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(23 Posts)
JustDontGetItAtAll Mon 03-Jul-17 01:06:13

Please support me I'm falling apart....

Ok the whole story is a really very very long story. But I'll try and summarise as briefly as possible.

Been a single mum since Feb 2016 when I discovered the love of my life and my daughter's very hands-on, doting father had in fact been with someone new (seriously UHHHHGLY! Bitchy yes, but honestly - awful she is. In looks and attitude). I was devastated. Things hadn't been perfect circumstantially. Without going into detail, he had been living back at his parents house 70 miles away, (because of some logistics at this end and I'd only just got the new house but he still had his old job there etc etc) and it had made being together difficult but we had been getting back on track and really happy with each other. Or so I thought.
Well I found out via Facebook whilst I was on the phone to him making plans for our holiday and talking dirty etc as I do! He hung up when I said her name out loud. Then immediately text & asked me why I was 'stalking his girlfriend' so within 30 seconds we'd gone from 'Love you' to 'Why are you stalking my girlfriend....?' hmm He had been sleeping with us both.....
I was a huge mess. He didn't speak to me at all for 10 days. I didn't eat for over a week. Contact between us since has been via phone and apart from the 2 x 3 hour chats we had last year that both ended as abusive & threatening. He hasn't seen our daughter since either. I've had horrific things said to me and about me by this bitch and by him. Things like "Don't worry (daughter's name) will be with her real Mummy (his new ugly homewrecker) soon. confusedsad That one fucking destroyed my soul..... And Facebook statuses (that he didn't know I could see - shown to me via a friend) saying how the mistakes he's made, including (our daughter) were all worth it just for them to find each other... 😢😢😢😢😢 When I saw that one I overdosed on a mystifying level. It being a mystery I'm still here. (Daughter was with my mum). I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.
Also Facebook messages from homewrecking bitch's friend telling me not to bother contacting ex (I wasn't hmm) as HB (homewrecking bitch) doesn't give a shot about me or my 'child' and she want him seeing DD. That she has succeeded so far in keeping him away from us and that I was to give up??confused
Recently, his parents have ghosted us too. They haven't seen her since before he last did, but his mum used to always remain in contact. In fact we were very friendly at one point. She used to agree totally with how messed up his actions have been. Then all of a sudden - GONE! They're ALL gone. Even changed their house phone number and all of their mobile numbers, even my ex's number. So if anything happened to DD god forbid, I couldn't inform them even if they deserved to be informed which I know it doesn't seem like they do right now...or that they'd even care. I just don't get it.... He used to adore her every smile/giggle everything about her. He was wrapped around her little finger. And here we are, with him not having seen her in 18 months?
I cannot fathom this still. Even now. And neither can my daughter. She still stands at the window saying "Where Daddy gone?" "Daddy, where arrrrrre youuuuuuuu?"

What has upset me so much today, is that I have discovered that as we speak, he is in Prague! A week after finding out that bitch had taken him to VEGAS last year!
Today, I had sent him a copy of the arrears statement for CMS (of course he's in arrears, despite attachment of earnings order, he still owes money from before the order) and my email account tells me the city location and device used when the recipient reads their email. And yes, I know it's not always accurate but I double checked the IP given and it's a static IP in a Hotel in Prague 😢 I know I'm going to get a few people saying it's none of my business where he goes etc and yes I get that. However I am still entitled to be upset, that given he isn't paying ANY maintenance right now (CMS dragging heels setting up new Attachment of Earnings Order, however they have 'advised' him to make interim payments to me, which of course he hasn't done!!!) and instead of paying this, when I am sat here not having a clue how I'm going to feed my daughter for the rest of this week, her FATHER is on holiday in Prague!!!!!!!!! It's the god damned injustice of it!!!! I'm laying awake every night worrying about losing the house and spending my days shattered, dealing with my debilitating disabilities and an angry 2yr old with AN, pulling my hair out with upset & anger, whilst he lives the life of luxury? When I am only in this situation alone, BECAUSE of his actions. And lack of responsibility towards his daughter...

