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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

New baby fighting with father

29 replies

user1491833472 · 11/04/2017 11:51

I have just had a baby girl via section the father and I haven't seen eachother since I was 35 weeks pregnant when she was born I had demands to let him see her bearing in mind I've just got out of threatre I let him of course as it's her dad he stayed for a while then left I then gets a text saying I want to see her again so I said ok pop up in the morning before I go home he then texted bk with demands of seeing her when I get home I said I've just had her and haven't thought about it but of course u r her dad u will see here he the tells me who can go near her who can't I told him he has no rights in telling me who I let in my house etc. He then turns nasty and had ago I told him until he can act like an adult for our daughter then not to bother contacting he said u won't get no money from me and I shall take u to court it's really depressing me as I've tried my best I haven't stopped him but now he's blocked me so can't even contact him. She hasn't even been registered yet I don't know what to do it's meant to be a happy time but all I seem to do is sit there and cry any advice do I put her in his name ? Without him there I can't put him on the certificate ??? Do I keep trying or just leave it and get on with it ? This is my 4 th child 1st with him my other kids don't see their dad but I always make sure they don't forget him and when he contacts I let them talk to him as I believe it's their chose but cause she is so tiny 5 days old I don't know what to do

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HowamIgoingtocope · 11/04/2017 17:04

Nope. Don't put him on the birth certificate. It will save you alot of hassle. If he's not there with you he can't go on it. So get it done asap.
Have you got family support. Don't answer any of his texts. Send one txt stating I have just had our daughter please leave me to recuperate. I will contact you in due course via my solicitor regarding contact the arrangements. He is perfectly entitled to go through court. But you have just had her so this would be deemed as unreasonable.
Get hold of the cma and start proceedings for maintaince. If he's any sort of man he will man up. Leave you alone until you contact him when your recovered.

summerfling · 11/04/2017 17:19

Leave him, leave him off the BC too.

Don't contact him, recover from your surgery & leave him to crack on with whatever he wants to do.

I know you want to do best by your kids but honestly putting him on the BC & trying to establish a relationship with him & your DD, will just cause you more hassle! He will try to control it all

Starlight2345 · 11/04/2017 18:30

I would say at this point in time do not contact him...Let it stay blocked..Give baby your surname and get baby registered without his name..

He sounds controlling..At this point in time this is about controlling you and not out of interest in your DD.

Give yourself time to recover and bond before you worry about next steps with him.. You have to do what is best for your DD and the other DC which is not allowing yourself and them to agree to everything a man says.

Congratulations on the birth of your DD.

user1491833472 · 12/04/2017 09:03

Thank for your advice my mum has said the same thing but I just feel horrid by putting her in my name and her dad being this way I've always been brought up believing kids should have both parents in their kids unless of a safety reason

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thethoughtfox · 12/04/2017 10:16

Don't put his name on the birth certificate. He will just have a stronger case for more rights to her. I don't think you can put his name on it without him being there anyway if you are not married. Good luck.

Starlight2345 · 12/04/2017 12:34

Just remember you haven't created this situation...He has ..I was married to my EX so we all had the same surname..It really makes life easier when they call you for DR's, travelling abroad.. A whole spectrum..

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 12/04/2017 12:37

Please do NOT put him on the BC. Better for you and better for her. Congratulations on your new baby

user1491833472 · 12/04/2017 12:41

Shall I use my name or put his last name on it or my maiden name

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Starlight2345 · 12/04/2017 14:00

No leave his name out of it.. At this point you have no idea if he is going to have any involvement..For your ease of life give her your name. He can get PR at a later date..

Use what name you plan to use for yourself.Are you married to DD dad ? Do you plan to continue to use that name for yourself?

So far he has done nothing but cause problems. This makes your life easier. Your DD also won't have a name of a man who possibly she won't ever see again..

I would book registry office ( assuming you have a name for her) and even if you do end up speaking to him do not tell him the date. Obviously you need to be well enough to go and registar but my appointment was a couple of weeks after I phoned but not sure how usual that is?

Blueskyonthehorizon · 15/04/2017 09:51

Can you ask a friend or family member to help arrange contact between father and baby? I don't agree that he should be cut out of her life if he is interested in being a part of it. It's for her benefit not his. Contact and maintenance are different and of course you should pursue financial support from him.

