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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

Inappropriate behaviour from ex's new partner

32 replies

redkaybee · 14/04/2017 23:08

Hello
Dealing with an ex who has new partner. Was informed by my four year old daughter that she had a bath with my ex partners new girlfriend - as in both naked in the bath together.
Is this normal behaviour?
I feel like it is crossing boundaries - I am a very present mum - I do all the parenting. It has been described as disrespectful by another mum friend of mine. My daughter never overnights as ex can't be bothered.
Thoughts please - and ways to approach the situation.
Thanks

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Zestisbest · 14/04/2017 23:10

Would not be comfortable with that in any way whatsoever. You don't know this woman and neither does your daughter. Speak to your XP

user1487854472 · 15/04/2017 09:19

No way would I be comfortable with this! Why would the ex's partner even consider this?!

redkaybee · 15/04/2017 10:10

I don't know why she would do it.
Is it something that happens when ex has a new partner? That they take on that kind of role? I obv don't want to deny my daughter a close relationship but naked bathing just seems way off centre - is it something that would happen further down the line? Or is it wholly disrespectful?
I'd like to know people's thoughts. It certainly does not sit well with me.

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user1487854472 · 15/04/2017 14:09

I think it's massively disrespectful!! I wouldn't even expect close family to do things like that with my daughter. It's very very strange!

october17baby · 15/04/2017 14:20

I really don't find it that disrespectful, she is a child and innocent. When I was little I had baths with my step mum before she was officially my step mum and all it taught me was that other woman have the same bodies as me. Obviously if you think somthing more sinister is happening then call the police immediately but otherwise think your over thinking it massively. Girls are taught from a young age to be ashamed of their bodies and too hide them. You are lucky this woman is showing an interest when your ex doesn't sound like he gives a crap! It was probably your child who asked to get in, in the first place I always used too because you as an innocent child think nothing of it

DangerMouse17 · 15/04/2017 14:26

YUCK! No way would I allow some strange woman to bathe naked with my child! She is seriously over-stepping! I wouldn't want her bodily fluids or particles mingling with my child's, regardless of her intentions ( which I'm sure are well-meaning). She can read her a story to establish a close relationship...she doesn't need to bath with her!

Mooey89 · 15/04/2017 14:29

I met my ex when my step daughter was 5 - she lived with us and her mother could not be bothered, would see her a couple of hours a week if she could be bothered.

We used to bath together and it was a key part of bonding, always at her request.
That said, I was doing all of the parenting. This is very different and absolutely I can see why you are so upset.

If my son were to go to EXH's now and bath with a new GF, I'd be livid.
I might be a hypocrite

KickAssAngel · 15/04/2017 14:47

How does your daughter feel about it?
It could be a new partner trying to do what she thinks parents do with young kids, or it could be a way of trying to force your DD to accept her against DD's will.

So - was your DD happy having the bath?

TwoBeams · 15/04/2017 14:50

I would also wonder, why is she being bathed during a normal afternoon visit, if ex doesn't do overnights
I would not be comfortable with this.

redkaybee · 16/04/2017 00:29

Mooey89 do you still see your stepdaughter now? How old would she be now...? What did she think about sharing the bath?

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redkaybee · 16/04/2017 00:35

october17baby my dd told me the gf got into the bath with her, not the other way around. She will be able to see other women's bodies naturally when changing for gym / swimming baths etc . A bath is quite an intimate bonding place - and as I am a very present parent i.e. I do every last bit of parenting I'm not sure it is appropriate. It certainly doesn't feel appropriate from my standpoint - it feels like a crossing of boundaries euth a lack of respect.
Was your stepmother prominent in your life? Did you spend overnights with her? We're there days that you spent living with her? How was the time shared between your birth mother and your stepmother. Did your stepmother actively parent?

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Mupflup · 16/04/2017 08:29

I'm a stepmother (wife of NRP), have been since my DSC was a toddler. Only ever done bath time a handful of times in 6 years when DH has been busy / unwell. Never ever been in the bath / shower with them. Only time they've seen me naked is changing after swimming or if they've come into the bedroom when I'm getting changed. I think it's a bit weird tbh (not necessarily sinister, just odd), especially if there's no overnights involved, just can't think of a reason that would need to happen.

NeverTwerkNaked · 16/04/2017 08:39

Depends whether your dd was fine with it or not. Wouldn't overly concern me, but then i still bath with dd sometimes and did with DS till we didn't both fit in the bath comfortably .

