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Time to leave?

(6 Posts)
unicornsdream Thu 16-Mar-17 19:34:06

I have been with my husband 11 years and married for 7, we have a beautiful 14 month and I have recently found out im pregnant with my second child despite taking precautions. Our marriage has been rocky for a few years. Due to his occupation we move location every few years and he is often away for periods of time. As well as the work pressures i almost lost him a few years ago due to Ill health. However this is all minor compared to his family being a third wheel in our relationship. He admits they have never been a normal family but it impacts on us- they travel 3 hours and turn up unannounced expecting to stay including at the birth of our first child (regardless of my wishes), they have intimidated me in my own home, threatened me in public (thankfully security have been called several times), constant digs and put downs, sent wedding invites without telling or consulting me, incredibly intense and overpowering, like to tell me he's there son even at 42 and nothing will ever take him away from them (im not the one giving ultimatum infact a few years ago I encouraged him to fix a rift that had developed due to their attitude to him), threatened my family..... the list is endless. Yet my husband cannot see it, he phones them for at least an hour every night and ignores his child, despite having very little in common with them. Recently they have had him sign an agreement that when they pass his inheritance is not to used on anything that to do with me.... our home, holiday, cars- anything. Instead he must buy our daughter property and take the rental income for his own pension..... I don't want anything to do with their wealth as I know how they came about it but this just reinforced that they are trying to drive a wedge but yet my husband let's them. They tell me to jump my husband asked how high and expects me to conform. I genuinely live in fear of opening the door or the phone ringing and it being them. I can not portray in words how manipulating and cold my inlaws are and this description does not even touch what they have done to establish this fear I have of them. Yet others have witnessed the jekyll and Hyde attitude to me with and without my husband present.

My husband and I have argued for a while about them as they can do no wrong in his eyes, even with this latest revelation he cannot see its not normal behaviour for people who swear to him they 'approve' of me. But it's clear he has acceptance issues with them and is always trying to prove he's worthy to them. I am a self earning women and have been told I need to secure my own future for later years now by my husband despite the fact i pay for myself and my daughter out of my own part time salary already despite him being on 3 times my wage. I have never taken money offf him yet its a safwty net incase im struggling. This set up is no longer a marriage however as I feel like a commodity. We have grown apart and they have driven a massive concrete wedge between us through time. I suppose what I'm getting at is im only staying for my children.
If we split there will be 5 hours travelling between us so they won't see their father that often, school holidays and seasonal holidays they may begrudge due to travelling to see him. But I know they would be better off if i left him as they would have a mother who is finally happy and relaxed and a home enviornmwnt that wasn't tense. My husbands a good man but the love has been gone for a while and his mannerisms are now starting to mimic his parents. I know it's time to go but i'l eventually have 2 under 2 and im petrified of if i will cope. He has said on many occasions when he has walked out and said it's done that he would buy me a house as my settlement so living arrangements im not worried of, but I am if my children will begrudge me for it. How i will cope financially on my own salary without my children going without and how others will look at me. My confidence is in tatters now and people judging me as a pregnant newly single woman does scare me. I suppose im asking do I stay for the kids? or do I leave? Sorry for the rambling I'm so confused.

Louw12345 Fri 17-Mar-17 23:47:07

You do what's right for you your children will understand when they are old enough.

I was with my ex for 12 (5kids) I knew we wasn't good together for years but I was made to feel like I couldn't do it alone. His family was always on his side even when he stopped seeing his children.
The brake up was hard eventho I knew it's what I wanted after 6 months I started to feel back to my normal self b4 I met him.

It hit the children hard coz he was seeing them then stopped but as their mum we all got on with it together.

Do you have family or any other support?

A happy mum = happy children dont teach them to just settle

Good luck

unicornsdream Sat 18-Mar-17 12:58:00

My family are supportive but over 5 hours away at present so I have little to no help with little one at present as hes very hands off.... hes looking forward to the 14 month being older I feel. He is a good man and that's what makes it so hard but he's threatened to walk out so many times I had never considered until it became clear our marriage is a disposable asset to him compared to his parents. Ee have discussed the end result of parting so many times we both are clear how it would 'work' hyperthetically. I would never give him an ultimatum or ask him to choose, as I see it there is no choice it shouldn't be a case of them or us but that's the scenerio created and I feel parting as amicably as we can for the children would be best. He looks so lost in himself and it's clear he's very unhappy, it's definitely a case of neither one of us wants to be the one to say 'that's it'. That's the hardest part im trying to put the child (ren) first but I do care for my husband and don't want to hurt him, but apparently me being hurt and bullied doesn't matter to him. Oh if only we all had a crystal ball to the future to know what happens and if it works out ok, then maybe this decision would be significantly easier! It's definitely become a case of when rather than if i now feeling.

jeaux90 Sun 19-Mar-17 08:49:22

Being a lone parent is easier than being in an abusive situation. It's the peace and freedom , it's truly over whelming.

Yes it's hard but do you think you could go where you have a bit more support? Do you think he would be in agreement for you to move nearer your parents?

It's your life and I feel like he and that family are living it for you x

Louw12345 Sun 19-Mar-17 12:00:14

He threatened to walk out so many times this is controling behaviour.

If the option for support is 5 hours away move back there, he can have weekend access with hos children.

What seems to have happened is you have put your husbands feeling before your own.

If you carry on like this what will it be like in 5 or 10 years time?

How do you think your children will be affected with how his family treat you?

Children are very clever they pick up on feelings and emotions they just don't understand them untill they are older or go through the same thing.

They will pick up on how you feel uneasy around his family which will make them question them.

Do you want the kids to have a relationship with his family?

I think you need to have a good think and have a chat with your husband. Don't say your family this and that say I'm no longer happy we have lost what we was and I'm struggling to find it again. We was once a team and worked together now I feel we don't. Ect

unicornsdream Fri 24-Mar-17 19:01:56

Your first sentence hit a nerve I had never thought of it like I was being controlled. It's what his parents do to him and us so it was like you opened my eyes.

I have spoke to him, he's currently upstairs sat on the bed, having made my feelings feel insignificant, but now I feel a horrible person as he keeps saying he's trying g so hard..... perhaps I am the one trying to find an excuse to leave? perhaps I am being stupid with how I feel about different situations.... or maybe iv been made to feel like I'm the one to blame. Oh i have no idea what's going on, if I'm throwing this away or if I'm being made to feel like it's all my fault. I give up, is this how life is meant to be?

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