Blueskyonthehorizon · 15/04/2017 09:52

Forgot to add, of course no need to put him on BC, and do let yourself recover from the birth and stay safe.

user1491833472 · 15/04/2017 10:14

My baby is only 9 days old I've told him to come to mine and see her I've messaged him all week to see if he wants contact he now has blocked me and his best mate said that he said the baby isn't his so leave him alone I've even told him that he can be put on birth certificate if he is around but no reply at all so what can I do if he is now not intrested

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Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 15/04/2017 10:18

You need to stop giving him head space. All your dd needs now is a stress free dm!! You can't force him to step up so just leave him to his immature attitude. . Enjoy your dd and let him take you to court if he wants. . Can't see it though. . Ring cms for financial help from him though.

summerfling · 15/04/2017 10:18

Your best bet would be to leave him.

It's better to have no father than a shit one.

My ex told me yesterday he doesn't want anything to do with our son.

It's difficult but it's for the best

CiderwithBuda · 15/04/2017 10:20

If he is not interested he is not interested. Do nothing.

Don't put him on birth certificate.

Don't message him again.

Concentrate on your baby and your other children.

You can't make him into a nice person and someone who would be a good father. Trying to force it will back fire on your baby. She will be the one who is hurt in the long term.

gamerchick · 15/04/2017 10:22

You need to stop using her as a weapon. He can't see her.. He can see her.... He can't be put on the birth certificate and now he can and God know what else you've said.

He's a shit and you're clearly hurting but you just can't use a baby to try and pull someone else's strings and equally he can't lay the law down on you.

Leave it for now, concentrate on recovering and your other kids. Think about later, later.

StrawberryJelly00 · 15/04/2017 10:29

Lol at everyone saying don't put him on Birth certificate but at the same time make an application for some money for maintenance??!!

Wtf you can't have it both ways, hes already saying hes not the father, so you not putting him on the birth certificate is going to reinforce that don't you think?

Leave it for a few days and focus on your baby, I would suggest writing a letter to his address with some suggested contact arrangements (keep a copy) see what response you get back.

Try your hardest to be amicable even though he might be unreasonable NOT for his benefit but for your baby.

Gingernaut · 15/04/2017 10:30

I've told him to come to mine and see her. I've messaged him all week to see if he wants contact.

The novelty's worn off. He's clearly not interested.

He now has blocked me and his best mate said that he said the baby isn't his so leave him alone.

So leave him alone. He's not interested.

I've even told him that he can be put on birth certificate if he is around, but no reply at all.

Why did you do that? He has no interest and is clearly not going to support you or your baby.

So what can I do if he is now not interested

Congratulations. You're a single parent.

Use your surname for the baby on the birth certificate. He doesn't need to be told when you're going to register the child. Don't bother with him again. He's not bothering with you.

summerfling · 15/04/2017 10:33

Congratulations. You're a single parent.

Bit harsh, no one needs reminding.

Can you blame op for trying??

She wants her DD's father involved, no one wants to do it completely alone.

user1491833472 · 15/04/2017 11:24

Gammerchick. I don't use my kids as seeping how am I doing that by wanting him to have contact

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Branleuse · 15/04/2017 11:36

youd be a fool to put him on the birth certificate. He will then have rights over where YOU can go and live. Dont do it. Hes bullying you already, it will only get worse if you let him.

summerfling · 16/04/2017 02:32

Op, don't put him on the BC.

Offer access but eventually you'll realise it's much easier if you just don't bother with him at all. I know you want him to be a father but I promise you, your life will be much less stressful without him around.

It's hard now because your baby is so young but it gets easier.

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Atenco · 16/04/2017 03:16

youd be a fool to put him on the birth certificate. He will then have rights over where YOU can go and live

This

It was similar behaviour that made me decide not to put the father of my dd on her birth certificate. But I never denied his parentage and he and our adult dd now have a great relationship.

ZaraKeyOui · 16/04/2017 04:08

Congratulations on your new dd. You can't put him on the birth certificate if he is not there in person anyway. Delaying registering delays child benefit/tax credits starting which if you are a lone parent you'll need.

Just go asap and definitely use your surname. At this point he may never be involved so your dd doesn't need his name there as a reminder of his disinterest. If in the future he gets involved and you want to - change her surname to his. But for now go with your name.

user1491833472 · 16/04/2017 11:58

Just feel really guilty if I put my name as he so wanted her in his life feels so unfair right now

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