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Son suffering from absent dad

(6 Posts)
Batulay Wed 12-Apr-17 00:15:27

SubhanaAllah I'm so frustrated and angry right now. Why is it that some scumbags of a father think it's enough to pay child support? Why do they flipping think that money substitutes for time spent with THEIR kids? Sometimes, I am tempted to change my bank details so his money returns to his bank account, Alhamdulilah I don't need his money. The only thing preventing me from doing it is that I dont want to step in between him 'providing' for his kids and fulfilling his 'duty'.
There I am, trying to explain to my kids why their father is absent from their life, although he lives in the SAME city!!!! He hasn't seen them for a year, and before that he would show up for a few weeks then disappear for months, no phone calls, nothing!!!! We know how boys tend to idealise over their dad, well my boy is especially affected, his behaviour has been erratic these past few weeks. He's also quite teary, he gets upset for the slightest thing, says he misses his dad, wants to see him etc...how am I flipping supposed to deal with this?!!! What do I tell him?!!!! That his dad just doesn't care about him and his siblings?! How do I deal with this situation without making my boy feel like it's his fault, that his unworthy of his dad's love etc...SubhanaAllah, I find this situation difficult to deal with. What I'm looking for in here is advice on how to make my boy feel better about himself. Please refrain from comments suggesting to reconnect with the dad, he's just not interested.

raspberryblue Wed 12-Apr-17 00:22:50

Sorry didn't want to read and run. Does your DS do any extra curricula. Marshall arts, team sports, cadets - depending on age. Build his confidence.

Batulay Wed 12-Apr-17 00:26:29

Thanks for replying, he doesn't really no, but I'll be looking into it for sure...I need to get him to do more things

Rainbowqueeen Wed 12-Apr-17 00:40:34

Honestly there is no way in this situation I would suggest you reconnect with his dad - he is clearly a dick who will continue to let him down over and over.

Its great that you are looking at getting him involved in more activities, scouts might be a good one. Does he have any positive mail role models in his life eg extended family? If so, can you get them to spend more time with him?

Counselling might help too. Or awareness that he is not the only kid in this situation. do you know other families where the dad is not involved at all? You could maybe mention them in a casual way so he feels less alone.

flowers to you and your son.

PS keep claiming the money - use it to do nice things for your kids

Starlight2345 Wed 12-Apr-17 12:57:45

How old is your DS?

I find been very factual and unemotional is really the best approach.. My DS now 9 hasn't seen his Dad since he was 3.. I initially did the none of this is your fault to the point he would roll his eyes..however I think it took a teacher telling him for him to believe it. I also pointed out he has a half brother his dad doesn't see so that makes it more not about him.

I have also talked to him about the reality of a dad been there. Dads don't just take you to the park and fishing they often sit on the sofa and watch football and go to the pub with there mates..and put it into perspective nothing else would be happening in this house if he had a dad in fact it would be less child focussed.

One piece of advice some else gave me was how much we pick up on every word they say about dad almost reinforces it. I miss Nan, well she lives a long way away so you don't see her often, a child moves school, families move on.. I also found with my DS he would talk about his dad when he was in trouble or at bedtime.. A get out clause or bedtime delay.. So if it is bedtime. I tell him ask me tomorrow if you really want an answer , he often doesn't.

I have also told him he isn't great at been a dad and I can't imagine not seeing you.

These things have been said over year of what I call the revolving door question . He generally doesn't care now.. Last time he mentioned his dad he was worried he would be somewhere we was gooing..I asked him what he would want to do.He said punch him in the face.. but the same place before walk away.. so he has reached the point he doesn't want to know his dad but it has taken many years.

He has never worshiped his dad as once I knew he would never see him. I haven't slagged him off but have let him know his faults so he doesn't see him as some fictional character..

Sickofthisalready Wed 12-Apr-17 17:16:56

Im in the exact same boat. My ex keeps letting my 3 year old down for OW or a night out.

My DS worships him and it breaks my heart that I cannot make him care about DS. They haven't seen eachhother for almost 2 weeks. I know this doesn't seem like a long time but it's the longest theyve ever gone and DS keeps asking when daddy is coming home.

Ive cut all contact now as I cannot keep lying to him when ex blows him out. Will need to sit him down very soon and explain whats going on. Its going to break his little heart.

Ex is now dragging his feet over money, and moaning about me using the CSM for maintenance. He's absolute scum and I just feel so guilty that this is the father my DS has ended up with sad

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