Xh not seeing dc this weekend again

(14 Posts)
Despairbunny Mon 20-Mar-17 16:28:01

Backstory: Two DC aged 8 & 10. Ds (10) & dd (8). Xh & I been separated since 2010 (when dd was 18m). No formal court order in place, we've always tried to keep things amicable & in the grand scheme of things he's kind of an okay dad. He lives the other side of London, so contact is limited to every other weekend, they go to his (parents) house. He also pays the mortgage on our house as his maintenance.

So this year, he's been asking me to swap weekends (which he knows I can't do because of work commitments), so I end up just having them for "his" weekend. I don't mind, per se, I'd rather have them home than stuck on the M25 for hours on end, but the kids were disappointed to start with.

Well, anyway, he's just messaged me to say he "can't" have them this weekend, I've told them & ds said "That's fine, I don't wanna go anymore anyway."

Don't really know what to say to this. I always knew there'd come a day when they'd rather stay home/go out with their friends, than go to their dad's...I just didn't think it would be so soon.

Should I have been more forceful & told xh he has to have the kids? I don't want them to feel like they're a burden on their dad iyswim. hmm

Despairbunny Mon 20-Mar-17 19:55:41

Cheeky bump for the evening crowd?

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:03:11

When i was separated my dh once said he couldnt have the children that friday as he was goin out. I asked who he had arranged to babysit the children? He spluttered, said he'd ask his mum and never pulled that crap again.

I know youre well past that, and yours are a bit older and know what they want and dont want. Could you maybe tell your ex the children have said they dont want to go as they clearly feel like an inconvienience and as they are getting older he might want to think about how he drops them so quickly and what that says to them?

The other issue i wondered about was why hebis paying the mortgage? Why doesnt he pay you and you pay the mortgage?

Despairbunny Mon 20-Mar-17 20:14:44

Re: the mortgage. I don't know, really. The house I live in now (with the dc) was the house xh & I shared. When we separated I suggested selling it & using the money to buy two, smaller places in a cheaper area but he wouldn't hear of it. (But that's a whole other thread)

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 Mon 20-Mar-17 20:36:46

So what happens when the children turn 18? Will you have to sell up and split rhe coat then?

phoenixtherabbit Mon 20-Mar-17 20:44:53

Hmmm, this is a hard one and not dissimilar to my own situation.

My ss mum is supposes to see him twice a week, but prefers going out and cancels on him a lot. Has sent him home early evening several times because she 'cannot cope' with his behaviour.

I don't think, if ss turned round and said he didn't want to go, that we would make him. And we cannot force his mother to have him if she's not there or she 'can't cope'.

Could you swap the arrangement so thus maybe see him and go out for tea, or shorter visits? I appreciate that means you will get less time for yourself which is not always ideal, but I don't think I'd be happy sending the kids known they would rather be with me.

Hope you manage to work it out, it's a bloody minefield isn't it.

Despairbunny Mon 20-Mar-17 20:45:47

I don't know. Legally, I know he doesn't have to pay past the kids being 18, chances are the mortgage will be 85% paid by then anyway. However, in the area we live in, the chances of the dc leaving home at 18 (other than to go to uni) are extremely slim.

Also - & this is a bit grim - he is an only child who stands to inherit quite a large lump sum once my ex-IL's pass away. When we discussed it last (admittedly about five years ago) he said that once his parents die he plans to write off this house. But it's all very informal.

Despairbunny Mon 20-Mar-17 20:46:47

phoenix Xh lives an hour's drive away, so popping out for tea isn't really an option.

phoenixtherabbit Mon 20-Mar-17 20:48:18

Hmm. Sounds silly but have you told him what the kids think?

Despairbunny Mon 20-Mar-17 20:50:18

It doesn't sound silly at all. I actually did a little sigh when I read your comment because I know that's what I need to do.

Also have told the dc that their dad has had to work. I make a lot of excuses for that man.

Zampa Mon 20-Mar-17 20:51:18

What are the reasons for him not seeing the children?

Has he explained?

Despairbunny Mon 20-Mar-17 20:53:08

He hasn't given a specific reason. A lot of vague flannel about how he's always happy to swap <eye roll>

I suspect it is because he is going out.

phoenixtherabbit Mon 20-Mar-17 20:57:19

Yes us too. Don't really like lying but sometimes it's kinder to say a little white lie rather than 'your mum can't have you because she's going out.. Again' or the worst excuse to date 'I have nothing to say to him'

But then you do feel like well why should I bloody lie for you but I'm the same breath you can't hurt your own child's feelings can you.

Emeralda Thu 23-Mar-17 07:46:55

That's a shame for the kids. I wonder if DS is trying v protect himself from the disappointment of not seeing his Dad. You seem to have a reasonably amicable relationship with xh so I'd suggest you talk to him - this current arrangement isn't really working for the DC as they are not getting to see him, they are disappointed by that and it has potential consequences for their relationship with him. Does he have any better suggestions? I think a chat with the DC might be a good idea too, so you can manage their expectations and find out how they feel about things.
Speaking of expectations, have you had independent legal advice about what xh might be entitled to in future by paying the mortgage? I'm just concerned that what he might be entitled to might not match with your or his expectations. What if his or his parent's circumstances change and he wants money back from the house? What if you want to move? What if you meet someone new? You don't have to talk to him about it or change the arrangement, but a bit of legal advice might be useful. Whose name is on the deeds? Is he planning to give the house to you or the kids when the mortgage is paid off? I know this wasn't the point of your post - sorry!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now