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It's not about you it's what's best for the children...

(53 Posts)
Disappointednomore Sun 22-Jan-17 17:10:32

So this is a bit of a vent. I've read this statement and heard it said so often and just sometimes it gets my bloody goat. The subtext appears to be that the NRP can be a complete dick, mess you and the kids around, not see them for months on end whilst you do everything then want to see them when it's really inconvenient to you and you have to put yourself out even more. I've also read that "contact is not childcare" well it bloody well should be! I want the absolute absolute best for my DD including a good relationship with her father and I am working myself to death to that end. I'm just sick of reading these cat's bum judgey phrases that imply that just because your other half turned out to be a nob and ran off to have a life without you that now you're not entitled EVER to put yourself first because "it's what's best for the children " that counts.

megletthesecond Sun 22-Jan-17 17:15:53

I know it's not in aibu. But yanbu.

It makes my blood boil watching NRP's messing their dc's lives and emotions around and the RP is meant to suck it up. Dreadful example to their dc's too. I do count myself lucky xp decided to not have anything to do with us compared to the crap others have to go through.

Disappointednomore Sun 22-Jan-17 17:45:22

Thanks - I didn't dare put it in AIBU. My dad never bothered with us when I was growing up and I wanted different for my own child but in some ways my mum probably had it easier

FuzzyBoots Sun 22-Jan-17 17:56:38

Agreed. The childcare thing really does grind my gears! If we were together and I needed to go somewhere, I would ask her dad to have her. I don't see why this should be different if we don't live together? He is still her parent and parenting is not just about having fun contact days and not having any obligations or responsibility to help out.

MossytheMouse Mon 23-Jan-17 00:41:17

This annoys me too. It's usually said in such a condescending way and always by someone who is not a lone parent. "You have to put the kids first" was one I heard a lot of during the breakup... I had done nothing but put them first, people just seemed to feel the need to point that out to me. As though I'm a lone parent now that automatically means I'm selfish and a crap mother.
Rant over.

ThatsPlenty Wed 25-Jan-17 14:12:59

Totally agree with you. I put a thread up recently about my DDs father coming to see her at very inconvenient times, times that only suited HIM and I was told exactly the same by a few nutjobs confused.....That was on AIBU, I learnedsmile

spaceyface89 Wed 25-Jan-17 15:45:19

I'm so glad for this thread. Ex partner barely spent a moment with DS when we were together and refused all support, instead opting to spend his time going to the gym and going out. Since we separated, I have done my utmost to ensure he sees DS, accommodating his plans. Ex is so bloody self centred he feels that DS and I must fit in with his life, and god forbid should I make plans on the day he's decided he's not in the pub so can spare an hour for DS. His hypocrisy enrages me.

MossytheMouse Wed 25-Jan-17 16:12:03

Spacey that sounds exactly like my ex! If I have plans made on the day he tells me he's taking kids it's "no one will stop me seeing my children" and if I mention that we've heard nothing from him for weeks I'm told to stop trying to start a fight confused

Bauble16 Wed 25-Jan-17 16:29:02

God this reminds me of my ex. It's infuriating. I'm supposed to be the better person, suck it up so the kids don't pick up on how let down I feel, put them first, financially support them myself completely, do everything for them myself with no help. Meanwhile he thinks he can dictate that he's an equal parent in the eyes on the law. Nothing equal about it! He's not even Disney Dad, never takes them anywhere when he has them or does anything with them.
I don't begrudge doing everything for my kids, but I begrudge that he does zero yet I can't take them abroad without his consent, due to surnames. Some none resident parents are dickheads!!

ElectricMelon Wed 25-Jan-17 16:48:29

Agreed.

I have done it all on my own from day one as my ex pissed off with OW.

He can do what he wants when he wants. He can cancel at last minute or refuse to have Dd when she is ill or he is ill or OW is ill.

He can go on holiday for 3 weeks or choose to dump Dd at his mums on his weekends.

