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Pain of sharing my childrens time with my STBXH and his mistress

(86 Posts)
Fabulousdahlink Mon 12-Jun-17 18:53:17

Hubby of 22 years left 11 weeks ago out of the blue with a mutual friend. Couple of weeks to go before my children go to stay for the weekend for the first time.
Yesterday my children had their first day out with them'as a couple'.
Thought I was doing OK.Getting on with life, divorce petition in, done with cring and angry stage. Generally calm, looking forwards to happier times.
Advice needed how to cope with the powerful tsunami of emotions I had yesterday. I feel so angry and conflicted- the mother in me wants to ensure the visits go well- whilst emotionally I cant bear the thought of handing them over to the dad who walked out on them and his mistress.
I'm worried about what they will say to my children about me-whan my teen and tween will accept as truth from the pair of them..struggling with my childrens capacity for loyalty to the STBXH when it isnt deserved and angry at it all being so bloody OK for the woman who destroyed my marriage to jave a lovely relationship with my children in order for it tobe a positive experience for my two.

I have seperated my feelings for STBXH and her, from the feelings for their dad and their need to see him.
Will it always hurt this much? Should I be open and explain to my children how I feel?

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Fabulousdahlink Mon 12-Jun-17 18:54:41

Thanks to MissEDashwood and Mix56 for your advice to start a new thread. Here goes.

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Fabulousdahlink Mon 12-Jun-17 19:09:41

How do I feel? I am not one to dwell in self misery. But I do feel broken, MissEDashwood.
I am glad my unhappy marriage is over- the lies unkindness when I stood by him (as he racked up 41k of unsecured debt and we had to sell our house to bail him out.)
I guess I wasnt prepared for my childrens loyalty to him and their willingness to go to him. I can acknowledge how crap things were and let it go. I've thrown everything into being strong and forwatd looking for the kids.
For my children to enjoydad and mistresses company is a testament to the hours of work and self control (not to slag the two of them off) I have put in .
I have been happy in the last few weeks, I just cant help feeling betrayed by my own good work and logic telling me my divorce experience is not theirs-..they lived with a cold and withdrawn father who eas controlling and angry. Now they get to live with Mother flamin' Theress and a new rich couple who have flaunted their possessions and happy relationship in real life and online. Dad is transformed into Mr Fun Dad in the couple of hours he can be bothered to squeeze around his new life. I know my two are old enough to see how this is playing out, but the whole thing. Hurts like my heart is broken all over again.
I'm keeping busy and focusing on me, not dwellng on them...but would like to know how to deal with the next emotional tsunami in a fortnight's time.

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Angrybird123 Mon 12-Jun-17 21:59:05

Make sure you have a plan to be in a safe place with people who love you where you can cry, fall apart or get blind drink if you need to. Alternatively, try to put aside the thoughts of them and see it as an opportunity for you to have some child free time and treat yourself to a social life. It's the worst thing I ever had to do, waving my kids off in a car with their dad and the vile, selfish women who put her own happiness above theirs but two years on, it does get easier. You are doing exactly the right thing to stay neutral / positive with the kids. They will work things out in their own time and if you allow them to do that rather than trying to force their 'loyalty' it will pay off in the long run. PM me if you like x

Starlight2345 Mon 12-Jun-17 22:28:40

you will get a lot of people on here saying that ability to parent and ability to be faithful aren't separate but they are.

You are clearly entitled to be absolutely furious with him for having an affair.

If they are saying negative things about you ( regardless of affair) that is not good parenting.

My advice is always you can be honest with the children without lying to them. They don't need to take details. If the kids assuming they are 12/13 ish from your post see you upset. that is ok IMO. however it isn't for them to deal with , make sure you have family friends to lean on. IT is very new and fresh.

RE contact time..Do practical stuff but do something nice for yourself, do take time for quality time with your kids..Even if it is cinema time at home.

Fabulousdahlink Mon 12-Jun-17 22:29:58

Grrr. Mad with myself for deciding to tell her how hard it was to let them be with them.. I didn't stick to my 'no contact with the stupid bitch' rule. Or my 'don't email her ever unless 24 hrs have passed and your good friends have proof read it" rule.
Her reply ?
" You're being melodramatic...we're not the Moors Murderers"

Told her not to dismiss my pain with jokes- it's cruel. Perhaps they can fool themselves into believing what they did was alright because my marriage was in the doldrums it was fine for my husband to be unfaithful and unkind, and for her to take another friends husband and take him away from his children. There is no sisterhood in that. Without children of her own ( in hindsight thank god she is too old and he had the snip)she clearly has no idea how much love for your children can be a raw hollowed out pain...

