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Ex ignoring DC's medical needs?

(27 Posts)
NoCapes Sun 15-Jan-17 20:53:54

My ex has recently (finally) got himself a flat
So he's had the 3 DC (7,5 & 1) overnight twice now

The first time he had them, DS1(7) came home wheezy and struggling, turns out ex had 'forgotten' to give him his in-haler both before bed and in the morning
I spoke to him about it and obviously made it very clear that this wasn't something he could just 'forget'
Also told DS he was old enough to take a bit of responsibility himself and remind Ex if he forgets

He had them again on Friday night, DS2(1) has food allergies (CMPA & soya) I sent all of his food and milk with clear instructions as to what to have and when
Ex gave him semi-skimmed milk on his weetabix for breakfast, DS2 came home with diarrhoea and blisters all over his bum and was up lots in the night with stomach ache (usual reaction)
Ex knows the battle I've had with figuring out what he was allergic to and was witness to the months and months of no sleep while we didn't know, and has seen the turn around in him since we figured it out - he knows
his answer was 'it was only a bit, he'll be alright in the morning'

Wtf do I do now?
There are a few other niggly things that I've let go (the semi-skimmed milk for example, DS1 is on a weight gain diet and should have full fat) but these 2 things are pretty fucking serious stuff and I just don't feel like my kids are being looked after - but I can't just stop sending them? Can I?
Obviously I want them to have a relationship with him (and I need a fucking break sometimes!) but he isn't caring for them?
He's not really the kind of guy you can have a reasonable conversation with

Any advice on where to go from here?

NoCapes Sun 15-Jan-17 21:03:10

This disappeared from Active really quickly so just giving it a slight nudge blush

GlitteryFluff Sun 15-Jan-17 21:09:27

I've no advice but he sounds like an arse. Instead of an 'oh shit I totally didn't twig', it was 'nah it's fine, DC now is poorly and sore but never mind...'
Bumping for you.

JassyRadlett Sun 15-Jan-17 21:11:32

I have no experience at all in this area but just wanted to give my huge sympathies. What a twat.

Wouldn't knowingly feeding a child something they are allergic to or not giving them vital medication be classed as neglect, at a minimum?

Your poor babies. What a shit of a man.

NoCapes Sun 15-Jan-17 21:16:20

Thank you both

I did wonder whether it would be classed as neglect too

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer Sun 15-Jan-17 21:17:11

Are there solicitors or anything involved with your contact arrangements? If so then you should maybe have a word with them. If I was in your shoes then I would be seriously considering taking overnights off the table and sticking to daytime contact. Hope your ds is feeling better now. flowers

MonsieurBing Sun 15-Jan-17 21:17:42

Are you able to get a health care professional to put in writing what he should be doing and the consequences of 'forgetting?' He might take it better if it doesn't come from you

Wallywobbles Sun 15-Jan-17 21:19:17

Do take photos if possible.

TheABC Sun 15-Jan-17 21:20:46

Another bump. If I recall from your previous threads No Capes, your ex is a controlling arse and it's perfectly possible he is doing this because he knows you will have to deal with the consequences. I can't give advice on the legalities, but I would start with the assumption if his actions will harm the kids, it will need to be shorter visits or supervised breaks only until they are old enough to monitor their medication / allergies themselves

IDontWantThisOnFacebook Sun 15-Jan-17 21:24:06

That's seriously shit sad Totally sympathise with the inhaler thing, I think my dh is in denial that our 3yo needs his (brown and blue, morning and night). I remind him every day, and if I go away for a night or something I come home to a wheezy ds. I moan at dh about it but he never changes.

I too think getting something in writing about the health conditions and medicines/food etc from a health professional would be a good idea. Don't know how you'd go about it though sorry. Do you think it would help? Or would he ignore?

I can't believe loving parents put their kids through unnecessary suffering.

AthenasOwl Sun 15-Jan-17 21:25:04

It's absolutely negligent. He knows full well about the children's medical needs and he's blatantly disregarding them!
I would reconsider sending them to him if he can't properly look after them.
Mismanaged asthma is no joke and I can't imagine the discomfort your lo was in with the effects of an allergy.

NoCapes Sun 15-Jan-17 22:04:38

We've had official diagnosis's and the baby has had allergy tests, so I'm not sure how much more 'in writing' I could get really?

We didn't go through solicitors or anything, just made arrangements between us, going down a legal route would cause a whole shitstorm of drama I'm sure, but maybe that's the next step
But then I'm not sure a solicitor telling him to look after his kids properly would be much different than me telling him, or just you know, common sense?!


confuugled1 Mon 16-Jan-17 00:41:15

I would start to send email / texts (ie a proof trail!) both before they go with a standard reminder with all the details of the important and not so important stuff with reasons why and the consequences for your dc so he has no comeback about knowing or not knowing - it's awful that he can knowingly cause harm and pain to his own dc!!

