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Advice please, partner left

(25 Posts)
littlegrub2 Sat 10-Jun-17 13:52:11

Hi, been reading some of the old threads but I registered to make a new one and hopefully get some advice/support.

My partner just left me and our 5 month old baby. I have depression and he struggled to 'cope with me' also he's very career driven and doesn't have any time for us.
He is still seeing her but only once or twice a week drop ins.
But I love him so much. He really changed me and I shouldn't have but because of my mental health I really relied on him and now I'm completely lost and broken. I've been begging but he's cut me off now as it was annoying him. I just don't know what to do or how to cope without him, my mind is going mad wondering if there's someone else and imagining him with other people and life is just unbearable at the moment, I hate this feeling, it's been a few weeks now and it's not getting any easier, I really want him back.

Has anyone been through this? What helped? I can't imagine living without him.

StewPots Sat 10-Jun-17 14:08:34

Oh OP, you poor thing...hand offered for holding if needed...

I know it seems bleak and raw right now, it's obviously been a very recent experience, but you will get better.

I know the feeling of utter pain, hurt and despair. I know how I was "changed" (now I call it "conditioned") by my ExP so when he left I felt totally lost and bereft because I depended on him for everything.

I know what it's like to have a small DC at home and her "D"D not interested, although that's because he wanted to drink and do drugs rather than work.

But I also know that as time went on, I got better. I got more confident, especially with parenting, because I was the main caregiver. He was hardly seen (DD is now 15 with NC Dad) and wasn't that bothered.
Now I know that's because he's a selfish, immature arsehole who got kicks out of trying to run my life.

Now it's 6 years on, I'm married with another DC to a fabulous husband and I don't give that cruel, feckless dickhead the time of day in my head anymore. The hurt he caused, the humiliation I suffered at his hands for years, still lingers, but it's a reminder to myself that I'll never put up with behaviour like that from anyone ever again, and true to that, I haven't.

What RL support network do you have? Is there anyone to have DC whilst you have a wallow and a rest? Do you have the support of your GP/health visitor as this may be crucial in the coming weeks for both yourself and DC?

Sending love, hugs and strength to you. You will get there. Xxx

StewPots Sat 10-Jun-17 14:16:08

Also you need to be practical, as hard as it is, but I found it gave me a focus away from the pain.

So, if he's not bothered about seeing DC more than once a week? Fine. Stick with that and get it put in writing. Citizens Advice would be a great place to start regarding legal advice. Don't let him say this, that and the other and run roughshod over you - that was my mistake because Dickhead started turning up demanding access at all the wrong times and I stupidly gave in. Get an agreement that suits YOU and don't let him screw you around.

Secondly - finances. Another mistake of mine, I wish I'd taken that arsehole to the cleaners but I was too scared of more physical and verbal abuse (hit me regularly and smashed up the house after he left me) if I started asking for CM so the twat got away with it...don't do the same. Get legal advice on this and if he's working and earning a decent wage, get what you and DC are entitled to in terms of CM.

And call on any support you have round you, even if it's just MN brigade, to ask questions, gain strength and support whilst this is happening. Don't be afraid to ask for help, or take up anyone on offers of help - you will need ME time more than ever now to take it all in, reflect and go forward.

You can do this lovely smile

littlegrub2 Sat 10-Jun-17 14:47:12

Thank you so much for your reply.

I have a good support network, I'm lucky. However I still feel so lonely and like nobody truly understands how painful this is and evenings are the worst when I get totally lost and back to square one with any progress I'd made and end up blowing up his phone in desperation.
I can't accept it, I don't want to be without him, I can't bare the thought of seeing him with anyone else and wondering why I wasn't good enough. It's killing me. sad

StewPots Sat 10-Jun-17 15:11:22

OP, it's a completely natural and normal reaction - I used to message him all the time, wanting to speak with him or hear from him, even if all he did was tell me to F Off and to "leave him
. but eventually (no set timescale, I can't remember because it's now all a blurry, sad, awful mess that my brain has thankfully erased) I text him less, I focused on DD, my friends rallied round and supported me, including staying overnight with me so I felt safe, secure and cared for... and I realised that he didn't give a shit because if he did he wouldn't have ever treated me like that in the first place for years, let alone walk out on me after making me completely dependent!

Think about what you really want - post it here if you need to...for me, it was :

A stable and nice environment for DD, not one with shouting, swearing, violence, and her seeing me begging him to forgive me (done nothing wrong but the easiest way to get him onside and come back to me)/ don't leave me/ I love you bullshit. Thankfully she doesn't remember any of this crap now.