Well, that is the end of me feeling sorry for myself, and my being reasonable and wanting to help her and him ( who have literally no compassion or parenting skills ) with the real details of parenting two clever and frankly gorgeous but complex human beings. Good luck , goodf&%^cking luck with it. Support withdrawn.

Good luck with the weekend, the nine days you have them for in the summer and every contact until they get bored of you.

I plan to be away the weekend they have the children- celebrating my sister in laws birthday- where there will be love and food and laughter. I know I will be in that safe zone.

I am woman...hear me roar !

Lesson to self re-learnt. Don't contact and don't think they are reasonable human beings. Excrement has no compassion.

I will controlled breathe, meditate on the cause and effect of my emotions. Accept responsibility for having put myself in a situation I could have avoided and should have predicted.

I have always lived by the rule that if you are a good, kind person who gives openly to all you meet, you will be repaid with kindness. I won't let two humanbeings and their grubby lives change that.

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DawnOfTheMombie Mon 12-Jun-17 22:30:52

I'm sorry but wtf?! Out with his side piece 11 weeks after leaving you? Your poor kids sad angry and poor you! flowers

Fabulousdahlink Mon 12-Jun-17 23:06:51

Dawn of the Mombie.

Yes, his mistress ( she does not like to be called that apparently because she thinks he's no longer married to me as they live together and have exchanged rings after three months together because they are single agents who are free to do what they want...such as saying STBXH couldn't see the children...then turned up to the same Beer festival event together WHEN THEY KNEW IN ADVANCE they knew my friends and family would be at, and came over the " we're a couple" PDOA bollocks in front of the kids and our friends, or posting pictures on internet after ...or wanting to take the kids for pizza two days after he walked out...ooooh or how about telling his mates at the pub on Friday he was leaving me, coming home for the weekend, telling the kids when they got home on Monday night then waiting til I got home then handing me a letter before leaving having already packed his car with stuff from our house....) .... the list of their rude and thoughtless behaviour is already quite well known in our small city and village.

I will not let their crap burn a hole in me. I will not give them headspace. I will not play nice. I will strive to make my life happy .

I owe that to myself. Not my circus...not my monkeys. repeat....

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Stanstan Mon 12-Jun-17 23:14:54

Similar happened to a friend. She is further on and her kids love and respect her and have an increasing appreciation of ex's limitations. He is still selfish and everything withers around his self interest. It's so shit though - you are awesome to be so aware of it all. My friend tolerates all sorts of shit from him and once separated despite the changes and the kid stuff everything is better now she is further past the split. She and the kids blossomed in unexpected ways

Fabulousdahlink Mon 12-Jun-17 23:19:19

Gosh. Mild mannered sweet lil old me had a bunch of vitriol stored up inside huh. Feel better for venting. I will sleep better for knowing the poison is out of my system.

Parenting is a crazy and difficult job. I did have a calm discussion with DD (13) and DS(14) about how hard it was to let them be with people that have caused so much pain. They got it.
Asked them to look and listen and learn, but not to comment. To always be kind when speaking about the parent who is not there. To learn from the good examples and the terrible warnings of other peoples actions.

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LanaDReye Mon 12-Jun-17 23:36:48

The best form of revenge, and I know this from experience, is to get on and have a better life. Your big baby ex and twisted OW will want you to fail as he can say he left a failure and she can say she's better than you.

You are clearly articulate, moral, courageous and funny. Take all of that and share it with people who care. Be honest with your DCs, but also take time to have fun with them.

I see my ex with his fat stomach and moody face looking fed up with a woman smeared with clown makep and it's just funny. My DCs say that they can be honest with me as I don't belittle him in the way he tries to towards me. DCs see through crap lies, but it doesn't hurt them to see both parents and make their own decisions.

LiquorsOnDeck Mon 12-Jun-17 23:48:26

Strength to you

Fabulousdahlink Tue 13-Jun-17 07:22:20

More charming emails this morning. Apparently I need a reality check as she didnt kidnap him from a idyllic situation so what she did is ok. And apparently because he pays for stuff and takes them out for pizza a few times in three months means he hasnt abandoned them. How I am itching to comment. But .I. will. not. She is deluded. How I want to tell her what parenting really is.365 days a year, 24 hours a day. and that her lack of experience in this area is apparent. I am now increasingly worried about sending my children to be in her company. How I'd love to remind her 4 x. 6 Hour visits and 4 x 2 hr visits after work in 77 days is definitely not parenting in any sense. How I'd love to tell her to take herself and the waste of space he is right out of our lives permanently. Maybe she's hoping that. She'll be disappointed.