And yes, I am still hurt. I'm still heartbroken... I only have one friend. She got married yesterday so I cannot talk to her about this. I wouldn't. She deserves to bask in her happiness right now. I refuse to put her on any kind of downer.

I'm just so upset, I cannot breathe...

Anyway, so sorry for long post. There's so so much to this. I hope I haven't missed anything out. I apologise if I end up drip feeding! Please please be kind....

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JustDontGetItAtAll Mon 03-Jul-17 01:45:09


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TartanTartan Mon 03-Jul-17 09:30:34

Hi OP. I totally get your pain, frustration and anger at your ex as I've been there (still am) with my two exes whom I have DC with. The first hasn't properly seen our 17yo DS since he was two and has gone on to have five more DC with five other women and has never paid child support despite csa being involved (he's self employed). And then my XH who is border line neglectful, abusive and only ever wants to be there for the fun bits which doesn't include paying maintenance all the time. One of our DDs has severe mental health problems at just 8 years old and I have to deal with it on my own. It's the bloody unjustness of it, it just feels so bloody unfair!

But the best advice I can give you (and I need to remember myself when it gets too hard) is that you need to find a way through the anger and let it go. It serves you no useful purpose but will eat you up and sap your engergy. I managed to reach this place of peace and acceptance with DS's dad but only when I cut all contact and there'd been a bit of time and a lot of distance. I'm not quite there yet with my DDs' dad because he's still there, reminding me of what a shit and useless father he is and I am made to suffer because of this.

I think it would do you the world of good to block him, and any mutual friends and his family on social media. Complete blackout of any sort of connection. If you find yourself thinking about him or what he's done, force yourself to think of something else. Eventually you just make peace with your situation and then it gets a LOT easier.

It is their loss and your DC will understand who was there for them when they're older. I always worried my DS would be hugely damaged by his father's lack of involvement but actually, the opposite is true. He has had sporadic contact since the age of about 12 but he's been able to see for himself that his dad is an idiot and he tells me he's glad he didn't have contact with him as a young child as he says he wouldn't have been who he is now. My DS is also very aware now how hard it was for me and tells me all the time that he appreciates everything I have done for him. I put that work in and I now enjoy a very close relationship with DS. He doesn't want anything to do with his dad and has reached a place of acceptance that he will never have a good relationship with his dad because his dad simply isn't capable. He is able to appreciate the other men in his life who have been his role models like my dad/his DGrandad. I'm hugely proud of DS and it's a good feeling to know I did that more or less on my own. The time flies by as well, I can barely remember the struggles now he's almost an adult. As hard as it is now, it won't last forever.

MrTumblesbitch Mon 03-Jul-17 09:43:46

What PP^^ said.

It truly is shite, but the absolute best thing you can do is disengage. Literally, shrug your shoulders at them and try and create a bubble around you and your little one where they can't effect you.

Block them on social media, push for maintenance through CMS but consider it a bonus if you get any, and be utterly detached and focused on your DC if he gets in touch about contact.

It is hard to begin with, trust me I know, but I promise it gets easier - and has the added bonus of driving them up the wall by how unimportant they are to you.

Good luck flowers

JustDontGetItAtAll Mon 03-Jul-17 12:25:17

Hi thanks. They have already blocked ME on Social Media! It is apparently ME that is the bad guy! He has lied massively to his girlfriend and family so that he is the victim and I am the culprit. I for some reason absolutely cannot seem to be able to drop that fact and seem utterly compelled to prove him wrong in the name of justice for my daughter perhaps? I don't know why I just do.... 18 months later and I still can't get over it. I still cry over him

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JustDontGetItAtAll Mon 03-Jul-17 12:34:11

I should prob also mention that he has a Caution for Neglecting our daughter when she was 5 weeks old.

I had go into hospital for haemorrhaging and when I got back at 10am, I found her in her car seat on the sofa in the house alone. He had gone to work. So I rang police.

The reason I am mentioning this, is because I recently discovered that he has been denying to those that know about the Caution (ie: his gf & parents) that he went to work, and has been telling everyone that he "Just nipped to the car for a few bits and that is when I came home then I rang police and lied! This is not true!!!! He was arrested at work!!!!!!!! The reason he left her is cos he was angry at me for not being back from hospital in time for him to go to work!!! (Narc) What the idiot and clearly his gf and parents don't realise, is that the Police do not issue Cautions without either a full confession or undeniable evidence! Otherwise it goes to Court!

