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Lonely, bereaved, sad, stressed and lovesick all at the same time - I am so messed up.

(13 Posts)
Eulalia2 Mon 30-Jan-17 09:55:23

I don't know if it is possible to feel all these things together. Had difficult couple of years, lost my Dad and husband in 2015 - 9 months apart. Husbands death not entirely unexpected as he had chronic illnesses but was very sudden when it happened. Left with 3 kids age 16,13 and 10 at the time. 1st Jan this year my mother effectively 'dies' (cardiac arrest) but brought back. Had 2 nights sleeping at the hospital and 3 weeks of long drive there and back twice a week and also taking my eldest son who has Asperger to psychiatric appointments once a week in another city. Also back to work on the 5th which has been pretty awful. Staff shortages and very low morale (I work with disabled teenagers). We are struggling with a half renovated house which is not fun just now in the cold weather. I've not been sleeping or eating well for weeks, lost interest in everything. All I want to do is lie in bed. Doctor signed me off on Friday 2 weeks with stress. On top of it all I've developed a ridiculous crush on someone who I rarely see (fortunately) which is obviously not going to go anywhere but just makes me feel so sad and lonely. Have been celibate for 16 months and the only pleasure I get is watching Netflix and all I seem to see is people kissing and being happy. I have so much crap to deal with and it just seems pathetic to be thinking about myself in this way. Any advice about how to work myself out of this tangled mess? Thank you.

OP’s posts: |
Bythebeach Mon 30-Jan-17 23:22:22

That sounds incredibly hard. No advice really. Are your kids self-sufficient enough that you can do something just for you a couple of times a week - whatever suits/relaxes you? My year has not been as distressing as yours must have been but it has been the hardest I've had since breaking up with my eldest's dad a decade ago and the thing I really crave is time & space for me. With the crush, perhaps indulge in some fantasising but you sound a bit vulnerable to be looking for anything more right now. Be gentle with yourself. You've had so much to cope with.

Eulalia2 Tue 31-Jan-17 03:10:24

Thanks so much BTB. I wondered if anyone would reply, it is a bit of a heavy post. Please tell me how you coped. I am supposed to be trying to relax as been terribly wound up but it's hard to know how. Its early days yet and just my first day off work. I hate being off work, I only had 51/2 weeks off when my husband died and two of them were my Christmas holidays. But I also know I wan't coping there. Also someone at work wants to ask me out and I have no mutual feelings and that has been adding to my stress. I am not really interested in seeing anyone that is the annoying thing, am sure the crush thing is just deep seated attention. I am currently waiting on counselling. Was offered it through work but had to turn down a couple of appointments due to my son's medical appointments and no idea how long the GP referral will take. I could go into my local Samaratins as I ended up phoning them on Saturday. First time ever done anything like that. I meant to say knew husband would go before me, well most likely as he was 20 years older but it happened so much sooner. Kids are reasonably self sufficient but we are a bit isolated living in the country and besides I feel too down to really talk to people face to face at the moment. Thanks for the post, means a lot to me.

OP’s posts: |
Atenco Tue 31-Jan-17 03:36:49

I have no similar experience, Eulalia, but just to help you get through all this, it might be a good idea to start taking a vitamin B supplement and maybe even Saint John's Wort.

Bythebeach Tue 31-Jan-17 14:10:03

Oh Eulalia I don't know what to say. I really wish I did. But Samaritans is there for exactly when you are at the end of your emotional tether.

It sounds weird but the thing that helps me is getting to a class I like each week (for me that's dance/body balance) but whatever it is you might still enjoy? Somehow, it means to me I have a semblance of control.

I think you might find better help on the bereavement board here too. Have you tried there?

IMurderedStampyLongnose Tue 31-Jan-17 14:19:36

Hi Op,I am afraid I have nothing useful to add,but it sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job given everything,your current situation sounds so tough!its no wonder you want to lie in bed all day,you must be exhausted.And don't beat yourself up over the crush,use it to your advantage,let it take you somewhere nicer in your mind for a bit,help you escape.This won't last foreverflowers

Eulalia2 Wed 01-Feb-17 09:52:56

Thanks for the responses. Yes I have been going to an evening class for several years now but am having a break from it. Trouble is nothing appeals to me any more. I usually enjoy photography but have barely taken a photo all month. Have been to the cinema a couple of times with my daughter which takes my mind off things but can't say it has been fun. I sound such a misery guts. Yes bereavement board maybe, although I seem to cover several topics. Also I feel OKwith that, I really felt so much better at Christmas time it being the 2nd Christmas without my husband and we have adapted. I was clearing out some of his things yesterday and I didnt feel sad, didn't feel anything much at all, just kind of empty.

