18yr Daughter in love and travelling to see boyfriend. IABU to be prudent?

[MrsOtisRegrets]

MrsOtisRegrets

My DD is different now 18yrs in love with a bf 23yrs Parisian. I've handled all teenage tantrums well previously put this time I am running out of advise on getting her to be more responsible.

I am quite scared actually to get 'in the way of love' but I am shaking her up here and there and esp. in terms of the intimacy part blush I feel my advice is completely useless (she is more at risk for being a girl, uni studies may suffer plus std's etc).

I did said to her I do not mind this guy coming to UK to to see her (since they met here at the festival anyway)! Bf will do this bit if he really loves her; and he did but now she somehow feels she has to constantly go now x3 since Dec) - my concern is she is in 1st yr Uni but travelling to EU often now - something we can't really afford. It is difficult for me e.g to see her waste the money she could use on learning to drive.

I've shown my disagreement esp about the *travel and I took her passport away yesterday for which she begged and cried so much: I gave pp back today but I told her I 'may' call home office so she shouldn't travel. I've offered to pay all her losses this time only but said thickly that her travelling away to see a boyfriend is out of discussion, AIBU?

*She has already arranged to travel again and seriously I can't think of a way to handle this rather than cancelling her passport but I am not sure to go with it.

Is there any advice you can give me or AIBU or how can I handle this? Please help!! I know 18yrs have rights as adult but tbh I feel my DD isn't being sensible this time, sadly she have more at stake to loose than her bf.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Back off! You have no right to take her passport. How do you propose to "cancel her passport" without lying to the authorities?

[Wishiwasmoiradingle2017]

As an adult she really doesn't need your permission to live her life as an adult. . Or are you an controlling, bullying parent?

[OnHold]

She's 18. You can't cancel her passport. You need to back right off.

[wobblywonderwoman]

You are being really irresponsible

[NerrSnerr]

You can't take her passport or call the foreign office to cancel it! Why are you even thinking about the intimacy part? I assume that as a younger teenager you discussed sex, STDs, unwanted pregnancies etc? She's old enough to take control of that.

I probably wouldn't give my child extra money to keep travelling abroad as I wouldn't be able to afford it but if they chose to spend whatever budget I chose to give at university for this instead of driving then that's their choice.

She is not a little girl anymore- she's a fully grown woman.

[MrsOtisRegrets]

Ok, I get it. I am just really very worried but I will 'back right off' then :(
I am so concern still, like I've said in the text she is just getting the hang of things; and I have been kind all along even though I am worried about at all.

[OnHold]

I can understand your worry,but it's her life. You can't control her for ever.

[HmmOkay]

Let her make her choices.

If she's rather spend money travelling to see her boyfriend than learning to drive then that's her decision to make.

That said, can you sit down and talk about money with her? Presumably you are not mega-rich and can't afford to pay for all these trips. Can you come up with a monthly allowance for her? And then when her money has run out she can either get a part-time job or travel less frequently.

At her age, and with the distance, the relationship will probably fizzle out soon enough anyway.

[Euripidesralph]

You aren't being prudent you're being controlling

Frankly at 18 she's probably being unwise but it's her mistake to make

The only thing your behaviour will do is make her never trust you....my dm was a bit like this (not as severe as you've been) and our relationship never really recovered I never forgot how she tried to control my life based on her anxiety formed controls

Be warned this will not end well for you

[MrsOtisRegrets]

Ok NerrSnerr, I appreciate the extra statements. Please dont bark-me-all-off but I will back out of it. No she isn't getting any extra cash apart from what she get's for Uni.

[garlicandsapphire]

Try and be aware that if you push to hard one way there's a risk the other way is way more appealing. Meanwhile by behaving unreasonably by taking her passport you've lost a lot of credibility and trust.

Trust your daughter and be there when she needs you. Otherwise she will end up hating you and doing everything you don't want her to do. Plus, weren't you young once? Adventure, joy, passion. These are good things.

[Crumbs1]

I understand you are worried about her safety - 18 is still very young but Paris is a beautiful city, nearer to the South of U.K. than Scotland is and relatively safe for single young women.
My guess is she knows about safe sex, contraception and where to access morning after pill. It would be very hard for university students not to know. Talk to her sensibly about your concerns and make sure she knows she is safer walking in crowded, well lit areas when on her own at night. Let her know she can call you day or night if she ever feels frightened. Maybe talk about keeping money and cards separately so she is never left without any access to funds. Buy her a small cross body bag to protect her valuables when out and about.
Our eldest went to Rwanda for four months at 22, our 19 year old was deployed to the Middle East, our 17 year old went with friends to a festival in Croatia and sailing around Balearics with friends and no proper adult. We have to let them grow up but also provide a safety net. It's hard letting go but it has to happen. Your comment about blushes at the thought of intimacy makes me think you might have led quite a sheltered life which might make it even tougher for you - but you still have to do it.

[rollonthesummer]

You can't cancel her passport! You need to back off or she will just give up her studies to go and live with him and will hate you.

Are you paying for her travel to see him?