He doesn't do any of the actual parenting and always has an excuse.

He's never lost a days wages to care for sick Dd or had to use his annual leave because there is no childcare.

Yet people love to tell me that he is an equal parent and that I should be the one to put Dd first and basically let him do what he wants whilst I never get a proper break or get to have a social life.

He is such a doting dad and has equal rights and I am a complete bitch if I dare to suggest we change something or dare to ask him to have her for an extra day.

If I dared to behave to way he does I would have social services knocking at my door (phoned by him and his family). I would be the world's worst mum.

I get fed up of being the one who has to sacrifice everything and bend over backwards for Dd to have a relationship with her dad.

Thanks OP I needed a rant myself.

Disappointednomore Thu 26-Jan-17 09:55:31

Electricmelon yes that's exactly the size of it and your rant just elaborates on my own. Now that I have a few likeminded people on here I will admit: I have told my ex he will never have DD on Christmas Day that it will always be for me since I am doing everything. Shock horror eh? Goes against everything I read online and I don't care.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm Thu 26-Jan-17 10:26:57

I hate that attitude too, OP. It's never really about the 'rights of the children' at all, is it? I mean, it IS for us, we're trying our best to be fair and to do what's in their best interests, even if it hurts us in the process. But really, in most peoples' minds, it's about the 'rights' of the NRP.

My bastard ex prefers to stick to slagging me off to anyone who'll listen, telling them complete fabrications about what a terrible mother I am, because as soon as I said that any contact he wanted would have to go through the courts, he lost interest. He just tries to throw spanners in the works however and wherever he can. He often tells people I'm 'denying him his rights'.

Fuck you. To my mind, he lost any rights he had to a say in DS's upbringing when he repeatedly battered me in front of him. He tried to dictate how I fed, clothed, and cleaned DS, whilst he sat at the computer and didn't lift a finger. He used to tell a then baby DS what a slag and a whore Mummy was. And people still think I'M the bad guy for refusing access, because XP is 'so laidback, such a nice person'. Yeah, okay.

OopsDearyMe Sun 05-Feb-17 02:55:43

What I have learned is that a happy mummy makes happy kids and as long as your not running down your kids dad, you have every right to say ..... Hang on a minute its me here raising this / these children alone every day and doing a bloody good job. Its also me that ends up dealing with all the crap so I also get a say too, because what gets to me gets to the kids too.

HappyHedgehog247 Sun 05-Feb-17 08:26:05

Thank you for this thread! Agree with it all. My court order has been our saviour.

Angrybird123 Mon 06-Feb-17 21:17:19

I also fully intend to keep the dcs every Xmas morning until they are past the 'magic ' ages or ask for something different. He fucked off with OW, chose her over them and told me exactly that. He moved away also and does nothing at all remotely helpful or contributory to raising them except financially - and I had to fight bloody bloody hard to make him pay a bit more than CMS - I am sure if his parents weren't alive he wouldnt but rightly thinks they would roast him if he didn't provide for them adequately. Why should he get any of the 'special' times when he does fuck all of the school run / homework / wet beds / sickness / juggling work / sibling fighting / emotional fallout from him leaving?? And yes to the whole 'making sure they have a great relationship with him' thing is somehow OUR responsibility and if they dont then it's our fault. And breathe...

spaceyface89 Mon 06-Feb-17 21:22:27

Angrybird, I totally get you. It's mine and ex's birthdays a day apart and he asked to have DS for his family meal and I had to say no as I was having birthday plans too. Why should he be able to parade DS around on his birthday and feel self satisfied in front of his parents when he does none of the actual parenting.

OFFFS Sat 11-Feb-17 19:23:57

So glad it's not just me.

workingmumsarebad Sat 11-Feb-17 21:39:39

Oh yes and not slagging off the OW, who tells your DCS that it is your fault that Daddy left them and he is happy now.