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thesandwich Wed 01-Feb-17 10:04:22

So sorry op. This time of year can be hard when the reality returns post Christmas- you have so much on. Counselling sounds really important - do try again via work as you should be able to access it more quickly. Hospices etc also offer bereavement counselling.
Have a look at the headspace app to try to calm your mind- and small treats is vital. Writing how you feel may help but I think rl support is vital. And post on boards that you feel may help- there are lots of wise women- and men who will listen.

Somerville Wed 01-Feb-17 10:06:36

Oh love, I know how tough it is. And you're not just struggling with being widowed but also the loss of your father and looking after your mother and becoming a lone parent including to a child with SN and work stress. God, I think you're utterly amazing to have kept on keeping on for this long, frankly.

Go back to the GP. That numb feeling sounds like clinical depression. Anti-depressants might help, and they might be able to attempt to bump you up the list for counselling.

Are you claiming everything you're entitled to? Would talking to CBA help?

Have you joined WAY (Widowed And Young)? And you could look at the websites for the Childreavement Trust and Winston's Wish at whether there is any more support you could be accessing for your children.

The person interested in you who you're not interested in - just tell them "no - not interested". If they can't take no for an answer then this needs to be reported to a manager or HR.

I recently got remarried after being widowed in 2014 so I understand the turmoil you feel at liking someone again.

hopsalong Wed 01-Feb-17 10:21:35

I'm sorry. That sounds so tough, OP. How's your mother doing now and what's the long-term prognosis?

The crush might be 'hopeless' in one sense, but actually I think it sounds like a good sign for you -- if you're at the point where you're able to imagine/ fantasise about a new future, then you aren't completely stuck in the treadmill of the present.

Agree with others that this time of year is very grim, and life sounds tough with the three children and work. Do you do any exercise? Maybe some focus on self-care -- regular exercise and bright light, good sleep, maybe a low dose anti-depressant prescription, some new daily routines, regular small treats, would help in short term to lift your mood? And in long term sounds as if it would be a great idea to think about some activities/ clubs you might be able to join, maybe even about internet dating? (Everyone does it!)

Chasingsquirrels Wed 01-Feb-17 10:28:04

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this Eulalia, you have gone through and are continuing to go thorough a lot.
I'm rubbish at suggestions, but I didn't want to ignore your posts.
Please take all the help you are offered / can get.
If it helps to keep posting here then please do so.

Eulalia2 Thu 02-Feb-17 09:42:05

Thanks folks, not a great night again, keep getting so much negative thoughts, even things that happened years ago. I don't know if I feel depressed but I don't feel anything much at all and certainly not happy which isn't right and I don't actually care whether I am happy or not which doesn't make sense writing this but its how I feel. I looked at WAY last year but as I was 50 then (51 now) I fell at the cut off point for joining. So I am not young but certainly don't feel I can relate to pensioners/elderly widowed either. The man at work is actually very nice but just not my type and he wasn't exactly pestering more just milking every opportunity to talk to me. Although he did actually follow me into a classroom the other day and the teacher asked what he was doing there! I think I need to get my head sorted out before I can consider seeing anyone else again. I don't do exercise as such but my job is physically demanding and I was going to join a club in the new year but obviously recent events threw that. As for the crush, its not healthy at all, its more a hopeless thing that I am actually punishing myself about, its kind of perverse, I cant have him (he's involved with my sons care so conflict of interests for a start) but cant seem to stop thinking/obsessing almost like I want to hurt myself emotionally. God that sounds awful typing this but I am not going to delete it. My mum is getting better and being discharged from hospital today, will be at home with carers coming in. She's very anxious though, always thinking she is going to drop dead any minute, it's not much fun being with her just now.

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Somerville Thu 02-Feb-17 10:02:57

Sounds like you are spending all your energy doing everything for everyone and there is no-one to look after you. Your GP will help with that, if you explain that numb feeling (which really sounds like depression) and that you've phoned Samaritans.


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