Anyway, THIS is what has fuelled my anger and I feel this all-consuming need within me to stop him from 'getting away' with denying what he has done to his daughter and even getting flaming SYMPATHY(!!!!!) on the back of it..........hmmangryangryangry

I cannot let it go. I just can't. No matter how hard I try. I honestly wish I could let it go but I just can't.....

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Costacoffeeplease Mon 03-Jul-17 12:40:44

But you're only hurting yourself by not letting it go - he's living it up in vegas and Prague and doesn't give a shit so why are you punishing yourself? For your own mental health you HAVE to let it go

Have you posted about him before - it sounds a familiar situation?

JustDontGetItAtAll Mon 03-Jul-17 13:11:41

I have yes.

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JustDontGetItAtAll Mon 03-Jul-17 13:13:53

I posted re: the Caution and asking advice about it. However the thread got deleted as MNHQ presumed I was a Troll!!!!

To be fair, I cat really blame them. What he did is so wrong and f'd up that it does beggar belief!!!!!

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ginnystonic Tue 04-Jul-17 16:24:00

You have to find a way to let go of the bitterness for your sake and for your DD.

You need to freeze him out of your life, don't search for them on social media, don't try to find out where he is or make contact in any way. Try to fill your life with new people and new interests.

If your daughter was 6 months old when he left (18 months ago) why is she standing by the window saying 'where's daddy?' She will have no recollection of him. Perhaps it's because he is all you talk about? You seriously need to stop, it's not healthy.

He sounds like a narcissistic prick, you are so much better off without him. You must let go of the need to prove him wrong, he's done that already.

You don't need his family and friends to believe you or be in your life. You win, you have your previous DD, they don't.

Follow up with CSA but don't contact him yourself again. One day he will come back begging to see your DD, hopefully you will be happy, healthy and strong when that happens.

ginnystonic Tue 04-Jul-17 16:25:20

*precious (not previous!)

JustDontGetItAtAll Wed 05-Jul-17 04:43:38

No she was 12 months old last time she saw him. She's 2.5. She does remember him, I don't talk about I'm or mention the 'D' word to him at all hmmhmmhmm

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JustDontGetItAtAll Wed 05-Jul-17 04:43:47

To her at all I mean

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Stilllivinginazoo Wed 05-Jul-17 05:42:09

You have to be firm with yourself
Fir your sake and your daughters

He is a selfish twat and someone who can a)cheat on you b)ignore his child c) not make contributions towards her upbringing is not worth making yourself I'll over(it will make you ill if you continue to hold so much rage)

If you only have one friend(and you haven't mentioned your family so I am assuming you are alone) you need start connecting with others and build a new life.gingerbread can help if you are UK based.mums n tots groups etc.

If you have others to interact with you can start to let go of the hurt and concentrate on what matters.your child

You don't need a "role model" like him for her,nor does she need to grow up seeing herum so angry and bitter because of a man

I may sound like a heartless bitch but am the voice of experience.its meant in kindness to you.I totally get how hurtful it is but you have to start thinking if what best for YOU.he clearly is not

In twenty years I want you to look at tour beautiful child and know your relationship is strong,that she sees her "dad" for what he is(selfish,lying,twat) and that she has learned no man is worth clinging to regardless of how he treats her

This is the have your child and your life to go forwards with

Big hugs and good luck.x

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 Wed 05-Jul-17 16:58:34

I know it's hard but you have got too stop with the bitterness, for your daughters sake.

He's been a twat and is running from his responsibilities, there's not much else you can do apart from be mum and dad.

You getting angry at where he is on holiday, or at the fact he's changed his number or that his family will have no contact won't change anything about your situation.

I know at the moment it seems so unfair but it will get easier and he will be a distant memory. Try and avoid saying his name around your DD because she shouldn't be asking for her dad if he hasn't seen her since 6 months old.

