Just really sad for the children....(3 Posts)
I've posted on Steparenting before but thought I would post here. My ExH and I split 7 years ago. Divorced 4 years ago. I have been with my DP for 4.5 years although we don't live together. Basically due to geographical reasons,. He has 50% care of his boys and needs to be close the schools/friends etc. We live an hour apart but are happy with the arrangement for the time being.
ExH left when my youngest was 8 months old, my eldest 4.5 years. He had MH problems being sectioned twice in 2008 and subsequently diagnosed with bipolar. He stopped taking his medication in around 2009 and I'm not sure he has taken it since. My youngest (now 7) really has known no different but my eldest (12) took it badly and he has changed there's no doubt about it, he doesn't really talk about his feelings and looks as if he has the weight of the world on his shoulders sometimes which breaks my heart. The youngest is a real character, full of beans and a really funny, sweet boy. There is a public school near us that is means tested, meaning that fees are based on your household income, my son and I went to look round it when he was in Y6 and he said he really wanted to go for the entrance exam even though it would mean boarding if he gained a bursary. He did exceptionally well and got a 96% bursary and is now in year 8, he is really happy there and because it is just up the road I get to see him 2/3 times a week and he comes home every third weekend and has very long holidays, but one of the conditions is that he has to board. I did say to him that if I could afford it I would want him to be a day boy but he said to me, 'Mummy I wouldn't want to be a day boy I'd miss the bedtime banter'! I feel guilty about him being there, but he is really happy and it is an opportunity of a lifetime. My youngest is at the local primary but will go for the entrance exam when he's in year 6 as he wants to and even though I don't know what I'd do with myself with both of them gone I know I have to give them both the same opportunity.
My ex and I have had an amicable relationship, he would see the boys on a regular basis, take to football, collect from school etc. They would generally see him 2/3 times a week and every other weekend plus holidays. About 3 years ago he met someone who lives a 2.5hr drive away which was fine, he still lived locally here with his parents and saw her at weekends and sometimes in the week. However a year ago he moved up there and everything changed. She is (according to him) insecure and jealous of the fact we used to go to parents evenings and school events together and he would occasionally come in to chat about the boys and have a coffee when he dropped the boys off. My DP never had a problem with this and I don't have a problem when he does those things with his ex. I feel it puts on a united front in front of the boys. This has all now stopped and either she or one of her 4 children will travel down with my ex to collect/drop off the boys so that he can't come in to the house. It is really uncomfortable for all concerned and it is affecting the boys. Apparently I am now only allowed one call/text per week concerning the boys, he will liaise directly with the boys regarding arrangements (bit hard seeing as one is 7!) as this is the arrangement she has with her ex. My youngest came back from his last Sunday sobbing about Daddy and this week I was called into his class saying he's been emotional and quite down this week which has never happened. I am just so angry for them that he has moved up there at a crucial time in their childhood and is basically bringing up her children instead of his own? why could he have not waited until they were older? why is he letting her walk all over him and dictate to him? he doesn't respond to texts or emails regarding weekend or holiday arrangements. He arranges things with my eldest without telling me so we are giving him different plans so he gets confused....
When we first split he paid above the CSA but now (fair enough) he pays the minimum (after taking his pension contributions out) he pays nothing towards clothes, parties or clubs and he has also just stopped paying the £100 a month contribution toward my eldest's school fees (they are about £277 a month). I work full time and I think we probably earn around the same but all he is paying is £387 towards his children? it's not the money, it really isn't, it's the fact that he really doesn't seem to give a shit...
I'm sorry for the rant. I just can't believe how someone can go from seeing their children 2/3 time a week to moving 2.5hrs away to be with someone, who even he admits, he's not that happy with.....
Can you in anyway talk to your ex and explain all this to him?
I've tried on numerous occasions via email and text but she apparently reads everything and his answer is, 'Well would you rather me live with my parents??' well no I wouldn't but I would rather him rent a place down here to be nearer his children. He keeps saying that if only I could get on with her things would be better, but she is the reason things are like this..
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