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Should I let him know his son has arrived??

(20 Posts)
Toobloodytired Wed 05-Apr-17 18:59:48

I'm really battling with my thoughts.

Haven't spoken to ex since November (his choice, not mine) when I was 19 weeks. My baby arrives last Monday, so is now 9 days old.

Do I contact my ex to let him know or let CSA inform him??

I'm scared I won't get a reply if I do & I can't bear him rejecting our son.

SprogletsMum Wed 05-Apr-17 19:01:27

I wouldn't until baby is registered without him on the birth certificate.
I think I would have to tell him though just so that you can tell your baby in the future that you did try.

delilahbucket Wed 05-Apr-17 19:04:52

Congratulations on your new arrival. Do you want the ex on the birth certificate? If not, with regard to maintainance, he can insist on a paternity test. He would need to be present to go on it. It would also give him parental rights. He dies have a right to know, as hard as that may be for you. Unless he is likely to cause harm to the baby he is also entitled to contact. Be very wary how you proceed. It can come back to bite you at a later date.

delilahbucket Wed 05-Apr-17 19:05:43

By the way, it is far better he rejects now than when your son is 16 and looking for his dad. At the moment he will be none the wiser.

delilahbucket Wed 05-Apr-17 19:05:54

By the way, it is far better he rejects now than when your son is 16 and looking for his dad. At the moment he will be none the wiser.

Toobloodytired Wed 05-Apr-17 19:12:53

I don't want him on the BC, I'm registering my baby tomorrow morning.

I've made a claim to CSA who will inform him he's here, shall I leave it to them tell him??

I'm scared the emotional abuse will start again if I get in contact

AuntieStella Wed 05-Apr-17 19:24:48

After you have registered the baby (congratulations flowers ) I would see if there is a way to let him know about the arrival. Do you have a trusted intermediary who could tell him?

(Ideally a brother built like a brick outhouse who would text him simply with the basic news of dob. Or failing that a mutual friend with a reputation for taking no shit)

Northernlurker Wed 05-Apr-17 19:32:17

If he was abusive then no, don't tell him. The CSA can let him know of his responsibility.

Congratulations on the birth of your son.

StewieGMum Wed 05-Apr-17 19:35:45


Just let CSA inform you. They can deal with him whilst you enjoy your lovely new baby

Toobloodytired Wed 05-Apr-17 19:56:05

There's plenty of people who would play go between. I'm just worried what he'll say, how he'll say it, whether he'll call the police.

Sounds silly but when I think about contacting him, I get a bit panicky.

Northernlurker Wed 05-Apr-17 19:59:03

He can't call the police. You've had a baby not nicked his car. He has a responsibility to support his child. That's it. Children belong to those who look after them.

MrsPacMan Wed 05-Apr-17 20:02:07

Let CSA do it, and make sure you've changed your mobile since you were in contact with him, block on social media etc, if he wants to be involved in his sons life he will have to work for it.

Congrats and good luck flowers

Sassenach85 Wed 05-Apr-17 20:03:19

Is he violent? Does he have any family members that you can trust?

Toobloodytired Wed 05-Apr-17 20:22:52

He's called the police when I've made contact in the past, last time being in January when I was in hospital ill, informed him about our unborn son not me.

After that, I changed my email address, my mobile number and! My address.

I've not made contact since 15th January, I just didn't know if the news his son had arrived should come from me.

Toobloodytired Wed 05-Apr-17 20:24:23

Also to include, his family are as bad as he is, they have completely written me & my son off

QuiteLikely5 Wed 05-Apr-17 20:36:49

I wouldn't bother. If he was worth anything to your child he would have shown that way before now.

Him changing would be a near miracle and they are very rare

KarmaNoMore Wed 05-Apr-17 20:45:23

Don't even think about it. I'm sure you would prefer to spend the first months relaxed and enjoying your baby instead of being worried sick trying to guess what nasty thing, he or his family, is going to bring to you.

I will keep the things as you planned, do not contact him (you know it is better not to) and let the CSA do the talking.

Don't stress about putting him in the birth certificates or not. If he wants to be in it there is not much you can do to prevent that. Any court will authorise a DNA test if he requests it. It is no longer like in the olden times.

Northernlurker Wed 05-Apr-17 20:52:24

Bluntly he sounds like a twat. Take the money to support your son if you can get it but otherwise don't give him headspace.

Toobloodytired Wed 05-Apr-17 21:38:42

Yeah I think what you are saying is the best idea.

He's not checked to see if his son has arrived, if he's okay, nothing.

I've told CSA if he wants a DNA test then he's more than welcome to request one, I've nothing to hide.

If he'd like to be on the BC then he can take the matter to court.

I personally don't think he'll be in contact for access once he knows he's definitely here, he wouldn't risk his new relationship.

Toobloodytired Fri 07-Apr-17 16:43:04

So I registered my baby yesterday WITHOUT my ex there.

The wanker isn't on it! grin

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