It doesn't matter what he tells other people, you know the truth. Just move forward.

user1499288566 Thu 06-Jul-17 22:06:49

I'm so sorry to hear this , it's awful, I too was happy loved up thought I found my Mr right, got preg year later thought my life was starting to find out after I gave birth that he had drug problem which explained the lack of support through my preg and lack of interest, I'm a decent person not dated many people never spoke about wanting kids, but I was just so happy and thought I'm gonna take the plunge, he is around but still lives like a free lad got to keep his full time job with good money, I had to leave mine to be my child's career as at 1 she was diagnosed with CP on left side I had that many things to attend and had to be full on with her that eventually I had to walk so now this is my life and he int got one clue of what iv gone through n still going through I still don't know how I landed myself here

JustDontGetItAtAll Fri 07-Jul-17 00:07:38

KUNGFU She was 12 months old when he left. And I NEVER EVER say 'Daddy' around her or his name

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Starlight2345 Sat 08-Jul-17 11:13:11

A few things..

Firstly have you spoke to GP about counselling for you..This is what you need..You have to find a way forward.

Secondly. You need to redirect your DD when she says Daddy..Tell her Daddy is living a long way from here but you will always be here for her.

Are you working if not get yourself along to toddler groups expand your friendship groups..Not a place to talk about Ex talk about other things how DD is 9 things she finds diffifuclt, things that give you a bit of an outlet.

Do you have a surestart centre nearby( if not closed down) they are great resources..At the moment it sounds like you spend too much time thinking about him..He isn't going to pay till you get attachment to earnings so plan to manage without... Do phone CMS regulary for an update.. Doesn't matter if they say none they have had to reopen your file.

Don't let anyone else feed you information about ex ...By the sounds of it..It will be far easier long term with him not involved...Remember..Although this may well be what she wants do consider..Would you ever not see your DD because someone told you not too..He is choosing this he is choosing her over his DD.

The best revenge is to simply get on with your life. Do not contact him at all for anything..Do not get into a battle about winning over her..Your DD is the loser here.IT sounds like it actually once you move on will be a really good thing for you.

JustDontGetItAtAll Sun 09-Jul-17 00:11:07

I would never ever set foot in a Surestart Centre! Not if you paid me....

The reason he gives for not seeing our Daughter is because of me! In other words, he's ashamed and I think he knows that when he sees us he's going to think differently. Out of sight out of mind!

I honestly don't spend my time thinking about him! Not sure what made you think that...? My daughter & I get out fairly often. Just never seem to meet people.

I've tried to get Counselling but it's not available on the NHS in my local area. And I cannot afford Relate. I DEMANDED to see a Psychiatrist and to do so you have to have a MHA. Which I eventually got after 3 months. They said "We'd be doing you a disservice by keeping you under MHS as you are most certainly not mentally ill!" Then handed me a brochure for Relate...

I went back to my GP to ask for counselling and was told it's not available in this area x

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Wildheart Sun 09-Jul-17 06:36:07

You are right he is a bastard, he is a selfish cruel bastard! Please rant all you want, you have a right to, with him hurting you so harshly and worse your daughter, it would make me mad. In all the darkness though I do believe your daughter is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have her and be able to hold her through all this. To a degree it is great he is not around and if he doesn't turn up again he will have less of a chance to hurt her. You crying about him is so normal, don't be too hard on yourself, be patient, you are grieving for the person you thought he was and seeing this real side to him.
Hopefully you will soon look back on these days as a hard period of your life that you got through, try and remember that nothing is still so even this is just passing.

fusspot66 Sun 09-Jul-17 07:46:54

In my experience OP, Sure Start centres are full.of middle class mummies grabbing the free stuff.

fusspot66 Sun 09-Jul-17 07:47:41

P.s he did you and your daughter a favour by leaving. He sounds nasty.

JustDontGetItAtAll Wed 12-Jul-17 23:06:43

Thankyou Wildheart sorry I've only just seen your reply.

That's just it though I don't feel like I can rant? Everyone in my life is sick to death of hearing about it (my mum and my one friend who I get to speak to once a month!). As far as everyone else sees it they think "Be glad he's gone!" Then they change the subject hmm

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