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Struggling to accept DD's 'Father & Grandparents' don't want anything to do with DD

(29 Posts)
NotaSnowflake Tue 28-Feb-17 15:16:14

I just can't find any way of accepting it in my mind.
There's a huuuuuuge back story of horrible events (mostly by DD's 'Father') that I can't even bring myself to type, but it involves him not being suitable for unsupervised Contact. No court order. No SS (as long as he doesn't have unsupervised contact). He then got a girlfriend and since then he hasn't seen her once. In over a year. And neither have his parents. Although they (his parents) did keep in touch via phone & Skype. Until about 7/8 weeks ago. Then all of a sudden - nothing. Not heard from them since.
I offered him a Contact centre several times but nope. It appears that because he only has 1.5 days off a week, that he would prefer to spend that time off with his girlfriend rather than drive the 70 miles to rebuild a relationship with his daughter! Either that or he is being manipulated & controlled by his girlfriend. Either way, he is still making the ultimate choice and it has absolutely DESTROYED my heart.
Of course I will never forgive him for what he's done, especially to DD. But to see my child be rejected like this, even by a twat like him, still breaks my heart. She adored him. And he seemed to adore her! They would both crawl around the house after each other. He giggled like a girl at all the funny things she did. And was fiercely protective over her.
He also very very hands on. Would have done every little bit of the hard work if I'd let him. He was so happy when he was around her. And me. Said it was the happiest time of his life when she was born and I believed him. (I still do...)
But then something just suddenly changed. He became aggressive, scary and controlling. Police were called numerous times. He just changed completely. And now it's been a year since he last laid eyes on her and I'm still crying myself to sleep over it.
Despite all he's done, for some twisted reason I still love him??? What is that about? I'm punishing myself. Torturing myself. Imagining him with her. Every time I see a sex scene on tv - it's him & his horrible girlfriend. Every time a happy memory of us flashes through my mind, I'm suddenly convinced that's what he's doing with her now. The woman he was secretly seeing for weeks whilst we were planning to rebuild our little family & try again. The horrible bitch that stole my child's daddy.....

Already tried every single AD my GP is able to prescribe and had a referral to IAPT & MHS but got nowhere. I just can't stop crying. All day every day. For the last year and for God knows how much longer... sadsadsad

NotaSnowflake Tue 28-Feb-17 15:20:24

Every day my DD saunters round the house saying "Daddy? Daddy where are you?" Has done each day since he left... I don't ever mention the 'D' word to her. (Not until he one day decides to play a consistent part in her life. Then I'll talk about him as much as possible). So she's not just repeating what she hears. She misses him so so much and it's killing me. Literally...sad

NotaSnowflake Tue 28-Feb-17 15:23:58

And no, I wouldn't ever get back together with him (unless he got some serious help and changed more than I could imagine) but I just cannot help feeling like this. Am I mentally ill??? sad

BlackeyedSusan Tue 28-Feb-17 17:43:02

honestly, I know you can not see it now but it might be better that he does not see her.

it is a shame that he is not the good parent that every child deserves, but even if he did see her would he be that good parent? probably not.

and it takes time to get over someone. even when they are a complete nightmare. it will get better.

user1487854472 Tue 28-Feb-17 18:37:26

I'm so sorry you're feeling that way. I am in a very similar position, except my daughter is only 8 months old and there's no other woman (that I'm yet aware of). He was a fantastic husband, was so excited about our baby, but when she arrived he was a completely new person.

It heartbreaking as it's not just you being let down, but also your daughter. So it feels like double to heartbreak.

Like pp said, you're both better off without him in your lives. You can move on, enjoy your daughter and see what happens in the future. Wishing you all the best xx

Starlight2345 Tue 28-Feb-17 18:42:35

How old is your DD? I would guess she is now feeding off your response because children do move on quite quickly. Accept things.

Do you contact him? if so you need to stop any contact.

My DS hasn't seen his dad since he was 3 and he is now 9 that doesn't mean issues never pop up. His dad wasn't allowed to see him unsupervised. He has been told I don't know why your dad doesn't want to see you. I couldn't bare not to see you ( this is so he doesn't think another parent will abandon him) . As he has got older he is aware if his dad wanted to see him he would have to take me to court to make sure it was safe and the right thing for him .

You both need to focus on the positives.Are there photo's around? put them away. get out to groups if pre school age, park in wellies, swimming anything to get you both enjoying life.

Also do not blame g/friend..He has made this choice. If someone told me see me or my child I would be waving them bye bye.

NotaSnowflake Wed 01-Mar-17 23:43:11

Thanks to you all.

User148 feel free to PM me?? X

NotaSnowflake Wed 01-Mar-17 23:50:32

Starlight - I have many issues with her. She has said some nasty, nasty things about my daughter. Posting on Facebook about what a mistake 'that brat was' (my child!) etc etc. She knew exactly what she was doing. My ex is Aspergic and very easily led. Not an excuse for his actions, just highlights how disgracefully she has acted. Broke my heart. In fact I stupidly ended up overdosing when I saw that on Facebook. (Not gonna happen again, don't worry). I hate her. And I WILL get her for this. If I have to go to the moon & back!!!

