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Advice needed

(12 Posts)
Wiltshirewanderer1 Tue 21-Feb-17 19:54:39

Hi everyone. So I'm 40, I had a holiday fling with a 21 year old (cougar moment I know!) and then fell pregnant. I'm currently 27 weeks. I live in the south, he loves in the north. I told him about the baby and he is talking about moving down south to be closer. It now turns out his mother is an ex heroin addict and smokes weed, his father is a an addict and his mum's new partner is a cocaine user. The father of my child has never used but has smoked weed and taken cocaine (he was dishonourable discharged from army first drug use) he has just emailed to say he wants to have the baby nye to take to a family wedding. It's made me feel physically sick at the thought as she will be 6months old. I am thinking of going for full custody.... is this possible?

notabee Tue 21-Feb-17 20:03:34

That's a really tough one.
Other than the occasional past drug use, the father hasn't done anything wrong and seems to actually be stepping up to being involved in your babies life.
That all said I'd be running a million miles in the other direction!
I guess you've already told him about being pg so therefore you have invited him to believe he'll be a dad.
Maybe get some advice from the CAB.

Wiltshirewanderer1 Tue 21-Feb-17 20:17:51

Thanks for replying. I kind of know I'm having a knee jerk reaction. Yes I told him but in honesty wish I hadn't but I can't change that. The midwife said that if we were together (which we are not) and we were to be living with his mum (as he does) then the baby would be on a at risk register which completely freaked me out. I'm not sure If this would also be the case if he wanted to take the baby to visit his family. Urgh.

Starlight2345 Tue 21-Feb-17 20:28:07

I would tell him you are unable to commit at this time. Baby does not need confirming as won't require a meal.

I am assuming you don't want a relationship with this guy..So see what sort of a dad he is when DC is born.

You can't stop contact based on who his parents are.

notabee Tue 21-Feb-17 20:28:16

Ok so you've already told him, you need to figure out what you want and then see if you can get it.
If you really believe there's a real risk to the baby then you may have grounds to stop contact begins it happens. Since he's so young I'm guessing he lives with one of his parents? Therefore there would be a risk if baby were staying there for a visit?
Can he support himself if he moved further south?

Wiltshirewanderer1 Tue 21-Feb-17 20:36:56

Yes he currently lives with his mum who's the ex addict. He is talking about moving down south (he is most annoyed I won't be letting him live with me) but I don't think has a clue on how expensive it is. I haven't asked him for any money. I shall make a CAB appointment pronto.

Wiltshirewanderer1 Tue 21-Feb-17 20:39:36

So yes I would never allow him to have the baby at his house and I don't see how he will be able to support himself.

notabee Tue 21-Feb-17 20:41:17

Out of interest, how well do you know him and does he know where you live? I'm just wondering how he'd react if you knew you didn't want contact (as long as you're sure there's good reason, unfortunately being very young isn't one).
Good luck at the CAB flowers

Wiltshirewanderer1 Tue 21-Feb-17 20:46:07

Thank you for your rational advice. smile Yes he knows where I live and it seems like I don't know him very well at all. I thought I was doing the right thing telling him initially but as time goes on I regret it more and more the more I learn about him. Have a nice evening x

notabee Tue 21-Feb-17 20:51:28

You too. Try and get some rest and maybe make some notes on the facts tomorrow. Whilst they were helpful I found the CAB quite daunting and forgot loads! Different situation though. Sleep well x

Wiltshirewanderer1 Thu 23-Feb-17 20:23:17

Hi. The CAB were fab. Really helpfull and now I feel so much calmer. The only crap thing is I put my ex directory landline on the form and have had ppi and bloody claim calls all afternoon. First world problem's. Take care.

notabee Sun 26-Feb-17 17:17:34

It's really good that they were helpful. Hope you've decided what to do.
Are you sure the calls came via them? I though it was all confidential etc.

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