Her lack of compassion in the face of her 'situation' speaks volumes about her. Her and him are both cold and I am better than this and so are my children.

Dignified silence and a life better lived is the way forward.

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Starlight2345 Tue 13-Jun-17 09:35:06

I would simply block her..You don't even need to hear the crap that comes out of her mouth.

You only need contact with ex in relation to the children. I did learn from my ex the less you say to him the less he could argue at 13, 14 contact with ex can be minimal.

I would also say in term of assets fight for everything you can with her in the wings and his behaviour I doubt they will play fair.

I think what you have said to the kids is fantastic.

LiquorsOnDeck Tue 13-Jun-17 12:02:37

You are doing incredibly well - and you are right DO NOT respond to her, that is what she wants......keep strong and dignified. Sending more strength to you.

Allthebestnamesareused Tue 13-Jun-17 12:14:30

Don't call her his mistress - call her his "cow" (Current Other Woman!)

Allthebestnamesareused Tue 13-Jun-17 12:19:10

with your kids that age definitely just be civil and polite to their faces (in front of the kids) and come here to rant. The children are usually more canny than you think and they know! If you always present a dignified approach in front of them rather than letting your true feelings out you are the winner.

Invariably the kids see through Disney Dad routines, the c.o.w. gets fed up with playing family or jealous of the attention that Dad gives the kids and it either fizzles out completely or she lets him get on with his relationship with the kids without actively participating.

You are doing well to hold it together when it is all so recent.

Use MN as you space to rant, rave, pull your hair out, scream at her!

Fabulousdahlink Tue 13-Jun-17 19:47:57

Thanks all. She is barred, both are gone from facebook and root and branch network cull ongoing. Feel so much better today. Thanks y'all!

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Fabulousdahlink Thu 15-Jun-17 19:31:51

I am truly much happier now following the arrival of my post this afternoon.
I thought I would be sad...but I am just hugely relieved to formally have moved them a step nearer to the fringes of my life, where they belong.

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Justmadeperfectflapjacks Thu 15-Jun-17 19:39:03

Remember there is now a vacancy for the ow in his life. .

Fabulousdahlink Sun 18-Jun-17 07:49:12

Justmadeperfectflapjacks... Love it...another person just told me the same
" when the mistress becomes the wife it creates a vacancy".
Beginning to realise this doesnt actually give me any pleasure
1) because this means another poor woman will have to be hurt by him.
2) I dont care about the two of them as much as I thought.
3)and realising I will definitely need an STI test and that pisses me right off having been sexually exclusive for 24 years.

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Fabulousdahlink Tue 18-Jul-17 11:11:58

Well much to my disgust I am here again. Having spent the weekend with my best friend who has terminal cancer at the age of only 36, after a night in hospital with my son ( his first migraine attack triggered by emotional stress from well you know dad's departure and his godmum having cancer) the Stupid cow is sending me birthday wishes and glad to hear son is ok via text.
Bloody boiling. FFS what is she trying to do? She is the reason dad left. I have really tried to block her out. Have been very clear I do not wish to be incontact with her despite our 20 year friendship prior to her right royally fucking up all our lives. What do I do? I'd like to just tell her straight..but what is the point? She has the hide of a rhino and I am sure that her'conciliatory gesture and birthdayy wishes' are just not out of kindness. Arghhhhhh. Application for decree nisi goes in today.
Do I delete her phone number? I really do want to...but as they have the kids weekends I am reluctant to.
She unsettles me and provokes rage in me I do not want in me. Our lives are better without them in it.

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Trickycat Tue 18-Jul-17 11:20:41

I am sorry you are going through this.

I would not reply to her. I would tell your ex you will communicate with him only. Get a new separate mobile and give him the number.

Have you had counselling? You've had a lot to deal with.

rizlett Tue 18-Jul-17 11:21:44

Delete her number op - maintaining any sort of contact with her at the moment only hurts. You don't need to keep hurting yourself by reading/analysing messages from her.

It's not true that you need to keep her number because your kids are sometimes there - your exh would contact you if needed. Some people also got a new number and left their old phone number purely for contact with their ex. That way you keep yourself more safe from their negativity.

I know you want to know all thats going on - but again this only serves to continue your pain. It's also important not to ask the dc too much about what happens there. Keep yourself separate. At the moment you cannot see clearly at times because of the hurt - but one day you will see him and ow in clear light and you'll smile to yourself because you know it was the best thing that happened to you.

SleepFreeZone Tue 18-Jul-17 11:26:09

You have to just ignore, ignore, ignore. Do not answer any of her communications. Just deal with your ex. She is dead to you.

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