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Am I being unreasonable with access?

(19 Posts)
Newmummy87 Wed 15-Feb-17 09:47:24

My ex hasnt seen my little one since beginning of January, he has demanded a DNA test which has now taken place. Little one is 100% his. His family said because little one doesn't look like him little one might be someone else's. my point is am I being unreasonable with saying when contact is started again (which he stopped not me) I've asked for him to come to mine or meet mutually so he can build a bond with her again?

Ouriana Wed 15-Feb-17 09:56:12

How old is your child, do they know, remember or want to see their father? If not I would insist on supervised contact, although somewhere like soft play or the park may be better than in your home.

LostMyDotBrain Wed 15-Feb-17 10:02:44

Supervised access sounds appropriate given the circumstances but I'd keep it in a neutral location. From experience, I can say supervised contact in your home would be very stressful.

tribpot Wed 15-Feb-17 10:11:55

Really depends on the age of the child - as your username is Newmummy I assume your little one is very little indeed?

Newmummy87 Wed 15-Feb-17 10:16:07

Little one is 4 months old. When he saw little one beginning of January little one was very unsettled with him. He came to my house beginning of January to see little one and fell asleep, now his solicitor is saying he's uncomfortable coming here.

Ouriana Wed 15-Feb-17 10:23:34

Would you feel comfortable allowing him to take the baby, maybe for an hour at a time, three or four days a week?

Are you breastfeeding? This will make a big difference to how long he can take the baby for.

I think at the moment you can insist on supervised but that will only last a few months and at some point he will be allowed to take the baby by himself, although this needs to be built upto gradually.

Newmummy87 Wed 15-Feb-17 10:37:13

All I want is him to come here maybe twice 3 times,or a mutual place to see the little one build his bond back up,Then he can start taking little one to his again. He stopped taking little one to his at Christmas, then went 3 weeks without seeing little one, now it's been 6 weeks by the time it's all sorted it will be even longer. I asked him to continue seeing little one but he refused

If your baby doesn't know him and build a bond it'll be even more traumatic if he suddenly wants every other weekend and an overnight. As they'll have separation anxiety then big time.

If he won't come to you then yes a contact centre is an option unless you know and trust his family and it could be there.

Newmummy87 Wed 15-Feb-17 10:47:16

Access has been agreed for after the DNA test thru solicitors. Twice a week 5 hours each time due to his working hours. I just really want him to build up a bond with little one again either at my house or mutual grounds before little one starts going there again. am not being awkward i feel am being sensible.

Ouriana Wed 15-Feb-17 10:56:28

5 hours seems a very long time for you to have to suffer his company! With babies the usual advice for contact is little and often, it may be more beneficial for him to come a few evenings after work to give your DD a bath and feed and settle her, short bursts of quality time rather than sitting in your house for hours whie she sleeps.

Newmummy87 Wed 15-Feb-17 11:02:34

yes I agree with you there the 1st few times keeping it short. The 5 hours is when little one starts going to his again. Unfortunately he works till 6 every night and little one goes to bed at 6.30, but I will suggest he does this on his days off. Unfortunately he is very stubborn and I know he will throw this back in my face. I just wish he kept up contact with little one and he continued taking little one to his 😒 It's now been since Christmas since little one was with him on there own

ThatsPlenty Wed 15-Feb-17 11:49:04

When my ex re-appeared and suddenly wanted to start seeing DD again, I told him it had to be at my house until I was comfortable with him taking her away for a few hours.

He came to my house once a week for a couple of hours. I sat in another room or done some housework and let him get on with it. This lasted a couple of months until everyone was comfortable with moving it on a bit.

Newmummy87 Wed 15-Feb-17 12:00:43

That's exactly what I did the last time he saw little one. I sat downstairs and left them upstairs, he was with little one about 4 hours and fell asleep. He's saying he feels uncomfortable coming to my house which is why I've also suggested a mutual meeting point. It's all going thru solicitors at the moment

RebootYourEngine Wed 15-Feb-17 12:08:38

Is there anyone who could take your child and meet him at a cafe or library or somewhere so that you dont have to see him and he gets to see his child without maybe feeling judged by you.

Look on the bright side. Your child is only 4 months old and by he sound of it he is actively seeking contact with his child. I woukd encourage this unless he is a danger to the child.

JaxingJump Wed 15-Feb-17 12:22:50

I think at 4 months babies are pretty flexible. If it was a 2 yr old it would be different. I know you must be furious with him over the DNA crap he pulled (totally his right but it was shit if him to stop seeing her in the meantime) but don't dress up controlling his access as baby needing time to bond. Many babies start daycare etc at 4 months and go for a few hrs from the very first day without mum, quickly building up to a full day.

Newmummy87 Wed 15-Feb-17 12:44:53

Wooo hang on a minute. Am only saying once or twice if you read other posts then am happy for little one To go there on there own. Am not being controlling at all far from it. tbh he wants a DNA that's his choice and when he asked for that I begged him to carry on seeing little one. He refused!! Last time he saw little one he couldn't settle little one and shouted me from upstairs to calm little one down! Not once but twice in the space of 4 hours! So am not being controlling at all!

ThatsPlenty Wed 15-Feb-17 14:08:26

Newmummy....Please ignore JaxingJump(there's always someone on here who flips the whole thread around). I think you're doing great by your child.

JaxingJump Wed 15-Feb-17 14:40:25

I wasn't trying to flip things around. Just say that plenty of 4 month olds are around lots of people they don't feel they know well for hours without mum and it's fine. I don't think babies that age really bond with people, including grannies etc. Unless they see them every day for hrs. Older children with more awareness and capacity to remember are different. That seems to happen more from 8mths onwards that they recognise granny after not seeing her for a week for example.

I can understand OPs reservations about nit wanting to hand baby over. But I just think that's a different issue to worry about bonding.

Newmummy87 Wed 15-Feb-17 16:55:49

Thank you for all your support and comments

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