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Problems enforcing Boundaries - Ex(6 Posts)
Hello everyone, I am new to this site and I have recently separated from my partner of over 10 years.
He announced 4 weeks ago that he was seeing someone else and wanted to separate. I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions over the last few weeks, but I am accepting that this is the decision he wants to make - and after the way he has been towards me this last few weeks, it's definately the right way forward.
There is so much I could say about him right now, but the main issue is that he is not accepting that the boundaries regarding the children, house etc have to change and I'm struggling to make him see.
He is currently living in a room at his mum's house around the corner from where we live (we moved here 2yrs ago due to be closer to his family). He came over on Tuesday night to see the boys whilst I went out to a fitness class. I had dinner prepared for the boys - he just needed to heat it up and give it to them - he fed the boys & ate some himself!
Thursday, same thing, dinner prepared for boys and this time he told me he ate it and said he hoped I didn't mind.
He wont remove the rest of his things from the house. The boys and I were away at the weekend and I told him it would be the perfect time as they were not here.
The boys had dinner at his Mum's (she asked) today and told me that he would bring them home. I told her that I would prefer it to be her that brings them and she agreed. Lo and behold he turned up, asked to come in, wanted a chat about nothing - all the questions had already been answered and then asked if he could pick the boys up in the morning instead of me dropping them off.
I had asked him not to contact me and to give me some space, unless it was about the children. I have several txts over the weekend and also he had rang the house phone when the boys and I got home yesterday from seeing my sister
I have no idea how to get through to him, that he needs to accept that he cannot see the boys everyday. He is having them overnight at his mums tomorrow, all day Wednesday and feeding them and he & his mother are accusing me of not allowing access to the boys - because I don't want him in the house.
I asked him if we could sit down, to sort out a schedule for the boys & to discuss how we're going to seperate financially - (I am the bread winner. I have no idea how he will afford anywhere separately & his mum has told him he has to leave). This is something he has been pushing for the last few weeks. His response - Take all the time you need, we don't need to rush to do it next week.
I apologise for rambling. I have no idea what I am asking for - maybe some advice from someone who has been through it as all my friends are married with newborns.
Thanks for reading this if you made it this far.
I think some of it is learning to say no..He drops the kids back, can I come in for a chat..Not tonight.
I would also consider mediation. I did it through access and agenda was drawn up and she kept things on track.
Make sure you never immediately answer texts.
How he affords to live in no longer your issue..You need to support the children and yourself..He has to pay maintenance.
It sounds like he thought the grass was greener and has realised perhaps its not?
My ex did something very similar and I believe to this day still expected to walk into my now house and act as if nothing had happened. But for my own sanity and to not to confuse my children I set boundaries.
He's never come in my house again and we're 2 years down the road. He always tries to step in and have a nosy round but I make it obvious I want him to stay on the door step. My ex also thought the grass was greener and half heartedly attempted to sew the seeds to come back. However I respected myself too much to allow him the chance to treat me so badly again.
My children are well adjusted and know why their father left. I've never kept secrets from them when they've asked. Contact can be challenging as it's mainly on his terms but i try and go along with that and keep my children's thoughts and feelings in the front of my mind.
My advice, don't let him have his cake and eat it!
Starlight - I'm looking into mediation. He doesn't want me to move and so wants to keep paying half the Mortgage however offered £25 maintenance per week. Problem is CSA calculated just over this amount, once you remove their fee it's about what I'd end up with.
Mama234 - I dont know what is going through his head, but it's too late to go back. He has said some pretty awful things and would not engage in a counsellor at all. He's not the man I fell in love with anymore. I think he's just missing his lifestyle as supposed to anything else.
Whoknows - that is exactly it. He wants to have his cake and eat it!
I set the boundaries because the boys are confused and keep asking when Daddy is coming home. I have explained hes now living at their Grans and they seem to be coping well.
Im going to pack his things and put them in the garage, so he doesn't need to come in the house again.
Its hard when im being bombarded to allow him in not just by him, but his mum as well!
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