away his child from him would devastate them both.
I don't know if I'm being a terrible father and selfish for doing it as like I said it would be four hours away from each other and I would be leaving him in so much debt (I would give what I can to him every month to help) his my best friend as I say but I don't know how much I can do this anymore, I'm in my early 30s but it feels like I'm living a life of a 60yr old at times!
He has threatened to kill himself when I have tried to break things in the past and last year before we moved when I tried to break things he said he would take my daughter from me. We had her via surrogacy but she's legally 100% ours.
On top of all of that, I don't know whether I would do financially as if I left it would just be means her and I'm assuming I would be on benefits, I don't know how much help I would get if any, so am i giving her a crap life until I get sorted again.
Just feel so guilty about everything, wish we could just spilt amicably and still be friends but I don't see it happening, tbh whet I really wish is for all the above to change and us to live happily ever after but I don't see that happening and I feel like I'm sacrificing my own happiness and shine for him just to plod along the way he is.
Again sorry for the post, just really need some advice.

eyebrowsonfleek Sat 29-Jul-17 12:17:47

Does your husband acknowledge that there is something very wrong (maybe depression)? If he thinks that everything is fine then there is nothing that you can do. Would he go to counselling? It sounds like there is a lot wrong and counselling might put him on the road to change.

As he's a good dad then a 50/50 care plan might be best for everyone. For benefit information you could try entitledto or other sites.

AreDadsAllowed20 Sat 29-Jul-17 15:05:35

I have tried for a few years for us to go to couples counselling or for him to go, but it never happens.
He says his games are his escape, from life and work and he can just get away from it all.
Would 100% do 50/50 parenting if I was to leave, it's just hard and selfish breaking up a family because I'm unhappy and if he was honest with himself I think he is too but he always says the opposite.
I'm going to really try the next few months, thank you

Fabulousdahlink Wed 09-Aug-17 07:42:11

It is clear from your post that you love your child and that you are unhappy in your relationship. Your partner is emotionally withdrawn from you and spending no time with you as a loving partner would..through either depression...or because they choose to. I was in a very similar situation for. The last 7yrs of my 24 year relationship. It is soul.destroying as the relationship is not the loving nurturing parnership you once had and have hopes that can be rekindled for your own needs as well as for maintaining your family life.
I can see you have tried to make changes and make space for you as a couple dealing with the gaming..I too had to compete for adult time but Gaming won. I tried, asked..in the end I got a blanket refusal..and he withdrew entirely. So I was basically parenting my child whilst living with someone who just had their own seperate life. I was married in name only and financially trapped.
I was very unhappy for a very long time..and my children grew up in that environment. (As an aside he was serially unfaithful and in the end left with my friend. Whilst I am not insinuating this is your case, I was devasted and scared and worried about money. ) Whilst the last 4 months have been vile, things are settling down. Yes I am now a single parent on benefits..but truely happier without the yoke and stress of living with someone who simply stopped making the effort to be my partner despite me doing everything I could to pour love and support into our relationship.
My children are old enough to know how cold my marriage became..I thought staying and sorting it out was the right thing to do...but in hindsight once he withdrew love and support and just served his own needs I should have stopped trying and left. Our relationship was over long before he left me. I am not sorry he has gone and on reflection I wish my kids had not had to live through those bad years..it wasnt the model of a positive relationship I would have wanted them to experience..
Only you can tell whether this is a bump in the road in a long happy relationship...or if your partner is capable of or even wants to meet your needs as a loving partner would want to. You need to talk to him. Explain that this cant continue and you are comitted.to making it work as long as he is. Be prepared though that he may not be able to be the partner you need him to be..and to walk away if you have to. Your child can have two parents..two happy ( but different homes) better than 1 unhappy one and better to raise them in a single positive parenting model than a cold partnership. They deserve better..and I have huge guilt about staying when the parent in me should have left- I.wasnt brave enough to go..and in the end he left. It is far from easy when you have tried and tried and loved and cared and hoped for change that didnt come. It is hard financially to accept a different sort of future than you foresaw. I hope your other half can step up..but dont feel guilty for stepping away. Your goals of life with him and a second child may not be his goals or something he is even capable of.
Good luck and keep posting. Mnetters have kept me going through all this.

AreDadsAllowed20 Mon 14-Aug-17 15:43:55

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation and what you and your children have gone through over the years.
We have decided to have a trial separation as think its for the best atm.

Haven't been on benefits, so just trying to figure out what help I can get for me and my little girl till we get back on our feet again 😢

Fabulousdahlink Wed 16-Aug-17 08:47:36

Aredadsallowed20
All relationships are different and only the two of you know if you both have the capacity to grow and change and move forward. I really do understand the desire for it to be good again like before and the huge amount of love and effort you put in to make it happen.
Thankyou for your kind words..I just responded because I too had been in a very similar situation and I understood your hope and desire for a return to a happy future, but now I can see I stayed too long where there was no hope of return to what we once had- and it wasnt good for the children. I truely hope that the trial seperation clarifies things for both of you and a happy future is acheivable.
When my DS speaks in a certain way, or my DD legitimises someones poor behaviour without calling the person to account for their behaviour ( as I did for years to sanitise his behaaviour) I realize that the poor quality model of a relationship needs to be challenged for their own future happiness in relationships- and in time they will both understand and expect more from a relationship for themselves.

A friend recently pointed out to me,( when I was worried about how I'd cope as a single parent) that I had done 95% of the parenting anyway..so what was the difference now? And that now I get the occasional day off now he has gone..and I never did when I was married!
My children are older, but I am closer to them than ever as a result of the seperation. They care for both of us, but know who is capable of what, and that is OK.
Good luck, and keep posting...mumsnetters have kept me supported through the early days of change and it really helped.

Fabulousdahlink Sat 02-Sep-17 00:01:02

Are dadsallowed.
Hoping things are sorting themselves out a bit. It takes time. Good luck.

Fabulousdahlink Sun 29-Oct-17 07:53:46

Hope you are both doing ok.

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