I bite my tongue and smile sickly

And breathe - always knew there was second use for those labour breathing exercises!!!

neweymcnewname Mon 13-Feb-17 22:03:29

My EXs new partner used to moan (in front of my kids), that I was taking time off work and having a break, while she cared for my kids (tho they were obviously there to see their dad, and he was capable of looking after them!). She also thought I was letting them down by working, and said so regularly.
I always stayed calm, and mostly ignored her comments, but one time I answered that I thought she had a point, and i she thought it was that important, perhaps I should give up work...and my ex should obviously make up the difference in money, as there was no way to survive on what he provided for the kids, and I probably wouldn't get benefits if I just quit work thru choice.

They both went pale - and there's been no more talk of me being a lousy mother for working :-D!

Foslady Tue 14-Feb-17 18:13:50

When the ex left I had to cope with a 6 yes old sobbing each night that daddy was all alone. Trying to reassuringly say he's not alone and staying at a friend's when inside I was screaming he'd dumped us and was busy shagging the ow and it was me that was all alone......

Yeah - really enjoyed taking that hit for the child, along with being on a quarter of their household income and him not wanting to help with any school trips, the cost of going up to secondary school and all the other such like, not giving her a penny for an icecream when she went on holiday with me but having to send her with money when she went away with him.....all on my poorly paid p/t job so I could be there for her........angry

Hidingtonothing Tue 14-Feb-17 18:50:16

Christ, I can't get my head around 'parents' like this, I thank my lucky stars my dad fucked off and left my mum to it, I would have hated her to have to deal with this shit. I'm not saying it was easy for her doing it all alone but he would definitely have been a dick about everything had he stayed in touch so I suspect it was better all round that he didn't. On the flip side DH has been the complete opposite with his DC with his first wife, committed, involved and also supportive of his EXW. I honestly couldn't have stayed with someone who treated their DC or their kids mum the way some posters are describing.

ReasonsToBeModeratelyHappy Tue 14-Feb-17 20:18:13

I have told my ex he will never have DD on Christmas Day that it will always be for me since I am doing everything.

Mine has never wanted his DCs for Xmas, anytime near New Year, or either his or his DPs birthdays - he needs those times free. He wouldn't come to any of their birthdays when they were small; one time I arranged things so he brought them back straight to one of their parties - a big, indoor play place, so he could have spent time with them and barely seen me. He dropped them off and was gone in 5 minutes.

I had to ask the other parents who asked me why on earth he hadn't stayed, not to talk about it in front of my DCs - it never seems to bother them, as its always been like this, and I didn't want them to realise other dads stay for their childrens birthdays...

workingmumsarebad Tue 14-Feb-17 22:03:17

There is no doubt that those who go off with the OW and set up happy house - treat their DCS like crap for some years.

The insecurities of the OW dictate so much of what they do and react. Then if they stay together you are expected to recognise it was for the best and what a wonderful SM they are to your DCs - forgetting the shit they and their DF reaped

NooNooMummy Wed 15-Feb-17 12:31:19

I'm another one who's doing my best to refuse to accept the crap dad. I'm doing everything, he hasn't seen our daughter or spoken to her for 3 months (his choice), it was sporadic contact before that, he lives in the next street (i.e. really not far!!), he gave her nothing for Christmas, he doesn't pay anything to me and still hasn't sorted out things with the CMA (it's been 7 months now since we broke up), he never paid anything before we broke up anyway, he's now declared himself bankrupt after being on a spending spree with credit cards for the last few months.... I could go on. And he claims that I am abusive and am preventing him from seeing our daughter. I'm really not. Why should I have to co-parent with someone like this? He's had 7 months to step up and has chosen not to... hmm

NooNooMummy Wed 15-Feb-17 12:34:10

I have to sit here and be accused of 'preventing' him from seeing our daughter when he actually makes no effort to see her... How can this be a good person for my daughter to have in her life if and when he actually starts making an effort for her?

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