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Ex lied to me to stop me having kids

(175 Posts)
RoseNarene Sun 28-May-17 12:34:46

So I broke up with ex on 14th February after the other woman contacted me and shared the disgusting conversations the two of them were having. Started divorce process soon after. My girls are only just 1 and almost 5. No court orders in place yet; I've been to my single session mediation and his is in a couple of weeks. What I do know is that he wants a shared residency arrangement whereby he gets the house and has the kids 4 days a week, and I get them 3 days. Currently, and before we broke up, I work 2 days a week (when the girls are at nursery) and he is full time. His idea is that I will go back to work full time because I have better career prospects and earn more money therefore I can afford to support myself, whereas he doesn't and can't, therefore that means he should get house and kids and all the benefits and that I should pay him maintenance.

Oh and it's also important to note that we are currently alternating our time spent in our marital home 50:50. Kids are always there but not both parents at the same time.

I work Saturdays (temporarily) so he has the kids at the weekend. However, I learnt that he was working this Saturday randomly so had his parents look after the kids. No problem there. Only, I then find that the kids stayed the night at his parents, and he didn't. He stayed at the marital home. I was pissed off on two counts - firstly that I was kicked out of the house when he could've gone to his parents (that's where he stays when he's not at our house) and secondly because I was losing out on time with my kids in favour of his parents! I accept I must share with him, but not them. I asked if I could have the kids back Saturday evening as they should be with at least one of their parents and he simply said no, that Saturday night was his responsibility and he had organised it so tough shit basically.

So I begin asking can I have them back Sunday morning (I've been ill this week so haven't seen them since Tuesday) and he says no because that's HIS time with the kids (it usually is) and that they are all going out that day. I ask if I can have them in the afternoon and he says no. The only thing he will allow is me driving an hour to his parents to get the girls at 6pm, which would be awful for the 1 year old as she would want to cuddle me etc and certainly wouldn't want to be shoved in the car for an hours journey home the moment she sees her mummy for the first time in days. So ex says he will bring them home Monday morning.

However... I noticed that he has left his car in the car park of a nearby restaurant (walking distance from our house). It's still there now, and it's lunchtime. So there's no way he could be at his parents without his car.

And then my friend texted me to say that she saw my ex in town doing a bike ride with a cycle club!! I looked up the club and they ride between 9am and 1pm!! Once he finishes and gets back to the car, it'll take him an hour to get back to his parents, where he has left the kids. So he isn't even with them and won't be until at least 2pm!

So he has lied to me, telling me that he is with the kids today and that's why I can't have them, because it's his time, when in reality, my kids are with his fucking parents while he goes on a bike ride and I'm left on my own and haven't seen my kids since Tuesday!!! I'm crying right now I'm so upset, I miss them so badly and he fucking lied to me!

Please tell me I can use this against him when he tries to get 50/50 residency and acts like all he does is in the best interests of the kids when clearly it isn't, unless keeping children from their mother is considered in children's best interests these days!!!

OP’s posts: |
bluediamonds Sun 28-May-17 14:58:20

If I were you I'd change the contact now in your favour for keeping the kids and staying put in the house. If it goes to court and the judge sees it 50/50 and working I think perhaps that will go against you.

RoseNarene Sun 28-May-17 16:42:11

Yeah I've tried to sort of kick him out but it's his house too. I would have to lock him out of his own house. You are right, I think he is trying to make this arrangement the norm so a judge won't change it, but it's not working and I'm only doing it because I've been forced to.

OP’s posts: |
RandomMess Sun 28-May-17 16:47:21

Well stop moving out, even if you end up on a sofa bed in the lounge or sharing with the children.

Start spending every night with your DC in your home...

He works full time, you don't that is the precedence don't lose it. It's clear it's about him keeping the house and not spending time with the DC angry

Start this today, no more staying elsewhere.

RandomMess Sun 28-May-17 16:49:06

I would actually go to his parents and collect the DC if you think they are still there?

They can't keep them away from you as you have parental responsibility and they don't.

It's really awful and sad that he is doing this to the DC.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 28-May-17 16:53:09

I know you say you are in mediation, but imo mediation only works when both parties are prepared to be reasonable. I'm not 100% sure that describes your ex... He very much seems to be setting up a changed contact pattern - of course that may be because he passionately loves his children and can't stand the thought of only seeing them EOW or that may be because he wants to keep the house. You'll know the answer to that. If it's the latter scenario, I would seek urgent legal advice -- and don't tell him you're doing this.

MaisyPops Sun 28-May-17 16:59:25

Sounds like he's trying to keep the house and get you to suppoet yourself and him. He is using the kids to facilitate that and he has his parents round his little finger so they'll happily see their grandkids whilst he fucks off and does his hobbies.

You stay in the house with the kids from now on. He can come and visit and stay over if he likes, but he had an affair, his choices, he leaves.

WillowWeeping Sun 28-May-17 17:15:07

Do NOT stay away from the home, as another poster says even if you sleep in the sofa.

Maintain your position as primary carer.

youarenotkiddingme Sun 28-May-17 17:19:09

He sounds very controlling and that he's doing this to ensure he gets what he wants and not in the best interests of the children.

Dervel Sun 28-May-17 17:19:43

Lawyer up immediately and get some advice! If you did the bulk of the childcare before the split there is no reason that needs to change. In addition start making a detailed log of what times you have the children. Also restrict any and all communication with your ex to written methods, be it text message or email.

