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Made a stupid mistake now my children are suffering

(12 Posts)
Louw12345 Sun 05-Feb-17 22:12:52

Why have I let me anger towards my ex ruin their contact. What kind of mum am I!
Over christmas he didn't pay cm said a payment would be made on the 6th of Jan but there wasn't and nothing will be paid till 20th of Jan by this point he would owe 250£.
Annoyed and upset I went mad and told him not to bother till hes up to date. On the 20th he made a payment of £100 and nothing of what he owed and he text at 5.30 and said he will be there at 6. 30 for the kids. I told him 6.30 was too late as he asked in meditation pick up at 4.30 and was already an hour late as it was.
So the week after he didn't get in contact
This weekend 'his' weekend I text on Friday to.ask if he was having his children I got no reply I asked if he was paying cm I got no reply. On saturday nighy he rang coz one of kids rang him to ask him if he could ring me and tell me she was staying there but really she was staying at her mates.
I said I said to her she wasn't to stay out (she's in my care coz he didn't come for them). But then I text him and said it's ment to be your weekend so you can sort her out. He and his girlfriend rang my phone loads of times and then I aswered it, he told me I'm passing the buck (regarding my daughter )because I have plans tonight (no plans me and my bf stayed in cooked food while I had my other children in bed, my exes other children )..
His girlfriend was then shouting down the phone I was ringing you about YOUR daughter. Which really annoyed me and my ex soon put then phone down.
They have both said to me that the cm won't be paid coz he hasn't seen the kids coz I won't let him. (It isn't that I won't let him it's that 3/4 weekends he hasn't bothered with them) and also none of what he owes
Now that they saying that it brings me back to the start when I said it out of anger so it is my fault isn't it?
We don't communicate and I have tried to get mediation to set up a meeting to which he ignores the letters and calls.
4 of my children started dance and I can't afford to keep up the payments. Along with all the other things they need.
Why do I let him wind me up ? My children are now suffering coz I got angry with him and it's all my fault

coolaschmoola Sun 05-Feb-17 22:14:45

Nope... CM isn't payment to view children. It should be paid contact or not.

Louw12345 Sun 05-Feb-17 22:35:37

He doesn't see that though. He does it to get to me just like not picking them up when he should. Things got worse when he found.out I had a boyfriend and just wouldn't come for kids on his weekends and not pay.
How do I even sort this out

LonginesPrime Sun 05-Feb-17 23:18:31

1) Contact the Child Support Agency and request they calculate maintenance and take it out of his salary at source. As Coola says, you both need to stop seeing CM payments as being linked to contact as they're completely separate issues. Using the CSA separates the two things and stops him being able to withhold payments whenever he feels like it.

2) Stop asking him about the CM and tying the two issues together when you communicate with him.

3) Don't rely on the maintenance payments, even when they're going through the CSA. They can only take what he gets paid, and he could move jobs/take a pay cut, etc to avoid paying if he really wanted to. It sounds like part of your anger might be because you've committed financially (to the dance lessons) on the basis that he would pay CM. Now you know he won't, so don't rely on the CM, but treat it as a bonus if you do get it. My ex kept changing jobs to avoid the CSA, so even when it did start to be paid, they could only collect from wages they knew about.

4) It sounds like you've agreed some contact times with him through mediation - if it were me, I'd write a formal letter to him setting out the contact times that have been agreed, stating you're happy to change the times within reason but that you'd appreciate sufficient notice in order that you can manage the children's expectations and arrangements.

5) Try to rise above the pettiness. Easier said than done, I know, but if you can show him how mature and reasonable you're being and make it all about the kids as opposed to about you and him, he'll hopefully see there's no point in trying to get a rise out of you.

6) Try not to put too much weight on the timetable as to which parent is 'on the clock' - your DC are still your DCs when they're at his house, and by telling him to sort out your DD's behaviour, you are (as you know) showing yourself to be unreasonable and giving him and his gf cause to think you're having difficulties parenting her. It might work fine in some co-parenting relationships for the resident parent to discuss a difficult situation with the other parent and to ask for help, but it doesn't sound like you have that kind of relationship with your ex, from what you've described.