I'd also follow up each visit (daily or overnight) with a standard well done for remembering to do xx this time / despite being reminded about xx you failed to ensure the health and safety of your dc by doing yy /not doing xx. This has resulted in horrible consequence zz for dc. This is the 3rd time (insert number) you have failed at this in the past month/year. This is not acceptable behaviour from a father who should love his dc and know their medical issues, particularly when xx/yy has such serious and uncomfortable consequences for dc. If this happens ahain I will be contacting ??? regarding supervised visitation as you do not appear to be concerned with the health or safety of yoyr dc.

If you work out a template for both scenarios, kept very factual and impersonal, slightly condescending, and then you can show that you have been trying to keep your dc safe and he has no excuse...

NoCapes Mon 16-Jan-17 12:43:02

We already pretty much only communicate through text, he can be very manipulative so I like to have a paper trail, I also can't get my thoughts straight when I talk to him in person because he talks me round in circles so I like to be able to really think about what I'm writing
Saying that I gave him instructions (how fucking ridiculous that he needs instructions to look after his own kids?!!) in person

I just don't know how comfortable I am to even send them again - how many chances you get when you're actually making your children ill?

MycatsaPirate Mon 16-Jan-17 12:48:03

I would send him an email or text reminding him of what is required when caring for his dc.

Then state that this is the final chance and if he fails to remember to do basic medical care then they will not be going to him again.

Then let him take you to court. Poor kids.

Lovemusic33 Mon 16-Jan-17 12:52:02

Keep a note of everything that happens.

I am in a similar position, my dd has Autsim and has also had bladder problems (infections) on and off for a while, exdh has not met her needs when he has her and I am now worried and unsure what to do sad, I don't want to stop him seeing her but I'm left to pick up the pieces when she gets home.

ageingrunner Mon 16-Jan-17 12:52:36

I wouldn't send them, at least for now. They're not safe are they, especially your ds with asthma. I know it's shit when you don't get a break but you can't trust him. He might be trying to get out of having them overnight. What a hole he sounds angry

NoCapes Mon 16-Jan-17 12:58:06

Lovemusic it's so hard isn't it
I genuinely want them to have a relationship, I want them to be close to him and eventually I want them to consider themselves as having two homes, not home + Dads house, but obviously their health and safety has to be absolutely paramount

Plus, I'll be honest with you, I spend a lot of my life trying not to piss him off, and if I stop then going or stop overnights it's just going to open up a whole can of worms, I'm just not strong enough to deal with him when he's pissed off with me atm

Lovemusic33 Mon 16-Jan-17 13:04:24

It is hard, my dd doesn't stay over night so he only has her one day a week, I need that day away from her ( I need a break ), ex has got a new girlfriend and I thought this would improve things as she has children but she's just as useless as he is. Last weekend dd was poorly with a infection, she needed to be encouraged to drink and I told him not to take her out, when I got her home that evening I found out she had not had a drink all day and that he had taken her out to visit family, she was screaming all night as she was in pain from a water infection. This weekend was pretty much the same sad. He's not a bad dad and I'm pleased he wants to see her but I'm left with the aftermouth and a ill child.

I don't want to have to sort access out through court, I don't want to stop him being in her life but I don't want her to be ill either. I am going to suggest that he has her for less hours but then that gives me less time to do anything.

Petalbird Mon 16-Jan-17 13:06:42

Think you need to get the kids to remember really. It has taken my DP about 10 months (we see them monthly for overnight) to remember his DD needs her ear plugs to be showered I still have to remind him sometimes and he is yet to learn his eldest doesn't like chocolate...

NoCapes Mon 16-Jan-17 13:08:25

Petal DS2 (the one with allergies) is 14 months old, not quite old enough to be sorting his own food out and reminding incompetent adults how to adult yet unfortunately

NoCapes Mon 16-Jan-17 13:10:22

Lovemusic your poor DD, I'm suffering with a UTI myself atm and it's bloody agony, poor thing
Do you have anyone else to give you a break?
I'm lucky that my Mum is fab and has the DC for me whenever I ask really, so I don't need ex in that way

Lovemusic33 Mon 16-Jan-17 13:16:30

I do have my mum but she works some weekends, I'm lucky to have good family. It's got to the point with ex where I can no longer make plans for the weekend because I don't know if he can cope all day with dd, this week she had to come home early.

Petalbird Mon 16-Jan-17 13:19:26

Could you get the oldest one to remember as a back up?

Berthatydfil Mon 16-Jan-17 13:31:14

I can't see how it is reasonable to make a child responsible for the health needs of an infant, when both children have a competent parent overseeing their diet and medication whilst having contact with that parent.
It's really not fair on both children especially when the older child's needs aren't being met either.

If this was me I would be documenting it and informing him via a recordable medium (text or email) that his actions are not that if a loving parent and border on neglect.
I would be taking both to a health professional as soon as I could get an appointment to get this noted also.
I might also contact social services for advice on whether this was neglect.
And then I would be informing him that unless he can look after their health needs that overnight / unsupervised contact would cease.

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