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Loneliness does it get any easier

(16 Posts)
Decentguy Thu 30-Mar-17 11:58:09

I am a single parent father, close on 4 yrs plus now, i have 3 children , 2 off which i look after full time , i do everything , schools, medicals trips, welfare ,shopping has also working within school hours, Mother sees them evey fortnight on a weekend, The loss of a daughter which even though Was 16 yrs ago ,never really got over ,received no bereavement counseling has a couple back then.
My issue is how to deal with my ex when co parenting , i try to be amicable which works at most part untill she sends confusing flirting messages,me misreading texts utter frustration being sent by her during the fortnight away from her children? i have blocked these on occasions has i have tried to move on before, has i am aware that these messages were mentally damaging my good nature and my health was suffering through this
It, seems i cant get out of this cycle of mixed messages,i supposed i was clinging on to a little hope that maybe we could possibly get back together one day?
More fool me, i still have feelings for her even after all this time , children pickups and drops offs are becoming no easier for me at all,she is now with someone else , has been for a few years on and off,and has no issues has i do ,even though we were 18 yrs together she appears to have or show liitle effection for me left.
I need to get off the constant treadmill with seeing her, but becuase we have children together i simply dont know what do about it?

Rosywood Thu 30-Mar-17 16:49:23

Not sure if loneliness gets any easier, hope it does tho 😀 your situation sounds quite difficult, but it sounds like your doing a fantastic job raising your children. Just ignore the messages, only message/phone regarding the kids if necessary. If you ignore the msgs, hopefully she will stop. You need to try and move on x

Decentguy Thu 30-Mar-17 18:23:52

Thankyou rosywood,
Really appreciate your comment and advice ,
i like to think i am doing a good job after all these years but dont hear from anyone really apart from the school and the Air cadets which my son goes to twice a week,
i feel i just need to find the time to meet someone worthy again in my lifeand i am sure i will be able to get back to my old self and put all this ex business behind me and move on , just when i am making progress she seems to knock me of my stride again and back square one i go again.
Parenting is tough agreed, but i wouldn't change it for the world.
The children are my world!

Rosywood Thu 30-Mar-17 18:52:03

Good to hear your children are your world, keep doing what your doing, and just don't interact with your ex unless necessary. You will be ok I'm sure and in time you will definitely meet someone worthy of your love, try and get out with friends when you can, I know it's hard. I get hardly any child free time, but I keep telling myself things will get easier, and like you my kids mean the world to me, also we are the lucky ones having our kids with us, the other parent is missing out on so much. Keep smiling x

Venchi Thu 30-Mar-17 19:00:37

I'm in similar shoes. I have my children 100% of the time. Their dad swans in for an afternoon a few times a year but that doesn't allow me any freedom. It's really hard to have a relationship with somebody else when you have no freedom. I find potential boyfriends swear blind they're made of sterner stuff than the last man they have half heard about who bailed when he fully comprehended how my lack of freedom would impact upon a relationship, and in the ''honeymoon period'' they persuade me to trust them. Then they say they've been thinking and they want to go to Amsterdam/Ennis/Lisbon, an antiques market, a hike up a mountain. And I can't go, and so, well, cheerio.

So I get it. Believe me. My situation won't change but can yours? Your x doesn't have the children, at all? That leaves you with NO freedom?! That is so tough. My x lives abroad, hence this won't change. But can you get your x to commit to taking the children for 36 hours once a week to give you space and freedom to pursue interests and maybe go on a date? Or catch up with friends?

Anything is possible if you have the freedom to create a new life I think.

Venchi Thu 30-Mar-17 19:04:12

ps, wrt your x, just know in your head it's over, for many reasons at all but most relevant right now, you don't want to be left deciphering text messages.

Repeat Amy Young's mantra

"mixed messages are not my thing"

Mixed messages are shit. Figuring out what people really want is shit. If you have to spend hours figuring out what her agenda is, what she wants, what options she's keeping open then know that that is not good for you. You might have feelings for you but it's over. So draw a line under it and do not get drawn in to any conversation that doesn't involve the children.

Please persuade her to commit to taking the children some of the time on a regular basis! I wish I could do this!

Rosywood Thu 30-Mar-17 19:26:19

I agree it's impossible for any kind of relationship, and totally unfair, but I console myself with the fact that they are the ones missing out, and one day they will look back with deep rooted regrets x

Decentguy Thu 30-Mar-17 22:44:51

Rosywood , i agree that i will have accept that fact there is very little time to have a relationship at present and also i think like you,
she is missing it out on there daily upbringing, and may have regrets later in life?

Decentguy Thu 30-Mar-17 22:52:00

Venchi , thankyou for your kind reply
, i do often have to figure out decipher many of her messages , what does she want , why ask this? Why did she send that photo of us together why is she looking back over our past?Etc

I will use that mantra most definetly,
she does have the children over a weekend every fortnight so i try and go out with my friends when i can but its not often financially restricted sometimes

Decentguy Fri 31-Mar-17 09:07:27

I also do hope you manage to find some free time to socialise and find what you are looking for and deserve

Rosywood Fri 31-Mar-17 10:09:37

Hey, thanx, we will I'm sure . It's hard when u feel lonley, iv been lonely and then txt my ex and then really regretted it, It's not a good thing to do lol. guess we should surround ourselves with good friends and family, I'm trying to make new friends but it's hard when you don't get out much, but anyway we will be ok x

Decentguy Fri 31-Mar-17 14:01:55

I know what you mean i try at all costs not reply to texts about us and not the children , but i have moments i falter and do so and regret it after, where are you located in uk?

Rosywood Fri 31-Mar-17 14:39:59

Hey, iv just sent u a PM

BellaRed1 Fri 31-Mar-17 21:20:15

Absolutely it does get easier!

As you kids grow and begin school you start to get more me time and you could perhaps once or twice a week do something where there would be others involved. Sports, gardening club , whatever suits.

As they get older still you can then perhaps go out midweek in the evenings if you trust them to be at home alone ( I'm talking teenage age and beyond)

I have grown to be very content in my own company and often prefer it to socialising now.

Decentguy Fri 31-Mar-17 21:39:48

Thankyo bellared1, my children are now early teens now, looked after them for 4 yrs now and yes they can be trussed for a short while , the children aren't my issue , it's the ex really

BellaRed1 Fri 31-Mar-17 22:42:23

i would agree with Venchi. No flirting no mixed messages, no second guessing kind of stuff. Keep any communication to child contact arrangements and any issues to do with the children only. Civility should be the order of the day.

Time is a wonderful healer and one day, perhaps without realising it at first, you may feel indifferent towards her and when this happens moving on with your life will be much much easier and pick ups/drop offs will also become less hard.

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