[HmmOkay]

She'll get busier at university as the term goes on. And she will also run out of money if she is anything like most students in my day.

Just back off a bit as everyone has said and maybe remind her that she doesn't have to see him so frequently as they could spend a fair bit of the summer together when she has finished her term at university. They may have split up by then. If not, then fine.

[fakenamefornow]

I think this sounds absolutely wonderful for her. She's in love, traveling to Paris no less. What a great experience for her. Stop getting in her way and let her get on with her life. Have you said to her you'll call the Home Office and cancel her passport? If you have do you realise how foolish that sounds? You can't cancel her passport, in fact, have a go, they could probably all do with a laugh at the passport office.

Have you met the bf? He's probably lovely.

[MrsOtisRegrets]

There's a lot of instability going on and riots in Paris etc but probably thats just my fears - no I didn't mean to be 'controlling' however.

At garlicandsapphire I did remember my teenage years but with lack of sex advice plus trustworthy support in general (cut story short) that's how she ended up.... Given my concerns;

Yes for the record we've talked about sex-edu unlike my relationship with my (old-fashioned) parents.

[Letseatgrandma]

A lady at work did this with her daughter-tried every trick in the book to try to get her not to go and see her boyfriend (in a different country). In the end, the Couple went travelling and settled in New Zealand and had children. She has never come home to visit her mum.

[Gooseygoosey12345]

She's 18! An adult. You've no right to try to stop her travelling or control her in any way. If you continue down this path she won't confide in or trust you should anything ever happen. Be happy for her that she gets to have such an amazing life experience that she'll be able to look back on when she's older.

[Bestthingever]

Oh dear. You need to talk calmly and keep the lines of communication open. Taking her passport is going to anger her and stop her listening to you, Speaking as someone who ran off to a foreign country to be with her boyfriend, the best thing to do is keep the dialogue going.

[livefornaps]

Paris is not dangerous right now, I can tell you. some trouble in the banlieue specifically related to a recent case of police brutality but your daughter and bf will be schmoozing & snogging down by the seine I imagine so a long way from all that. Don't stand in her way, let her enjoy easy and affordable access to the EU while she still can. She may not be so lucky in the next few years, so grant her this one last hurrah at least.

[MrsOtisRegrets]

Thank you all for giving me such an insight. Damn it, I just realised I have been such a jerk - DD is a very hardworking and do regret making her cry so much over my foolishness. My parent's were highly conservative on the social philosophy side of things.... (that had somewhat affected my relationship with them actually)

Bestthingever actually, I just realised this post is probably a 'cry for help' before I pick up my parent's crown and slide into the shadow!!!! I clearly get all your views now and I will arrange a good breakfast tomorrow for a proper adult chat with my DD before it's all too late.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

Good stuff OP. I hope it all works out for you and your DD.

[Euripidesralph]

Fair play op seriously, it takes a lot to be able to own that , and the fact you can see it and are going to make a change ....I really think that's impressive

I really hope all is resolved and things move on well

[MrsOtisRegrets]

That’s sad and there’ll always be regret on both sides. I hope they’ll reconcile this. May God help them.

[MrsOtisRegrets]

Hello -
I want to thank you all for quick advise about my DD.

And to let you know a little bit about what’s going on and a quick over view about DD’s family situation.

My relationships with DD has been on the up’s and downs since she met her boyfriend but it’s improving now: however she and boyfriend I think still believe it’s ok to misbehave since they are grown ups. I hope DD will be more sensible on decisions and I think she is waking up to the realities around her now.

DD doesn’t see her dad since she turned 4 years and I brought her up with the support of my family (even though are abroad) and the community around me. Although granparents live out of the city in a local town less 20 minutes drive away: they never attend or supported her upbringing; attend sch concerts; and she is luck on her birthday if she gets a card.

The granparents on the ex-side are whispering a past incident to her ears for reasons why she doesn’t see daddy (or why daddy is running from her) - an act of incest that DD really shouldn’t know about until she reached a certain age (probably 25 years or more of a full adult stage).

Due to DD’s rebellion and prying into her past - she exposes herself to ex’s parents who have now threw this on her face and they are acting as if everything is ok.

DD has calm down but I know it is eating her inside- or it’ll pick up at some stage. This has also ignited a past traumatic experience for me and I am having a lot of raising concerns for her:
Especially when my ex ran out of court and refused to respond to mediation agencies and refused to pay her maintenance allowances over the past 16 years.

When DD asked me if the action was true and I responded - she almost fell and ran out in tears.
The next day she immediately bounced back as her ‘normal self’ and she wasn’t mean as usual- but I can see this is an unusual behaviour already.

I’ve now passed DD to a previous group that supported us when she was 3years to monitor things over. And at least she have them to go back to in cases of any details which I can’t answer and I should not.

This grim circumstance with ex, I was hoping, could be something DD may want to keep out of her personal relationship with her pals for friends but unfortunately I don’t think she realised it yet - or damaging for her it’ll be to let all her pals know about this matter.

I pray that all you good parents out there are good and caring and loving to the gift you were given of your children: and to uphold this trust and fulfill our obligations as parents.