This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
AIBU to give up dream job?(19 Posts)
I have recently gone back to work. DS is 11, year 7 but a young 11 year old. I am a lone parent, he is an only child.
After working hard on a degree and looking for jobs for over a year, I have managed to land myself my dream job.
I'm just not sure DS is ready for this. I am training at the moment, but eventually I will be starting earlier which means I need to leave DS to get ready on his own in the mornings. He has been trying so hard to be supportive and had assured me he was fine for me to leave early this morning. I had to return home 20 mins after I'd started my journey as DS was feeling "sick and shaky." DS does get quite anxious and it triggers psychosomatic symptoms. He has not come down with anything so I know this was the case. He also admitted he thought he could hear 'noises'
the cats in the bathroom after I'd left.
Sometimes I will have the opportunity to work afternoons from home. Other times I won't be home until 5:30pm - 6:30pm. DS is home by 3:10pm so I also worry about him being at home alone for too long. Most of the time he is fine on his own but every now and again he gets freaked out by something or another
it's always the cats. I'm sure he'd prefer me to be home.
This actual job itself is ideal and very hard to come by. It's also term time. But DS is my priority and I don't want him to feel I'm not there for him. My mum comes once a week at least. If I give this job up...then what? I've spent a year looking for work and jobs that fit around children are like gold dust. I was considering being a TA as earlier finish but even that would require an early start.
I'm exhausted after my first week at work, I have PMT, I am feeling immensely guilty re DS and I just don't know what to do for the best.
Can you not arrange breakfast and after school clubs? I personally feel it's inappropriate to leave him alone like this.
Can you get someone to come to your house as you leave and back from say 16:00 so your DS is not alone? I put an advert in the paper for exactly what I wanted and got perfect person who my DS loved and all worked out!
Is there a nice neighbour who might help you out? Older /no kids maybe?
MrsSkeffington DS hates school and prefers to spend the least amount of time as possible there. There are no breakfast clubs and any after school clubs are for particular activities (that he doesn't want to take part in) and only go on until 4:30pm. Out of interest, what amount of time would you consider appropriate for an 11 year old?
Insabbathstheatre If I can get enough help with childcare costs, this could be an option. I don't get child maintenance and my wages are not great so could not afford it otherwise. How old is your DS? I doubt I'd find anyone to come in the mornings for just one hour though?
Ilovecaindingle I have only been living here a year. There is a lady opposite me who has three kids but I can't really ask anyone do to this on a regular basis as a favour. A few months back, I was on my way home from somewhere and on the phone to DS. While on the phone to me, he bit into his sweet which made his slightly wobbly tooth fall out and it was a very bloody affair. He started freaking out on the phone, I kept urging him to go to this neighbour but he just wouldn't go.
I think 11 is fine to be left for shoet periods, depending on the child. Sadly your DS doesn't sound ready. I'd worry that as he doesn't like school he wouldn't go as you're not their to push him out the door on time!
OTOH it is ridiculous to give up your dream job. Term time hours are a blessing.
When your mums up how long is she around? Before and after school? Or just for after school. And do/can you work from home every week on certain afternoons?
Xmasfairy86 there would be no danger of DS not going to school, as much as he dislikes it he hates getting into trouble at school and is very well behaved. I know re term time! My mum would never come in the morning, she comes after school time. I will be delivering workshops in schools and afternoon bookings are usually at 1pm. The idea is, if the school is closer to my home, then I can go and work from home as it's no point travelling to work (hour distance from home). I could perhaps speak to my line manager about the possibility of always going straight home regardless of where the school is.
My DS is at college now - but was great solution until he was 12/13 (also hated school and didn't go much after that - but that is a whole different thread!). Turned was someone from around the corner so was lucky - but you may be too - and they grow up v. quick so don't give up your dream job if possible - good luck
Sorry - 'turned out was ' etc!
Give it time. He's had a big adjustment moving up to high school anyway (I've had a very anxious term with my 11 year-old). If you give up this job you may find one that requires even less palatable compromises.
I wouldn't be happy leaving my ds to get ready in the morning, he'd probably be alright in the afternoon as he comes in and settles down with the telly/Lego/PS4.
What time can he actually go into school? Ours opens the doors at 08:00 for breakfast, with the bell at 08:35.
I really would try to find someone who could come in for an hour in the morning - you won't know until you try.
Another thought do you have enough room at home for an au pair? Might be worth a try - this is the option I would have tried had we had a spare room.
The job sounds good - term time only in particular - so it'd be best not to give it up IMO and seek ways to help DS with his anxiety, eg some childcare.
At 11 I would say half an hour and a nip to the shops scenario. You said yourself he's a young 11 as well
tribpot I'm assuming his school also opens at 8am - will need to check - so I guess it's a possibility, even though he'd hate it. However, sometimes he has trouble sleeping and I hate getting him up earlier than needed. Tonight for example, he was shattered, but was so worried about a Science test tomorrow he couldn't sleep so I had to spend some time talking him down.
No Insabbathstheatre no room (or money!) for an au pair.
I thought what I could do, is speak to my line manager about my situation and see if she'd be willing to let me work from home more. My other thought is, that this is just not working out and I'd be better off looking for a Teaching Assistant job closer to home. Same term time benefits, but less hours. Although early mornings may still be a problem.
I'm finding 8 hours + 2 hours journey is too much out of the day. DS has learning difficulties and needs my supervision during homework, on top of all the household chores. I'm just finding it hard to fit it all in.
Sorry no room for an au pair (they can be quite reasonable from a cost perspective). Try the ad - but perhaps a chat with your line manager might help clarify what is best for you and your DS - I do wish you well though.
My school is open from sever and we run pre school activities and homework club after school. Might be an idea?
Insabbathstheatre thank you, my line manager just happens to be off sick so looking forward to speaking with her when she gets back. I've also just sent my CV to DS' old primary school, just a 10 minute walk which would be ideal.
wannabestressfree is that a primary school? Anyway, DS hates school. He had a panic attack about going in this morning. He wants to spend as least amount of time there as possible.
No it's a secondary, to be honest you need to work and if home alone is too difficult at the mo I would be encouraging more in school activities. After all he has at least another four heads there.
Crikey- can't believe there's a suggestion of only leaving an 11 year old, year 7 child 30 mins to nip to the shops! How on earth will they develop any life skills!
I think 5.30/6 is fine for this age and my own do this several times a week. I also occasionally leave earlier than they do. They get back at 4 and know they have to txt me to say they're back and are allowed a snack and can get in with their homework.
Don't give up your dream job- instead work on developing his confidence and life skills. At 11 he should be able to go to the shops etc
Please login first.