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V nervous about telling my children I'm dating starting next weekend

(13 Posts)
Pollyanna9 Sun 08-Jan-17 19:25:56

So essentially I've put myself back on the dating market and been chatting to a few decent sounding chaps in my area. Probs going to meet up with one for a quick drink at a local pub next weekend. We have great same sense of humour, work ethic, kids of similar ages and he's close to where I live. Not sure if I'll fancy him but I won't know if I don't try!

However, this is the issue.

My last partner (the one that came after my XH/divorce). We lived together all of us and sadly it wasn't until a good while into things that I found out he used cocaine and we did the 'I've stopped using' / 'I've found out you're using again' dance for a few years largely due to my naivety about drug usage cycles that addicts go through and all that stuff - I've never run with any crowds that used drugs, I'm quite happy with a glass of white wine. Anyhoo, I think because of the stress around this as it was happening and other things (he also had a MH problem) I was drinking a bit too much at that time (not an alcoholic but getting a bit too pissed at times). And I'm deeply ashamed of that.

This guy didn't have much experience of children and sometimes didn't know when to end a joke so his joking around with the kids sometimes edged into a bit bullying-like. Anyway, it ended and we are in a different house and i never see him. All is good with me and the kids and I've been committedly single for 5 years.

DD (14) I think has an inkling that I might be looking at dating to the extent that she keeps hanging on to the camera I wanted to use for some dating website piccies and the other day she said (half-joking) 'I'm your boyfriend mummy').

For her she's had a LOT of loss this past year. Total rejection by all of her friendship group due to one agitating girl, loss of her BFF, and a dad that can't be arsed to see her.

So I'm quite nervous about introducing the fact that I'm popping out for a quick drink this coming weekend.... I don't quite know how to broach it.

I also think though that if I do find a guy who I both fancy and is also nice human being, it could be very positive for her and also for DS. His dad is a weak-ass man who doesn't do bugger all to help DS gain confidence and face new challenges. He does little 1:1 with him - bonding man to man time. So there is the possibility for it to be very good for both children and for both of them and also DD, for it to plug a hole where there's a dad figure missing. It would do her good especially to see a male adult figure who isn't a total bell end.

Any tips from anyone who's got back on the ride, on how to approach/word it/go about it?

CauliflowerSqueeze Sun 08-Jan-17 19:27:22

Why tell her?

DearMrDilkington Sun 08-Jan-17 19:29:08

You don't need to tell them surely?! I'd only say something to them if I had been seeing the same person for a good amount of time and wondered if the dc would be interested in meeting them.

Ilovecaindingle Sun 08-Jan-17 19:30:53

No news to tell her yet.
When he is def going to be a figure in her life then tell her.

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 08-Jan-17 19:33:58

I'm a single parent with similar aged kids and wouldn't announce anything until I'd been on at least a handful of dates. I think it would realistically take that long to work out what you wanted from them and vice versa. Until then I would say that I was going out with a friend. Telling her that it's a date could make her worry as she'll be aware of Internet dating being a possible source of catfishers.

Pollyanna9 Sun 08-Jan-17 19:34:33

There is though because I don't ever go out. Ever. Ever ever. I'm not wanting to lie and pretend I'm going out with mates when I'm not (as I haven't got any!!).

I certainly wouldn't be saying here's the new love of my life, just it's a quick meet up to see if he seems non-mental!

JudithTaverner Sun 08-Jan-17 19:35:40

aren't you jumping the gun a little bit? You don't need to tell them who you're going out for a drink with. Don't tell them until he becomes a boyfriend (ime - and even then only after a while). I didn't tell my children about my first boyfriend after my divorce and they never met him.

TheMartiansAreInvadingUs Sun 08-Jan-17 19:38:25

I would say that you are just going to meet up with a friend. And yes it is a new friend she doesn't know about because she can't possibly know everything about you and your life.
Don't mention a potential bf or that you are dating. For one this is not her problems dn she shouldnt be involved at all with the 'I've met someone, oh it doesn't work'.
But also, as you say, she has enough on her plate to not add some stress about a potential bf, and the changes that could come with it.

Pollyanna9 Sun 08-Jan-17 19:40:08

I can't fly under the radar with it though, that's the problem. It will be totally noticeable.

And can I make it clear. I am NOT intending to assume or sell him as 'the love of my life, mum's future boyfriend'!

I'm also not lying about going out because if I don't tell the truth, it will be lying, and because I don't get dressed up and go out at any other time so they will definitely know...

Sorry, hope that makes some sense. I can understand people would assume that I could quite easily pop out and it not be noticeable, because other people do manage to go out with friends etc, but that's not the case for me.

TheMartiansAreInvadingUs Sun 08-Jan-17 19:40:23

And YY about waiting befire yu even start mentioning a potential bf. I would wit a few moths to try and see if this is something that might last or not.

It's OK if your dd sees you starting to go out again. You can easily say that both of them are old enough that you feel you can nip our for two hours wo being worried. Or that you finally have a bit more time for yourself. Or that your NY resolution to go out more and make friends.

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 08-Jan-17 19:54:49

I would tell your dd that as a NY Resolution, you want to make more adult friends and that you're going out for a drink with someone called Mike. (random name here)
Until you've had a few dates, I think that you should call these guys friends so that you're not over-sharing with the kids who will think that anybody over the age of 30 shouldn't be snogging etc. If you mention the same name a few times, your kids are likely to ask if he is a bf which will be the time to announce.

Pollyanna9 Sun 08-Jan-17 20:02:30

Ok. Weirdly my two mates who I used to hang out with a fair bit last year were both fellas so the idea of me having male friends isn't alien to them.

Pollyanna9 Sun 08-Jan-17 20:04:36

Thanks for the direction and ideas of how to approach it.

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