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Doing right by the child but staying sane?

(8 Posts)
writermama00 Wed 05-Jul-17 00:25:52

Background: Ex comes round to see 6 month old and I go out. It's the best way for us to handle access, or so I thought, as it limits the amount of time we have to spend face to face. This usually happens once or twice a week, sometimes he cancels at the last minute. There's no fixed time because he refuses to pre-plan, which is annoying as anything.

Current situation: When I came back home at the end of this week's visit, the ex called me a bitch completely unprovoked when I tried to talk about making plans for next week. It isn't the first time he's done similar in calling me names around the baby and in my own home.

I asked him to apologise, he wouldn't. He walked out without saying bye to the baby. Messaged his mum to try and see if she could talk some sense into him (futile I know) and I said maybe we would have to make an arrangement whereby she comes to the flat to cover the handover. She said she wouldn't be getting involved, despite her having that kind of arrangement with his other ex and their child. Perhaps because they already have a strong bond with that kid?

What do I actually do? I'd love not to worry about this and let him sort out contact via a court or whatever, but that makes me anxious because I just wanted us to be amicable for the little one and not have to involve the legal system, which just sounds messy and could cause a lot of bitterness.

Also I just want to do right by my child and never wanted to deny that relationship with his dad, but part of looking out for him has to include looking after myself.

We used to have an agreement between ourselves for child maintenance but I guess if we don't talk I'll have to sort that out, out of principle more than anything else. Are CMS/CSA any good at actually making people pay?

NuffSaidSam Wed 05-Jul-17 22:21:41

I would be seeking visitation at a contact centre. He doesn't sound like someone who should really be trusted around small children.

tunasweetcorn Thu 06-Jul-17 00:44:37

Nuffsaid.What makes you think that a contact centre would be in any way good for the child? .She hasn't stated that the child is in any kind of danger or at risk in the slightest. She has said she wants the child to have a 'normal' relationship with the father. There is nothing 'normal' about contact centres and she says she wants to avoid using the legal system.

Why there are so many on here waiting to administer these stock knee jerk extremist solutions is beyond me.

writermama00 Thu 06-Jul-17 10:21:12

So what would you do? I didn't use the word normal, just that I want there to be a relationship. I don't want to deny that but I just can't have him round here using that kind of language.

NuffSaidSam Fri 07-Jul-17 15:56:22

tuna he has two children, with two different women and he cannot keep his temper around either of them. His mum has to babysit him though his meetings with the mother of his first child. The OP now wants her to do the same for this child because he cannot behave in a civil manner.

A man who can't behave civilly for a short period when receiving or handing his child over to their mother is not someone I personally would consider a safe pair of hands for a small baby.

A contact centre would allow the child to see the father, whilst hopefully keeping his temper under control. It would also mean the child doesn't have to witness the father verbally assaulting the mother. The OP has asked the MIL and she said no to supervising. Unless there is another trusted family member willing to do it, a contact centre is the next best option. Allowing him to continue losing his temper and verbally abusing the OP is not a good solution.

Lemonnaise Fri 07-Jul-17 18:27:31

If it were me I would tell him that if he ever speaks to you in that way again then you will have no option but to change his access arrangement, whether it be a contact centre or he will have to find someone(you're comfortable with) to help at handover times. Let him know you are deadly serious and you will not put up with this again.

Starlight2345 Sat 08-Jul-17 10:47:34

I think you need to start setting down some boundries here..

Unless he works shifts..Contact is offered on ...

I would suggest he now she is 6 months old does not step over your doorstep...Its not like you are there to supervise so give him a bottle to take if required and send him off with her for a few hours.

Reclaim your home and your life.. A couple of hours getting stuff without a baby there is so much easier esp in a few months when she starts moving.

Branleuse Sat 08-Jul-17 10:55:13

I dont think you should be doing all the legwork to facilitate his access when he clearly cant be bothered and has no respect for you. Its completely unsustainable.

An absent father is better than a flaky, unreliable, shit one.

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