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Becoming Single Mum - Where to start?

(7 Posts)
Gemcmu Fri 12-May-17 12:33:23

I am seriously considering a split from my partner. Our daughter is 1. I have thought about this long and hard, this is not a decision in anger or frustration, I just feel as though there is no way we can share a life. I could rant for hours about his behaviour (lazy, bossy, critical, unreasonable) but there would be little point. We live in my house, he has been here for 3 years, his name is not on the mortgage but he did put £10k into the house for renovations last year, and will, I know, use this as leverage (ie I'm not going anywhere unless you pay me back my £10k).
If he leaves the first real issue I will have is financial. I work 3 days a week, which I could push to 4. My daughter is happy and settled at nursery so I could increase her days there. My question is, what do I do after this? If he left today, do I go to citizen's advice? job centre? how do I know what I can claim? Can I claim anything if I have a house in my name? Can I make him leave if I can't afford to pay him back his £10k?
My second, bigger issue is how the hell will I cope with her going to stay with him without me? I am still breastfeeding for a start, but more importantly I don't agree with his ways sometimes, eg staring at his phone ignoring her while she eats, not engaging etc, and if he got another partner I know I would be physically sick at the thought of another woman caring for her.
Is just such a mess. Deep down I know this has to be done - I don't think it will be healthy for her to see us bickering every day and living like two people that hate each other.
Has anyone else made this leap with similar circumstances? WHat did you do?
Thanks for reading.

Tiredofstruggling1 Sun 14-May-17 01:55:00

In exactly the same place and now separated and in different houses. It's very hard. My ex was doing the same, not engaging with the baby.

SuperSheepdog Tue 16-May-17 07:32:34

I split with my ex when dd was 1. I was still bf so he didn't have her overnight. My ex hasn't had any serious relationships since we split.

I've found as the dc get older I get more relaxed about their time away etc (I actually enjoy it as I can look for work/clean/have some time to myself). My ex isn't great with his help or support though - they tend to come back needing to be fed and he's not the most reliable.

Your dd is already in nursery so already has others care for her, but I get that if your ex got a new partner it's a different relationship though and you won't have chosen them!

I'm not sure about the 10k, perhaps you could agree to pay it over a period?

Good luck with your decision, being a single parent isn't easy but is better than all the arguments etc.

Queenofthedrivensnow Mon 22-May-17 19:36:31

Same experience of partner not engaging with the dc. We split and exh became a much better parent. He had to manage in his own so he did to be fair. Before we split his extent was basic supervision as in being in the room with dd1 but playing on his laptop with the TV on - did my effing head in

KeyChange Mon 22-May-17 23:15:08

Me and ex split when DC was 18 months. Nasty git had a OW and moved in with her.

It was incredibly hard to hand DC over to him (and her) every other weekend. But like another poster said, I also look forward to this time as its the only free time I get. No overnights yet as also breastfeeding - it's caused some arguments but I dont think DC would understand to suddenly be separated from me/boobs. It will happen one day though - and when it does I will go out with friends, have a long meal and a couple of drinks and bloody enjoy it!

I still struggle a bit. DC is starting to talk more and mentions OW name. But I keep telling myself the important thing is that she is kind to him. I try not to react and avoid making DC feel like cant mention her or time with daddy - that would be wrong of me.

DC spends more time at nursery than does with OW and doesn't see his carers as a replacement for me. If/when a partner does come on the scene try to think of her as free childcare.

Ex doesn't have same parenting style as me. It bothers me when I ask how they've spent time with DC and they've just dragged round shops (I think they should plan some quality time). Plus he doesn't see the need for naps (wrong!). Oh and he buys totally impractical clothes, whereas if he gave me the money I could put it towards decent shoes etc. Sigh. However none of it is going to do any damage so I find it best to bite my tongue and accept we are different (and I am so lucky he's not here permanently)

Practical stuff -
Benefits calculator

I'm no expert but just cos he paid towards renovations doesnt give him the right to stay unwanted in YOUR house.

If you cant agree things I think mediation is a good starting point, it costs, but far less than court would, and should lead to a mutual agreement in terms of child access and support.

PamDooveOrangeJoof Mon 22-May-17 23:18:04

It's your house he can't just stay there regardless if he money he put in for renovations I wouldn't think.

unicornsdream Sun 28-May-17 14:43:14

I'm in a similar position to you at the moment, actually it was like reading about myself and my husband with his approach to parenting.... basic as someone called it sums it up perfectly. All I know is we aren't the first and wont be the last to have to cope alone. But whatever happens make sure your happy. We have already discussed that due to the distance between where we will live (4 hours apart) until my LO is old enough (as in at school), I will not be happy being seperated over night or LO being at his while I'm at ours. He understands and it's not ideal but iv agreed to travel with LO and stay in hotels every other month until LO is old enough to understand the distance and be comfortable alone with Daddy knowing I can't just pop round if their is a problem. It's not the same for everyone but maybe discussing the overnight issue may bring a surprising compromise? After all everyone needs to be comfortable with the arrangement espescially your child.... at the end of the day he will eventually have LO overnight but while so young I'd see if he's willing to put LO's sense of security and normality first. Isn't it a greater feeling for Daddy when their child wants to stay overnight rather than is obliged too? I'd like to add mine will see LO more often but is willing to travel to us alternative months to us going to him. Thing is we are mutually parting ways so it's making the nitty gritty bits easier to agree on b8t worth having the conversation as you will know where his heads at our terms of access etc. Good luck xx

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