Personally I would drop the lying angle, not because you are in the right but the whole thing will come down to a he said/ she said thing and the best case scenario is a judge lambasts you both for bickering.

A better pivot for the events of the weekend is this: "In light of the weekends events I am deeply saddened you were not keen to reciprocate my support of the children's ongoing relationship with you. Seven nights is far too long for our children (especially our one year old!) to spend away from their mother. I have worked very hard to support the children's relationship with you and some common sense needs to applied in circumstances such as these. For any sort of shared care arrangement to work there needs to be flexibility to ensure our children see plenty of us."

The other reason to hold off on the lie angle is if he continues to engage in his asshattery he'll build up quite a backlog (which you'll be able to support via text and emails), and he'll look more and more unreasonable to a judge.

Again go see a solicitor I can't stress this enough.

Completeguess Sun 28-May-17 17:20:20

Stay in your house and don't leave again, even if he doesn't like it.

Completeguess Sun 28-May-17 17:22:04

Dont let him bully you into working full time and letting him keep the house. It's not up to him.

But do what you can at the moment to show you are committed to the children and want to be the main carer.

JennyOnAPlate Sun 28-May-17 17:23:49

I know others have said it but you need to stay in the house and not spend half the week elsewhere. It really isn't in your best interests to do things the way he wants.

RoseNarene Sun 28-May-17 17:30:37

I appreciate what you're saying... but one of the problems in our relationship was that he was very forceful when it came to sex. He never abused me or anything but it was enough to make me feel very uncomfortable staying in the house with him since we split up. He wants to get back with me and I don't really know what he would try, but I know that he will also make my life horrible and difficult when we are there together. I moved out half the week to avoid confrontation in front of the kids.

OP’s posts: |
RoseNarene Sun 28-May-17 17:32:28

And I should add that my solicitor said that me moving out half the time because I don't feel safe with him (safe from confrontation and emotional abuse / trauma) that means it won't be held against me.

OP’s posts: |
Butterymuffin Sun 28-May-17 17:45:13

I don't think then that the house sharing is working at all. Go back to your solicitor and say what you've said here and tell them you want to stop this pseudo-50/50 going on. Be prepared to ring the police if he gets threatening.

RandomMess Sun 28-May-17 17:52:04

Then you have 2 options.

Lock yourself in the room you sleep in, any more forceful behaviour you call the police.

Take the DC and go into a refuge.

The way this is going you will end up not having equal residency of the DC. As it stood when you split up you would probably have stayed in the marital home and been able to claim spousal support as well as child maintenance.

RoseNarene Sun 28-May-17 18:00:35

Yes I am going to speak to my solicitor too but obviously this has all happened this weekend.

My ex has also been through my underwear drawer and found new underwear I bought. He told me that the 1 year old was playing and got it out but I don't believe it for a second. I told him I didn't like it and didn't want him touching my underwear, but then I found he has washed and hung some out on the line. I don't want him touching it, not even to clean it.

OP’s posts: |
Completeguess Sun 28-May-17 18:08:46

Two options then:
- you leave with the children (you risk losing the house so make sure you get advice first)
- he leaves, using the law if you have to (police and occupation order)

RandomMess Sun 28-May-17 18:09:26

Seriously please speak to Woman's Aid.

His behaviour is very abusive.

How many bedrooms are there?

CrazedZombie Sun 28-May-17 18:11:46

Maintenance is dependent on how many nights each parent has the kids. He is probably logging how many nights he has the kids so that the maintenance amount increases. Him having the kids for Sunday night increases the maintenance by 1/7th. If the girls stay at his parents then it still counts as him having them as he organised the childcare and would be called in an emergency.

If he's trying for shared care then you need to agree to 50/50 nights. On here, 4 nights with parent 1, 3 nights with parent 2, 3 nights with parent 1, 4 nights with parent 2 is popular.

RoseNarene Sun 28-May-17 18:13:29

I wouldn't have thought anything going on is serious enough to speak to women's aid. Wouldn't I be wasting their time?

There are three bedrooms. The girls have one each and then there's the one I used to share with the ex.

I have called the police before about his strange behaviour - many weeks ago he stripped off naked in an attempt to get me on my own (my friend was with me) - but he hasn't done anything weird like that since and the police didn't want to know. They said he has a legal right to be in his home and to strip off naked if he wants to. They really didn't care. And my ex just says he was not right at the time and was in a state and he's now on anti depressants and speaking to a counsellor.

OP’s posts: |
RoseNarene Sun 28-May-17 18:16:51

He is trying for shared residency with him taking the marital home and having the kids Monday - Thursday, with me picking up the other days and paying him maintenance. There are no maintenance agreements yet in place; we both do shopping and we both pay equal share of bills.

His basis for working out residency in this way is that although I currently work 2 days a week, we previously discussed me going back to work full time, but that was never going to happen any time soon. Also, he says that since my earning potential is greater, I can go somewhere else and get set up in a new place whereas he can't afford to do that if he doesn't receive the tax credits and benefits.

OP’s posts: |
ginswinger Sun 28-May-17 18:27:48

I'm sure that arrangement would be lovely for him but what about what's best for the kids? If you are working 2 days a week, you are more able to care for the children as you have more time. That's got to be better for them than a FT working parent who will be using daycare. Can I suggest you get a shit hot lawyer to get advice from? If you tell us what part of the country you're in, people might have suggestions. The one you have seems a little wet TBH.

UnicornSparkles1 Sun 28-May-17 18:33:11

Take your kids and move out.

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