All I wanted was to be told "I love you" and be hugged. I was so desperate for that I was willing to put myself in harms way just for his validation. Looking back now, I'm appalled at myself for behaving like that and putting myself through such bollocks, all so that wanker could "reward" me. Now I'm hugged and loved all the time because I AM genuinely loved by my DH.

I was lonely when he wasn't there (which was most of the time) but then I felt lonely deep down when he was because I felt trapped by him. I could never be myself. Christ, I'm surprised I was even allowed friends or to go out the house! But that was part of tricking everyone else into thinking he was a "good guy".

Now I revel in my own company (DH is away for his job a lot during the summer) because it's better than being with a shower of shite who had no regard for me or my thoughts and feelings, or our DD come to think of it.

You need support and distraction - use MN as a sounding board, focus on DD and also on yourself. Get mates over to keep you company in the evenings or go to theirs for a brew ..you will get through this lovely, you will. It's all about finding the strength, and you will.

StewPots Sat 10-Jun-17 15:12:03

And you ARE good enough. It's him who isn't good for you, that's all.

littlegrub2 Sat 10-Jun-17 15:20:47

Thank you so much.

I felt like it was my last chance of happiness really. I've been married before and now I've a few children and I'm on my own. I felt I'd just got through that now it's happened again and I don't have the strength to go through it again.
I want a family unit for my children and I feel like I've let them down, again.
And again I'm so desperately in love with this man, I wish he'd give us another chance, he's being cold with me so I'll 'get the hint' but it's so hard, we were fine, I don't understand why he's suddenly up and left, he said he doesn't love me anymore, surely I should have noticed sooner, but I was happy and it's came as a huge shock. I can't pull myself together most days, I feel like I'm in robot mode, I just feel so empty and lost and like he's the only person in the world who can fix me.

StewPots Sat 10-Jun-17 15:27:48

OP, what was his reason for leaving? Was it because of the MH issues you described in the opening post?

What was he like in the weeks/ months etc leading up to him leaving?

StewPots Sat 10-Jun-17 15:29:11

And you haven't let anyone down. He has let you and DC down with his frankly shambolic behaviour.

He's a father and "D"P, not a teenager.

littlegrub2 Sat 10-Jun-17 15:37:19

We've only been together a couple of years so it was quite rushed.
Little one was born early and was unwell and we were under a lot of stress, but it was nothing major. To me anyway, he was my rock through it all. But he says it made him love me less and less, when he had a busy day at work (he works 80 hours a week), and came home to find me having a bad day or struggling with my depression he felt it was too much on his shoulders and he wants to 'chill' when he's not working, so he can't be with someone with depression.
We bickered, again nothing major, but he said it chipped away and he wasn't happy in the relationship.
So I sit and obsess over these little bickers we had wondering what I said or did so wrong.
I think they must be excuses. I think he just fell out of love, but I don't know why, I gave him everything, and again we were happy. We had a date night a few days before he left and it was literally the loveliest date. Like when we'd first met. Few days later he's gone. It makes no sense to me sad

StewPots Sat 10-Jun-17 16:12:13

Oh OP I'm so sorry... I get he felt under pressure maybe but that's no excuse for leaving you in the lurch and going NC like this...especially taking your depression into account.

Have you spoken to a health visitor at all about it? Is it possible you have PND?

StewPots Sat 10-Jun-17 16:14:42

And you didn't do anything wrong...have you got mates who can come over at some point or who you can call?

littlegrub2 Sat 10-Jun-17 16:17:11

I have a lot of friends, they've been great. Health visitor comes out every week to see me as I'm really struggling, I think it's pnd too. I'm devastated that it made me lose my partner sad

StewPots Sat 10-Jun-17 16:19:26

Oh darling it didn't make you lose your partner and it's awful you feel like that right now...he's treating you shamefully right now and I know that you don't want to hear that, but PND or not you don't do this to someone you love...you deserve so much better and so do your DC.

LouHotel Sat 10-Jun-17 20:06:22

First things first the fact you have PND is not your fault, its is a biological response to pregnancy that you have no control over. It will get better and you will be able to see throught fog you currently feel your under.

The fact he's effectively blaming you for your MH issues shows him for the person he really is and thought it hurts right now I promise you in a few months or year would be grateful of being rid.

Right now you need someone you trust to help you get your finances and childcare in order so he doesnt run all over you. Do you have a sibling or parent that can help you?

StewPots Tue 13-Jun-17 17:32:13

How are you holding up, OP? flowers

Starlight2345 Tue 13-Jun-17 19:30:09

I am sure I read somewhere incidence of PND is higher in parents whose children are prem, also with a history of depression risk is higher.

