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Who is being unreasonable?

(7 Posts)
Tidgybridgy Thu 15-Jun-17 21:54:40

I'm a very new member and this is my first post, so please accept my apologies if this is in the wrong forum as I couldn't decide which area exactly my thread would fit.

I share residence of my DS (5yo) with his father 50/50 of the week. I would like to have my son more but apparently because this non contractual agreement has been in place for 12 months I cannot change it without good cause unless DS father agrees (which obviously he doesn't).
The majority of collections/drop offs are done around breakfast and after school clubs. This week DS has told me that his father has been arranging for his girlfriend of 12months to collect DS from school club in lieu of his father collecting him. I have frequently requested that if DS is not going to be with his father then DS is to be with me. This request is evidently falling on deaf ears - He refuses to speak to me about it and his attitude is that I just have to deal with it. He refuses mediation and I'm at a loss as to what I can do.
I accept he has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for 12 months and they are obviously quite serious. She is probably a very nice person who would take care of my son, but my issue here is that I am available to pick my DS up on the days he is meant to be collected by his father and I begrudge missing out on spending time with my DS if he is not going to be with his father. I want to instruct the after school club that only myself or DS father can remove him from their setting. Is this something I can reasonalbly do or is he right and I just have to accept it?

TrollTheRespawnJeremy Thu 15-Jun-17 23:49:35

If this other woman is a stable influence in your son's life then I'd be unwilling to rock the boat to be honest.

Imagine if the tables were turned and you had met somebody who was picking your son up from school and your Ex complained. You'd be raging! It undermines everything.

Tidgybridgy Fri 16-Jun-17 08:37:36

I think you're assuming that I wouldn't forewarn my ex that this measure had been put in place.
I also have a child from another relationship. I have this same arrangement in place and it has worked for 8 years.
My children are my children. When they are due to be spending their time with me then I ensure I am there. If an emergency occurs then my first port of call is their father. If neither of us are available, then yes cast the net wider, that's perfectly acceptable.
Is this really such an unreasonable request?

GreenGoblin0 Fri 16-Jun-17 20:11:24

is this a court agreed order?

how is the 50/50 time split? presumably the gf picks up the child but he then sees dad later on when he returns from work? are you suggesting that if he can't pick up the your son himself you pick him up and he then doesnt see his dad on that day or that he picks him up from you later?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Fri 16-Jun-17 20:14:47

If the gf is collecting the dc in his time then unfortunately you just have to suck it up.
As shit as that is. .
My ex used to insist dc were ready at 8am on a Saturday so he could drop them with whoever while he went to work. They were usual still asleep but he didn't care. I was at home all day and wanted them....

CrazedZombie Wed 21-Jun-17 07:07:17

Do you think that your ex won't allow you to have more than 50/50 because he doesn't want to pay maintenance or is controlling and can't hear the thought of you getting what you want?

kittensinmydinner1 Wed 21-Jun-17 07:49:53

The only thing you can do is take this to court for a Child Arrangement Order and make your point to the court. During one of my DH many many contact hearings with his ex - one of the small victories she gained (about 7 yrs ago now ) was 'Only DH to pick up drop off' This was pure bloody mindedness because I had been doing it without incident or accident for the two years previously. - having this clause simply made life worse for all.
I was available for pick up at six pm Friday whereas DH didn't get home from work until 6:30. Dsc are an hour away from us... this meant that instead of kids being here half an hour after coming home, he had to do a 2 hr round trip after work. Getting back at 8:30. Everybody tired.

It blew up in her face when DH broke his leg and couldn't drive. I couldn't pick up (as per the court order) so Ex had to do all the driving for 2 months.
Be careful what you wish for !

If you do apply to the court then mediation is required. If he refuses then this will go against him in court.

Child arrangement order not at all difficult to self represent. Court cost about £215 but fee remission available for lower income or benefits. But always check. The income tariff is quite high and many people entitled but don't ask.! Simply say like you have here. If he is just getting her to collect then I wouldn't bother. If he is leaving him with her for 2 or 3 hours reasonable to request you pick up and drop off later.

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