Sons Dad being unreliable(4 Posts)
So where to start..?!
On April 26th 2016 aged 19 my boss gave me a brownie and I ended up in A+E with a nut allergy, prior to this I had been going to the GP to find out what was wrong with me. Certain symptoms had lead me to believe I was pregnant however I had 3 negative tests. So back to A+E.. the doctor felt my stomach, did an ultrasound and turns out I was 27 weeks pregnant.
I had broken up with my boyfriend (my sons dad) the November before and hadn't spoken to him since the last time we slept together which happened to be the day I conceived although I was taking the pill.
I had asked him to meet me the following Friday to discuss what we would be doing in regards to support and getting things together throughout the final months of my pregnancy. That day he left me standing in the rain for two hours where planned to meet before ringing to say he was going straight home from his friends house. This was just the beginning.
Throughout the rest of my pregnancy he constantly turned up late or missed appointments and antenatal classes. The only time he was there on time was for the scan hoping to find out the sex of the baby. He was over an hour late for the sickle cell blood test he needed to do. It was awkward really because he was the only person they needed. The 24th July aka the day I was due he got kicked out of his hostel, still had no job and owed me £200. He moved into his moms and got kicked out of there 3 days later for leaving his friends there while he went out. Constantly ignoring my calls and texts. That same week he rang me, we spoke for probably about an hour. He basically said he was sorry and wanted to prove himself if l would let him. Obviously I said of course.. I wouldn't want my baby to grow up without a dad. He begged me to let him be in the room when the baby was being born I said I would see how I feel when I was in labour and would make a decision then as we are not together. I still wanted him to be in the hospital at least.
I went into hospital to be induced On the 4th of august. I told him my mom would text him to keep him updated and let him know when to come to the hospital. At 5pm that day I was induced. That day he was messaging me checking in and that was fine. At 2.30am 5th august I woke up and was having contractions. Throughout the day he was constantly messaging my mom every half an hour.. should I leave yet? How's it going? So on so on. I was in labour for 24 hours. At 12.15pm 6th august I went down from the ward to the delivery suite they told me I was a lot further dialated than they thought I would be (the ward midwives wouldn't examine me until 5 hours had passed from the last examination even though I was begging however my waters broke and LO was distressed so they sent me down to delivery only to find out I had gone from 1cm to 9 in 4 hours!). My mom text him saying you should leave now. No reply. At 12.30 she rang him and asked if he had received her text. His response was erm yeah probably but I haven't read it yet. My mom told him to hurry up and get here as things were moving way faster than we all thought! LO was born on 6th august at 2.52am same day as his dad was born except 20 years later (the one day of the year I didn't want him to be born!). His dad wasn't there, not even at the hospital. He got dropped by his girlfriend at 4.45am. A few weeks ago I asked why he was late. He told me he was having birthday sex with his new girlfriend at the time.
Anyway, I thought things would get better from here. Maybe he would get a job, place to live, pay me what he owes, be reliable, on time and overall just acting like a responsible parent.
My son is now 5 months old.. I haven't seen a penny of the money he owes even though there was a couple of weeks where he was working, let alone money to support LO. He didn't buy him a Christmas present, he doesn't turn up on time that's if he turns up at all. I have a wide variety of excuses including, I've got the shits I ate something bad last night which I get almost every week. Or I slept in. Or I I've lost my Oyster card. Any excuse I've probably heard it. Sometimes he goes weeks not seeing LO then calls saying he misses him.
Due to him being so unreliable I got the baby registered and used my surname instead of a double barrel and didn't even put him on the certificate as motivation to do the right thing. That hasn't worked. He can go on there anyway but I actually don't think he cares..!
I've tried cutting his days from mon wed Thurs 12-1 to Monday and Thursday 12-1.
I've tried telling him if he's more than 5 minutes late he's not coming.
I've tried setting payment dates, only for the money he owes me not even money towards LO. That hasn't worked.
I've even tried the laid back approach being flexible letting him come a couple of hour later if he woke up late or letting him come the next day if he missed it completely.
I've even tried playing happy families with him now he's broken up with his girlfriend. We slept together a couple of times and we would go for lunch and do cute things as a family. - NOT HAPPENING AGAIN! lol.
I don't even let him take LO out for an hour as I can't rely on him to answer the phone when I want to check in and I definitely cant rely on him to bring DS back on time. When he visits I'm constantly watching trying to teach him but if he had of been here every time or even most times he should've been I wouldn't have to teach him! I know he's capable, that's what makes it so much more annoying! The saddest part is his family know what he's like so they're all 100% behind any decisions I make.
It really does drain me. I do everything for LO and I'm not saying I need help but I come from a close family, married parents, a big house, nice things and a dog and that's how I imagined my LOs life to be. I do my best for LO, I pay for him, I feed him, I put clothes on his back and I've had absolutely no contribution from his dad, I just don't understand why? Is he not ashamed of himself? I don't mind doing it because that's what moms do, anything to make baba smile but sometimes I just want more for DS. Even though we aren't together I don't see a reason why he can't step up and be the dad he's supposed to be. The most frustrating part is he's so good with LO - on the once maybe twice a week he sees him. I feel like I have 2 kids!
I know people might say oh he'll figure it out soon but that's what I was saying in April when I found out I was pregnant here we are 9 months later and he's still doing nothing but using the benefit system and giving nothing back to society. Not trying to better his life even though he's in a position millions of people would kill to be in.
I'm basically just posting to see what you guys would do and/or if anyone's going through anything similar. I'm open to everyone's opinions
I would fisrtly go to the CMS..It will cost £20 but it will mean he will be expected to pay £7 a week. At least it pays for a little.
Secondly You need to offer contact little and often and tell him he needs to turn up as your did before. If he is late don't bother. You need to take any of you out of the situation.
You can't make him be a good dad. Do remove your personal relationship from this..If he calls talk about your DS nothing more. If he doesn't turn up don't contact. If he cancels say ok...He now has to take responsibility for his relationship with his son. At this age your DS is so young if it fizzles out he won;t remember, if he decides to step up then great. If he misses contact because he is late then he waits till the next contact ..No exceptions...Put yourself in charge.. Don't play happy families as you aren't however that doesn't mean he can't be a parent.
Thank you for your advice it really does help to hear this from someone other than my mom. It really is just so bad because he has the best personality which makes it hard to be mad at him and I just forget what he's done or not forget but put it to the back of my mind! I will try these things and hopefully it will make it easier to not take it so personally every time. Thank you
I have told him £20 a week until he pays what he owes and then £20 a week for LO starting after that. If he doesn't comply then I will definitely be getting legal help with the money for LO.
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