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How often should baby see dad

(10 Posts)
Jade27xx Sun 23-Apr-17 12:02:44

My ex decided to leave when i was 4 months along. Have been getting awgul messages from his mother. Picture messages look at what we have for baby when she comes over. Her dad stated aslong as she has everything she needs for his house he doesnt care what i need. (So i took this message from his mother to heart felt like they were rubbing it in that they could afford more for LO than i).

However how kften should i let my baby visit her dad? I know its important for her to have the bond with her father although i feel he is not concerned. (Ive been recieving messages from a number which i dont know hoping baby dies, saying im a rubbish mother, saying her dad will take her from me). Im worried that it ends up gping through court.

Im worried that i finally expet that hes gone get on with my life and do whats best for my children then he comes crawling back making demands.

He and his mother said as he works ive to work around his schedule, which would mean he wants her every weekend.

I already have a son who is 5 at school mon-fri, i feel its important for me my son and daughtet to be able to do things as a family at weekends also. They feel the bind between father and daughter is more important than brother and sister.

Ive previously pisted before, i just feel very worried about alot. I still have 15 weeks left in my pregnancy an terrified for my date to come.

My babya dads father is saying they wabt a DNA test, i think im more worried that everything is going to get more stressfull.

On many occassions ive replied to his mother please dont contact me, theres no need for it. However apprently her dad recieved a text message about LO, saying i lost her (havent seen the text, so dont know if lies or not). As i was at work 8-8 i never responded until i finished and i got so much abuse over the phone for not responding straught away or answering her calls.

Am i doing something wrkng here? I feel like everything is my fault in the situation.

FurryElephant Sun 23-Apr-17 16:43:45

Please don't stress too much about it yet! I know it's easier said than done sad
When a baby is small they advise (from reading a lot about it) short, frequent visits by dad to begin building a bond. Are you planning on breastfeeding? If so it will be very unlikely he would get any long period with baby away from you at all. A lot that I've read also indicates that until a child is much older (some things say 3 years, some a bit younger) it is detrimental to a babies attachment development to have over night visits away from the primary carer. Either way I would not let him have your baby overnight for a long time and if he took it to court I'm sure a judge would say the same! Babies need mum.
My advice (might be a bit controversial) is to block him and his mothers numbers and tell them all communication is to be done via email. Then don't put him on the birth certificate and tell him to get a paternity test and rights through a court if he wishes. This can cost up to £20,000!
And enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!

Dervel Tue 25-Apr-17 12:37:08

I've been the father in this equation, and the wisdom is little and often. However no court is going to take your baby away from you. You can set the pace and pattern of contact don't let anyone bully you. Save any text/written communication as it doesn't sound like your ex is striving to make the situation as smooth as I tried to.

Your ex has a choice he can try to co-parent or try to control-parent. Only one of those approaches has a positive outcome for the child. It might be wise to approach cafcass they have literature on separated parenting your ex may find useful. It might also be good to look at mediation further down the line.

For right now there is not a great deal he can do as you hold all the cards. Do what you are comfortable with and leave the door ajar for him to act responsibly and decently.

In my own experience I was seeing my son 3-4 times a week and he started staying at mine for overnights from about 4 months. However don't take that as a suggestion, in my case my son and I bonded solidly and he was fine, but not every child will necessarily be that way. There has to be room to tailor the arrangement. There is not a whole lot of point as a father taking a baby away if you can't soothe them!

I got a lot of mileage asking the health visitor for advice. I attended all the weigh ins and visits, and explained who I was and what my aspirations as a dad were and she gave me a good steer on how to approach things.

From what you have posted I worry your ex is on a collision course to cause problems and may need an attitude readjustment. Also you only have to deal with him, his mother has no rights whatsoever. In addition your child's relationships with everyone, you, him and siblings are of significance. My son has a half-sibling on his mother's side he is besotted with.

fuzzywuzzy Tue 25-Apr-17 12:41:06

I wouldn't agree to every weekend you deserve quality time with your baby.

Suggest an hour/couple of hours every other evening if he wants you to work around his work hours and see how it goes.

Report the malicious texts to the police they're harassing messages.

Jade27xx Tue 25-Apr-17 13:30:53

I was planning on returning to university in seotember, which i know will be difficult however every year will be thr same regardless, i said to my ex that he could help me as much as possible through the week as i would require it he said no just weekends, although based upon my studies if i do go back weekends is the only days i can get a proper bond with bith my children together as a family.

My child from a previous realationship totally ubderstands this and is great with my son and helps out as much as he can, hes alsp willing to be part of my daughters life and treat her as his own.

Im worried that i wont be better myself becauae my ex is an ass and will make it all very difficuly, ive started to forget about him abd hope that when our babys born he will have a diffrent attotude towards me but i guess only time can tell.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 27-Apr-17 00:21:07

reply with things such as: "it is in the best interests of the child that.." think what is baby's best interests. certainly having a bond with a sibling is good as well as with dad.

Camnico Thu 27-Apr-17 16:16:54

Make an appointment to speak to a family lawyer. You don't have to agree to every weekend. X

Jade27xx Thu 27-Apr-17 16:52:24

Im just going to wait carry on with my life as normal and do what i would have done.

When baby does arrive im jusy going to be firm with them and tell them straight that they will not get baby every weekend, they can have one night a week and all day sunday. If they arent happy with that they can all go fuck themselves.

Ive put my life and goals on hold for them long enough, not letting them all walk over me and bully me into whag they want. They are evil and manipulate everything to suit themselves. Must be crazy allowing my daughter near them as i want so much bettwr for her bit she also has the right to know her family/identity

BlackeyedSusan Fri 28-Apr-17 00:22:43

let him build up contact. baby has known nothing but you, your smell and your voice. he can meet baby for an hour or two at a time a few times a week then build up to less visits but longer each visit. this will be best for baby. email the suggestion to him so that if he refuses you have evidence that you were offering contact and implementing a schedule that is in baby's best interests.

Starlight2345 Fri 28-Apr-17 19:13:35

My advise..I agree block them both but definitely mum..Tell him to communicate through email..

Tell him you will be in touch when the baby is born.

At birth little and often is recommended..So he would come round for a few hours a couple of times a week. If you are breastfeeding you can't really be away from them anyway. His mum has no rights at all. Tell him to come alone and see if he is actually interested or his mum is the driving force in this. I also agree I would not be putting him on the birth certificate.. He sounds like he will argue about everything to get his own way.

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