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork Thu 02-Mar-17 00:04:38

And I WILL get her for this. If I have to go to the moon & back!!!

I hope thats a joke, because otherwise you've seriously lost it. Time to focus on your child and stop indulging these fantasies.

NotaSnowflake Thu 02-Mar-17 00:26:05

It's not a joke. Sounds more exaggerated than I meant it to but I will get her back for what she's done to my child! One way or another...There's no 'lost it' about anything!
They're 70 miles away. I can't even have it out with her about it, not that I want to lay eyes on her. I'm just biding my time. It's just the way I work. Screw me (or my child) over and one day, I'll speed karma right up. I've always been like that x

NotaSnowflake Thu 02-Mar-17 00:26:41

Isn't it a similar principle to the criminal justice system??

BlueDaBaDee Thu 02-Mar-17 01:03:09

😟 try and put it behind you. Don't waste your energy on hate. Concentrate on living a lovely life with your little DD

FellOutOfBed2wice Thu 02-Mar-17 01:11:22

I can't remember where I read this but something along the lines of "hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". You're only hurting yourself.

And if you should hate anyone it's your ex. He's her Dad. No excuse for abandoning his daughter whatever the gf is like. You're focussing your energy in the wrong place.

Lilac2727 Thu 02-Mar-17 01:12:38

How old is your dd? Just wondering how much of it she understands.

Iflyaway Thu 02-Mar-17 01:17:57

I'm a single mum. Admittedly he's an adult now, my son.

I got fucked over too but the thing is. you need to make you and your DC your family now .It's the only way.

Forget about them. Write it all down and burn it or tear it up and chuck it if necessary.

You and your DC are nr. 1 now.

You will never get closure from him so you have to let it go. You owe that to DC for a better life for you both.

Wishing you both all the best in life.

Rainbowqueeen Thu 02-Mar-17 01:38:26

Honestly it doesn't sound like he is a suitable person to have contact with your DD. he may have been a great dad once but it doesn't sound like he is now.

I agree that you need to forget about him. I doubt very much that he can ever provide your daughter with what she needs and deserves. Focus on you and her building a life together and being the strong stable parent that she needs.
Distract her when she talks about him. Over time she will forget.

I wish you both all the best

NotaSnowflake Thu 02-Mar-17 01:49:07

Lilac She has just turned 2 x

NotaSnowflake Thu 02-Mar-17 01:52:35

Easier said than done though! That's my reason for posting this thread. I just CANNOT no matter how hard I try I just cannot get over him 😢 I'm torturing myself and I don't know what to do 😢 I've tried and I mean REALLY tried to start dating again but aside from being really undesirable so not getting anywhere, those that have shown interest, I just don't seem to have any drive in me to show an interest. Even if I think they're lovely, and would otherwise date them. It's killing me. In the most literal sense of the word...sad

ShotsFired Thu 02-Mar-17 02:05:11

There's a saying about those seeking revenge needing to dig two graves.

This (anger thing about the new gf) will consume you if you let it OP. Nobody is asking you to be all sunshine and flowers with it. But it's taking up too much of you now. You need to let it down a few notches.

Rainbowqueeen Thu 02-Mar-17 02:10:59

Counselling???

NotaSnowflake Thu 02-Mar-17 02:15:13

Oh I'll be first one in a grave, I don't doubt it. From stress & heartbreak alone, if nothing else.
Begged for counselling but it's not available on NUS in my area unfortunately

NotaSnowflake Thu 02-Mar-17 02:15:27

*NHS

NotaSnowflake Thu 02-Mar-17 02:20:00

If he hadn't done the things he'd done to our daughter and he actually played a decent part in her life, I would have taken an entirely different approach if you know what I mean. But I never had that chance. Had to sit here, 70 miles away and fester on it. For a year. With occasional random abusive calls/emails from him etc. It's fermented within me and I just haven't been able to let it go. They've destroyed mine & my daughter's lives. Now I'm so depressed I honestly think I'm beyond repair. All I do is cry all day every day....

Karmaisabitch Thu 02-Mar-17 19:30:09

Op I know exactly how you feel.

Although my baby won't be here for another 5 weeks yet.

My ex wanted this baby, he was over the moon and cried at the first scan, told me how much of a great father he'll be, we made so many plans! He was so so excited & then he fucked off out of my life to the OW.

It breaks my heart everyday that him nor his family want ANYTHING to do with our son, the son he so desperately wanted.

I try each day to accept that it'll just be me and my son however it still hurts to know his father doesn't want to know at all, he's started a new life with her!

I know exactly how you feel op, I also know the hate you are feeling for them both, I'm similar in the fact he'll get his karma one day & I will make damn sure I'm there to see it.

Keep your chin up hunny! You ever want a rant, just pm me, I'm here to listen. flowers

Wolpertinger Thu 02-Mar-17 21:18:06

I'm not sure that NHS counselling is what you really need. What stands out from your post is how much you regret the loss of a man who was a complete bastard to you and is an incompetent parent.

I'd suggest contacting Women's Aid and thinking about doing the Freedom programme or seeking counselling from them.

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