My kids and my step kids all wander into the bathroom if I am showering / using the loo

DunedinGirl · 16/04/2017 08:40

Particularly as your daughter didn't request a bath with this woman I think it is massively overstepping.

NeverTwerkNaked · 16/04/2017 08:41

Op didn't say that anywhere dunedin ...

Afreshstartplease · 16/04/2017 08:42

I would not be okay with this

Also as a child lived with my dad and his partner and would not have been comfortable as a child with her in my bath!

DunedinGirl · 17/04/2017 01:58

Oops, you're right, she didn't. I extrapolated that from her last comment.

iogo · 17/04/2017 02:02

I'd be very uncomfortable with that. I bathed my SD lots of times when she was little but never ever got in the bath with her. I've had plenty of baths and showers with my own children. Definitely feels like crossing a line when it's not your own.

GinSwigmore · 17/04/2017 02:16

Is GF very young? Does she have much younger siblings or no experience with kids at all?
I ask, because at 20 I was an au-pair, and the five year old DD much to her mum's amusement got into the bath with me. I had a much younger sister so it didn't faze me. It was also at a time when, with no experience of kids of my own, I didn't really see it as an intimate thing - rather a favour for the mum who would have had to bath child anyway.
But in retrospect/nowadays it would probably be deemed inappropriate.
Not sure why GF would choose herself to go into your DD's bath though. She could have supervised just sitting on the loo. Your ex should be doing that anyhow. So, playing devil's advocate either:
Really clumsy attempt at bonding
Asked by ex to supervise so thought it was easier than sitting on loo/kneeling on tiles/multi tasking if she needed a bath anyway
She's a naturist hippy
Crass attempt to show your ex how maternal she is

It is overstepping I think. I cannot recall ever sharing a bath with my stepmum. That said, siblings so three to a bath anyway.
You could have a word with your ex that you think DD should bathe independently. Be sure though that your DD does have out the right way round, she could have picked up on your feelings and changed the story.

GinSwigmore · 17/04/2017 02:24

^it not out
and I mean she might have requested going into the GF's bath, mentioned it to you, seen your face then when asked whether she had asked or GF had asked to share, and given you the answer she thought you wanted (please please don't take that the wrong way. I am only basing that on my experience as a child who was very careful not to upset my mum as far as mentioning sm was concerned)

summerfling · 17/04/2017 15:34

When you say new gf, how new??

redkaybee · 18/04/2017 20:16

Thanks for the responses - ginswigmore it feels like you have interpreted the situation pretty well. My daughter just told me the GF got into her bath with her - it wasn't prompted by me - so guessing she just told the truth.
I do feel like it is confusing my daughter and affecting her emotionally as her behaviour has been quite erratic recently - huge tantrums. She must have sensed that I was not happy with the situation and I do feel it is unfair to her as she doesn't know really what she is doing. I don't know how to make it right - as I cannot talk to my ex about anything straightforwardly. He was downstairs watching Tv when it happened. As usual.

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Mooey89 · 18/04/2017 21:19

She is 12 now red. I see her when ex lets me (very long boring story)

The bath was always requested by her, she lived doing it. But she desperately wanted that closeness and 'mothering' I think...
it is something I do with DS now, who's 4. DSD was always my daughter as much as my son is mine so tbh I never considered it would be inappropriate.

swingofthings · 20/04/2017 17:39

Before drawing any conclusions, I would want to know more. For instance, it might be that she was in the bath, then her SM was attempting to wash her her but struggling, so she took her trousers off and got in the bath, with nickers and long T-shirt to do it.

At that age, their comprehension of language can mean that things come out quite distorted. The nursery manager once asked to speak to me about an incident my -very good and very clever- daughter had told them about her father. She told them that her dad had been in a big fight with the neighbour and that they had broken the fence and her dad wasn't well that morning. What had happened was that the neighbour had a party which did involve quite a bit of joyful drinking. OH and neighbour (who we were very close friends to) had been acting stupid dancing and did manage to fall unto the fence. DD had woken up when hearing everyone clapping their dancing and only seen both of them falling on top of each other. He was indeed poorly in the morning....from his hangover.

All this to say that what happened might be very different to the conclusion you reached from her words, so my advice would be to have a non accusatory word with your ex, just saying that DD has related taking a bath with SM naked, that you are surprised about this and did he know what happened. Take it from there.

redkaybee · 22/04/2017 10:17

I cannot communicate with my ex - he is not open for any communication regarding dd welfare. It's only important if it suits him. And what suited him was being downstairs watching Tv while the bath took place. My daughter has elaborated freely - it now appears she touched the gf breasts and lower regions.

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