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Contact I genuinely can't bear the thought

(7 Posts)
peachy2410 Sun 15-Jan-17 22:54:34

New to lone parenting and trying to agree contact for 14 month old. Dad has hardly ever had her on his own and never for longer than an hour. History of verbal abuse and flying off the handle verbally (and threw bucket of water over me while we were in bed) at me, but is ok with baby in general. Trying to agree contact without going to court ideally but not sure if I'm doing the right thing! I've said he needs to build my trust up by looking after her at mine while I nip our and build it up over next few months. He wants to take her to his mother's next weekend!! I'll be honest I don't like them- they spoilt my lg's christening, are irresponsible (thought it was ok to let a 9mth Staffordshire bull terrier lick lg's face! - his mother was holding her and did nothing to stop it so I jumped in!), think it's acceptable to smoke and then put smokey fingers near/in her mouth (again I've stopped it!). Her dad says he won't let her to harm, I'm so worried at least before we split I could protect her! Lg hates the car and has never been alone in car with him.

Thanks if you've read this far! I just don't know what to do, I'm so worried. Part of me thinks she'll be ok for an hour, but I won't be there to make sure! I know i sound like control freak but I just want my lg to be happy and safe! Wwyd? Her dad is so manipulative he gets mad when he doesn't get his way, I just don't feel strong enough for this!

peachy2410 Mon 16-Jan-17 07:07:37

Bump.... if anyone's out there....

peachy2410 Mon 16-Jan-17 20:49:24

Can anyone help?

Lovelilies Mon 16-Jan-17 20:56:05

Didn't want to read and run. I felt the same when I split with ExP for the first time.
It made me feel sick the thought of DS (11m) being alone with him.
I can't remember how we got through it TBH, we even got back together for a while (one of the reasons being I didn't want to have to pack him off to ExP on his own when he needed me!) I remember he didn't have him over night until he was nearer 2 though, I BF til 18m.
DS is 3 now and is a bit 'meh' about going to his Dads but does enjoy it when he's there (I think) plus I get a nice break!
If he won't agree to your approach, then mediation may be useful. You'd need to do this before going to court anyway.
Thankfully we have avoided court (so far).
Good luck.
It's shit. But you'll be ok flowers

peachy2410 Mon 16-Jan-17 21:03:10

Oh thank you! I'm so worried and have stayed so far after his blow outs as I wanted to avoid contact. That gives me hope! I still BF and can't imagine leaving her for a minute let alone overnight. Meh would suit me fine and I live in hope he'll get bored!xx

SanFranBear Mon 16-Jan-17 21:06:48

I agree with the idea of mediation actually. Whilst not as formal as court, it will lay it down that you're serious about your concerns but are also willing to talk them through and give him a chance. Sounds awful though and I don't think you're wrong to have serious misgivings.

Good luck flowers

CL12345 Tue 17-Jan-17 07:32:51

Your ex sounds very much like DC'd dad!
Verbal abuse and generally quite immature and irresponsible (smokey fingers, let baby on changing table and leave the room...); never took care of DC before we split, but he's their father, so deep down he loves them immensely and would care for them as well as he can.

We started by short and frequent visitations at mine (DC was 3.5 month); at first I was in the same room, then in a different room. It lasted for 5 months like this. Made me sick each time, as his presence upsets me greatly, but DC loves their dad and they get along quite well.
When I started trusted him, I asked him to care for them at his place for short period of time. It was difficult to let go of my baby, but this is also his and again, he generally/usually has their best interest at heart.

I think your approach is right but be prepared to be more open and flexible. It is very hard to let go, but this is in your child, your exP and your best interest.
I would let him bring your child to his mother, show that you are willing to work together. You will have to in the end, anyway!
Maybe try to restrict the visit to an hour or so? You could also pick her up directly at his mother?

Good luck flowers

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