Ask HV or GP to assess you for it.

Do a list of what you need to get done in the day.Ask for help whether it is for a friend to ask you to drop of a meal or pick up some shopping.

Make sure you plan time to do nice things whether it is going for a walk in the park asking someone to look after LO while you have a bath, paint your nails.

As for ex..You need to put him on the back burner for now. Do not call unless it is baby related. Do not ask him to start again..For whatever reason he doesn't want to right now . I suspect you will reach a point where you know you don't deserve this.

For now. I would like you to know though you don't feel like you can cope you absolutely can. If he has been working 80 hours a week , that is 80 hours you have done it on your own.

littlegrub2 Wed 14-Jun-17 04:26:06

Thank you, and thanks for asking SP. x

I'm not doing too good. Can't sleep, can't eat, have constant panic attacks, I'm still in the begging phase, I know it's not helping but I can't help it. I have the doctor again tomorrow but I'm not sure there's much they can do for a broken heart sad

StewPots Wed 14-Jun-17 07:26:30

Oh OP so sorry to hear that it's so bad for you...the GP visit is a good thing though, be honest with how you feel don't hold back.

I used to be on ADs but prior to my GP appointment to discuss how I was feeling, I wrote down everything I felt, that I worried about and how I reacted to things. It was a huge help to the GP so he could pinpoint the correct medication, but also to me as it felt cathartic- as in, yes, I feel like utter shit but I'm going to take steps to get better and here's the first one...just an idea for you, it might not work for you but you never know Xx

StewPots Wed 14-Jun-17 18:18:23

How did the GP visit go OP? How are you holding up? flowers

littlegrub2 Wed 14-Jun-17 19:54:28

Thank you for asking ❤️

Upped my anti-depressants, continue with beta-blockers but they don't even stop my panic attacks anymore. Referred to mental health services again but could be in for a few months wait.

I am still as broken as day one, when does this get easier? 😔 I can't see it ever getting easier.

StewPots Wed 14-Jun-17 20:07:50

Evening OP...you've been in my thoughts...I know it's not ideal but at least the GP has taken it seriously, upped meds may help for the short term...Maybe even for longer...

But obviously I can't say how long you will feel this way...all I know is that one day you will come through this fog, through the heartbreak and anxiety, and you will smile again...

Just please have hope that that day will come, lean on your support network as much as you need to and start to love yourself, your heart will heal in time Xx

littlegrub2 Wed 14-Jun-17 20:39:43

I feel as though it will get worse before it gets better and I don't have the strength.
When I stop begging, I'm not even at the acceptance phase yet. I've lost any bit of dignity I had left.
When he moves on.. I know I shouldn't but these are things I'll have to deal with so they're in my mind.

I just feel so low, all the time. If I'm not crying I'm having an anxiety attack. And he can fix all that by coming back, which makes me feel so weak, I don't know how to become stronger, I was dependent on him sad

Starlight2345 Wed 14-Jun-17 20:50:57

Glad you saw GP.

My advice don't think any further forward than the next couple of hours. Focus on the children and their needs ..Children are a great distraction. They are so insular their needs, mum plays, mum takes me to the park is all they care about.

Fabulousdahlink Wed 14-Jun-17 21:38:43

Dear Littlegrub2

I know you are hurting in ways you didnt know existed...and then you feel bad for something that was not your fault.
I know that feeling because a few weeks ago I had the same pain, bewilderness, fear for the future and sense of failure that I'd failed to make it work for my kids.
It doesnt matter if it is 2 years...or 22 years in my case- the shock of loss and betrayal and the discovery of new painful stuff hurts like hell.
I can only tell you what I did. Obsessive cleaned, did tip runs every day, got on with divorce and CM paperwork. Gave myself time to stay in bed and cry. Stayed up late watching tv when I couldnt sleep. Came onto mn and got incredible support. You feel so alone, but sadly there are so many of us going through it together.
I found getting out of the house was important..even a walk in the garden centre or upping my volunteering...anything that stopped me dwelling on stuff swirling round my head. I gave up sleep and listened to podcasts instead when I woke up. Gardened until my arms dropped off..anything physical that left me dog tired before bed. Today I blocked their email addresses and social media accounts so I need not hear from them or about them.
You deserve better than a man who walked out on you. He does not deserve you.
I spent so much good time with my 2 kids . plan a trip or day out for the two of you. Take some pictures and put them in a frame. You got this...and we got your back.xx
One day at a time. Be kind to yourself. It's normal to hurt like this..but everyday is another day away from the day it happened and you and your child are still here and still surviving. Celebrate the small stuff.x

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