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Husband doesn't love me

(6 Posts)
user1490222785 Wed 22-Mar-17 23:05:19

Hi all, just after some words of encouragement really.
4 weeks ago my husband told me he doesn't love me anymore and despite me saying I'll change my ways he has said that he can't go back. He's not a bad person at all and a great Dad (makes this so much worse!) He says that over the years my nagging and lack of affection hasn't made him feel good about himself. He says that he's tried for years and has now given up. We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I'm devastated although better than I was 4 weeks ago. I have never realised the severity of
Our problems until now (this frustrates him) and now I realise it's as if there is no hope. He hasn't left the home yet as he says he wants to make baby steps to ensure he doesn't make a huge mistake but at the same time his words and actions show that he has checked out. Part of me wishes I could just tell him to leave but whilst there's a tiny bit of hope I can't do that. Whilst I accept my wrong doing over the years I also get angry sometimes at the thought of him giving up when our youngest is just 1 - he says he can't stay being unhappy (I get that) but surely another year wouldn't hurt, it's not as if I'm abusive. I don't want my children from a broken home, I want the chance to exhaust all avenues before giving up. TIA X

jeaux90 Wed 22-Mar-17 23:46:48

Broken home? Seriously OP I'm not sure a lot of lone parents would call their homes broken.

I know I don't.

It sounds like it's run its course to me. Can you work out how to split amicably and co-parent well?

user1490222785 Thu 23-Mar-17 11:03:21

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to offend. Of course in an ideal world the split will be amicable and we could co-parent well - I hope that will happen. I'm just devastated at the moment and my future as I saw it has come crashing down. These things happen I know but still it's hard when the decision isn't mutual. Maybe when he does actually leave I'll start to feel better, living in limbo at the moment. We are still friends at the moment, and hug each other a few times a day - almost helping each other through it. Maybe when we actually cut off it'll give me closure.

TheElephantofSurprise Thu 23-Mar-17 11:07:11

First thing, stop accepting his account of how this has gone. You aren't a failure/nag/whatever. He's a man who wants out, as so many of them do.
Another year? He's probably in a hurry to get to his other woman.
Stop hugging the fecker and get some legal advice.

KarmaNoMore Fri 24-Mar-17 01:07:59

Women nag when they are not listened to. Nice of him to blame you but was he a good team player at home? Once the shock wears off you may be as surprised as most of us divorced/separated women are, to find ourselves far more happier in our own than in a relationship that has run its course.

If he has checked out, best thing to do is for him to move out ASAP. Staying for longer will only make things more painful for you, possible frustrating for him and more difficult for the children. They will be able to feel the tension between you two.

There is a book that helped us greatly in those early stages. It is called Putting Children First, a manual for separated parents. You can get it from Amazon. It has lots of fantastic tips from how to tell the children to how to ensure you present a united front when parenting separately.

And by the way. Stop using the term broken home. It is not broken, probably in a few months, you will be referring to your house as a happy home rather than that.

Considering you are telling us your husband felt you were nagging him too much... well, IME it takes a lot of time, effort and frustration to nag. Once you have to do the things yourself they become a doodle.

2 weeks after exH moved out the house was cleaner, the bed time routine was a doodle, we were eating better, doing more homework and I was having lots of me time after DS was in bed at 7. I remember sitting at the sofa at 9 pm in shock not to have more chores to do.

user1490222785 Mon 27-Mar-17 07:37:13

Thanks for your messages. He's gone into the spare room now - set it up yesterday and told him it was ready. Felt so hurt yesterday - did not even bother giving me a Mother's Day card from the children, I know he's bought one so no idea why he didn't give it. He's always said he's not w thoughtful person but it's from the children not him! As long as he never does anything hurtful to the children I will always get him a Father's Day card and thank him. He said again yesterday how I've not made him feel good about himself and he now needs to put himself first and be happy. I think he's playing the victim a little - yes, I've not appreciated him enough over he years but I think he's going a bit far. Think I've been feeling guilty and that's why I've not been able to be angry with him, if he leaves and tells his mum etc what he's said to me then they'll think I'm a monster. Getting stronger now though and my blaming myself totally. Thanks again X

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