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Dating advice please

(15 Posts)
Lostsoul231 Sun 15-Jan-17 20:05:32

As a lone parent of school age teens (exh has no regular contact with my children) and elderly parents who can't come over very often to oversee the kids, how do you go about dating?

Also, when/if I do meet someone, I feel embarrassed about having to ask my parents to stay over at mine with my teens so I could occasionally stay at new bfs house (obviously can't ask potential new bf to stay at mine as my teens are here).

My parents are very old fashioned so it makes me feel awkward for an overnighter. Also feels like I'm asking permission to have a life which I find embarrassing and a little demeaning but I have no one else to ask but my parents.

Sure there's lots of other lone parents in the same situation. What do you do?

booksandcoffee Sun 15-Jan-17 20:17:42

My DP has two kids who were teenagers when we got together. For the first few weeks we just dated out, with my DP being home by midnight, or I visited and left before the kids were in bed. Within a month I was staying over. The kids seem pretty much unscathed. The older DSC was 16 so could be respossible for his sibling whilst we were out. Is your oldest old enough to do the same? Good luck.

Lostsoul231 Sun 15-Jan-17 20:44:04

Thanks books andcoffee. Mine are a little younger, both under 16.

Furthermore, I wouldn't want to introduce someone to them so soon as within a month of meeting.

How long was it before you met his kids and how long before you stayed over?

Lostsoul231 Mon 16-Jan-17 11:59:03

Anyone?? Any lone parents out there??

Evergreen777 Mon 16-Jan-17 12:04:58

Mine were a little younger when I was dating, and did go to their dad's a bit, which helped. Can't be easy with teens that are too old to be fobbed off with a "friend" popping round informally, but too young to leave overnight.

You can do the first part of dating OK though with teens - as presumably you can leave them for an evening without a sitter. You can also start up a sex life at your new BF's house, just not staying over.

What about sleepovers? Could you fix up one for each DC? Or any friends who'd have them both?

But you don't really need to think too far ahead - it might be quite a while of dating before you're at the stage of wanting to stay overnight with someone.

Lostsoul231 Mon 16-Jan-17 14:04:20

Call me old fashioned but I wouldn't have sex without staying the night together etc. Doesn't feel right me me somehow.
Anyone else feel that way?

Lovelilies Mon 16-Jan-17 20:49:54

It's just the actual sleeping bit you wouldn't be doing though. You can have daytime and evening dates, then cross the over night bridge when you get to it.
Could you smuggle DP in? And turf him out without the DC noticing? I imagine they are in their rooms a lot?
You need to get creative 😉

Lostsoul231 Mon 16-Jan-17 21:03:40

I get where you're coming from but I wouldn't sneak around like that
Lovelilies. I don't think it would be fair on my kids or the guy (and very embarrassing for both parties if they bumped into each other on the landing)!!

OFFFS Tue 17-Jan-17 17:19:54

I introduced after nearly two years and he hasn't stayed the night whilst the DCs are here.

Start having their friends over for sleepovers. Then when they go to theirs, you get a night in.

We get an occasional night in a local hotel (sign up for emails and discounts). Otherwise day time sex which is wonderful. Honestly, get over having to spend the night together (and the snoring/farting) that you think should come afterwards and have a few hours putting a smile on your face. smile

Lostsoul231 Tue 17-Jan-17 18:56:20

I guess so OFFFS. The kids do have the odd sleepover at friends but they are typical teens so it's usually arranged last minute and rarely both of them on the same night.

I think one of my hang ups about dating is that most other single women have more free time than me. Either they don't have children or their children have regular contact (often every other weekend and one night midweek) with their other parent.

Makes me wonder whether it's even worth me trying to have a new relationship. From my previous dating experiences it seems that most men want someone who has more free time for them than I can offer.

Makes me feel I can't move on with my life in the way I'd like

OFFFS Tue 17-Jan-17 19:59:33

Oh lostsoul I do hear you. But you have to carve out your future. What will we have in a few years otherwise? And we are women. Not just mothers. We need to get out there, feel good about ourselves, and be individuals.

Maybe dating isn't the answer at the moment. Perhaps it's just time out you need. Do you have friends with whom you could go and kick your heels up with? I don't mean trawling bars for men, but glad rags and belly laughs?

I feel exactly like you do. There's an assumption we get every-other weekend child free. We DONT. My ex has one child, one night. Lovely for whichever DC is blessed with telly and a takeaway with dad, but I still have the others. He will look after all of them - but not at his, only at mine. For someone who subjected me to years of abuse, I kind of don't want him in my home.

Look, I think the key to it is to not impact on the kids. Children by nature are selfish and egotistical. If you can date in a way that doesn't impact, they will be ok. We probably have children similar ages (plus I have pre-teens too) and I have worked hard to ensure minimum upheaval.

Your kids will trust your judgement. Don't introduce anyone unless you are absolutely sure they have a long term role in your life (took me two years).

And day time sex is brilliant. wink

Lostsoul231 Tue 17-Jan-17 20:18:09

Thanks

I have been divorced 13 years and I've had a couple of serious relationships since but my last big wanted to take me away for holidays and weekends etc which was lovely but I just couldn't do that as much as he'd have liked.

My kids come first.

Feel like I'll be on the shelf forever at this rate!! hmm

Lostsoul231 Tue 17-Jan-17 20:20:52

but my last bf wanted to take me away
(stupid fat fingers) confused

dabbingcheddar Wed 18-Jan-17 21:25:53

I have the same problem. Teenage boys live with me. I don't even have the luxury of my parents looking after them. Maybe destined to be like this forever!!!!

Lostsoul231 Wed 18-Jan-17 22:58:21

It's tough isn't it cheddar. What are your dating experiences so far as a lone parent?

I'm 43 next week. Been on my own since I was 29. Never imagined I'd still be single after 13 years but it's so hard to meet someone who understands my responsibilities and lack of free time.

Hoping dating will get easier as the kids get older. smile

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