All-in-all, it feels like you're interacting with your ex on the basis of how you wish he would be, as opposed to being realistic about your relationship with him and how he actually is. If it were me, I would be being a bit more guarded around him until things are on a more even keel and not wearing your heart on your sleeve so much.

Starlight2345 Sun 05-Feb-17 23:23:47

I personally would go to the CMS for maintenance.. This takes the discussions out about money. Regardless of whether it goes up or down at least it is regular.

What age are the children? I was guessing teens with them wanting to stay at a mates for the night?

Can they arrange access when they want at this age?

I would simply say. We need to sort this out as it is the children that are losing their dad and that is important to them.

Ask him if you could talk about how to plan it.

Louw12345 Sun 05-Feb-17 23:46:07

LonginesPrime I totally understand what you are saying about me saying you sort her out. But there has been many times before this I have asked him for help and he has ignored me. When its there weekend and said daughter does something they ring me to sort it out etc. I just feel when I need help its like they think no not today cba with that. The child we are talking about really needs her dad. Iv done everything I can think of to help her but I'm the bad one. She hates going there but gos to play us off one another. She rang him once coz I had grounded her. In the day time I had told him I had seen dick pictures on her ipad and asked him to come and talk to her when he dropped the other kids off and he didn't bother. See if I try and talk to her I'm getting at her, I was concerned to why she had them and wanted to make sure she was ok. One phine call from her telling him I'm shouting at her and being nasty and he was there in minutes. Im drained months she's been like this telling me she isn't happy at home so I asked him if she could stay with him for afew days so we can all start a fresh in afew days. No reply to the text.

Iv wrote a letter in October stating everything please remember this is everything he wanted . All I asked for was he sees his children on his own to build a relationship b4 they meet his gf (he stopped seeing them when he got with her). But thanks for the advice

Louw12345 Sun 05-Feb-17 23:49:49

2 teenagers and 3 kids under 8 years old.
The older girls can see him as they please.
But he used to text the eldest asking about the younger ones and it got too much for her she had panic attacks from.it all. I asked him to contact me only as it wasn't fair on her to pass messages back and forth.

Louw12345 Sun 05-Feb-17 23:55:20

All-in-all, it feels like you're interacting with your ex on the basis of how you wish he would be, as opposed to being realistic about your relationship with him and how he actually is. If it were me, I would be being a bit more guarded around him until things are on a more even keel and not wearing your heart on your sleeve so much

What do you mean by this bit? Like not believe anything he says?

Oh also I have to stick to the time table when he's dropping the children off at home. If I'm late (once or twice) I'm a rubbish mum.
It's hard to be strong when your worn down all the time and have been for 10 plus years where your opinion never mattered and I still think he has that mental control over me

BaileysAddict Mon 06-Feb-17 00:02:46

The CSA no longer exists. You will now need to contact Child Maintenance Options for advice regarding the maintenance issues

Louw12345 Mon 06-Feb-17 00:08:18

Yes I'm going to on tuesday. Iv always put it off coz he's asked me not to go through them. But to be honest I can't be bothered with the stress no more. Makes me so I'll. Kids need new school shoes and now I'm trying to work out which bills I can get away with not paying for this week to get them

LonginesPrime Mon 06-Feb-17 00:42:22

What do you mean by this bit?

I meant that your expectations of your ex seem to be based on what you feel he/an exH should be doing, not on what your exH is actually like. You expect him to turn up for contact but he doesn't, you ask him to pay maintenance and he doesn't, you ask him to help out with parenting his own DD and he doesn't.

I'm not saying it's right that he's letting down his kids like this, but you can't make him be a good parent. You can only work with what you have, and it sounds to me like your expectations of him are too high. It sucks, and I've been there, but if he's proved himself to be unreliable, don't set yourself and your kids up for a fall by relying on him.

It's horrible that you're going through this - hope you get stuff sorted with the CMS to ease the pressure a bit.

As an aside - thanks PPs for pointing out about the CSA change - I just got a routine letter from the CSA the other day, but apparently even existing cases will have to be reapplied for through the new scheme this year..I had no idea, so that's very helpful to know!

Louw12345 Mon 06-Feb-17 07:29:51

LonginesPrime your spot on there.
I won't contact him anymore no need to really if he wants to see the kids he knows the times and days and if not I will get on with it

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