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School trips, access and other fun chats with ex [hmm]

(3 Posts)
isupposeitsverynice Sun 08-Jan-17 20:34:08

It's relevant to this tale to know that I used to live in the same town as ex and have now moved about five miles away. Also that a couple of years ago DS really, really wanted to go on a school trip that I just couldn't afford, and after the event ex told me I should have booked DS on and he (ex) would have paid half. Finally, as ex can't drive I drop DS off and pick him up every time he goes there - between 26 and 30 weekends of the year, at a rough guess.

So this year the residental trip letters come home and I duly sign DS up and fork out a rather eye-watering amount of money to pay for it, and let ex know the amounts. This was in autumn, probably October/November. I chased ex (politely) for at least some of the money by text on Friday.

Then when I dropped DS round there, ex's girlfriend sent DS to his room and ex (imo, rather pompously) informed me that he didn't want to fall out or anything, but while he was happy to contribute this time, I should realise that he pays his maintenance and so there really is no obligation for him to pay for this sort of thing, and so I shouldn't expect him to do so in future. (Don't know why his girlfriend needed to be there for this cosy little chat)

I am RAGING. I've done all the running around for access/visitation/whatever it's called now for the last three years - I've bent over backwards ever since ex left us to ensure that he maintained a strong relationship with DS. I am rather inclined to tell ex that he's right, we don't want to fall out over things we're not obligated to do, so he can sort his own fucking access out from now on as I won't be doing any more driving on his behalf. Clearly, if I do this, we are going to fall out. But I am really tired of just sucking up his shitty behaviour and keeping on, taking the moral high ground. It just gets me more bullying and shitty behaviour. Am I being hideously unreasonable? My mum says I need to put my foot down once and for all - she had similar with my own dad. My husband agrees. I do, and I want to do it, I'm just concerned about the fall out. If you've managed to slog your way through my tedious whinge then any opinions are gratefully received (unless they disagree, then they can naff off wink)

Whoknows11 Sun 08-Jan-17 20:49:03

I'm with you! Maintenance puts a roof over their head, feeds and clothes them. Extras should be spilt 50/50!! And if he's not willing to then I'd let your child know and inform your ex that his selfishness will come back to bite him hard!!x

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 09-Jan-17 13:58:59

I'm with you on some of this... However, if your ex hasn't moved and you have then it is on you to facilitate contact, it's to do with you having made the change not because of him not driving. I know you're very angry right not but could you let him know that from now on you're going to be doing half the driving and he'll have to sort the other one. I'd suggest you offer to pick them up rather than drop them off, then you definitely get them back at the agreed end of each contact visit.

My DH does all the driving despite his ex having moved bloody miles away without ever discussing it with him and after promising the court she'd stay in the town they'd both lived in. It's ridiculous but he's not prepared for the DC to suffer because she's a pain in the arse.

On the money side, I can see why you think the previous experience made it seem like in future he'd pay half and so you went ahead. Whatever the agreement between you (it sounds vague if there is one) about this sort of spending it wouldn't have been hard to drop him a message saying based on what he'd said in the past you hoped he'd still be up for splitting a forthcoming trip with you, you'd be booking it once you had confirmation from him, and you'd need his share by x.

His wanky tone has obviously set you but it could all have been avoided if you'd confirmed it in advance rather than chasing him about it afterwards.

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