Should I just give up on this?(9 Posts)
I've been single since I was 3 months pregnant, under not great circumstances (baby's dad harassed me to the point I needed police to get involved to ban him from contacting me, and although I've offered him supervised contact with dd, he has countered this with demanding a DNA test first etc so it had been pretty stressful) but I have been making the best of things and on the whole have managed to stay pretty positive. I joined an Nct antenatal class but unfortunately missed the first two classes due to being on holiday then getting the day wrong, so I always felt a bit of an outsider both because the others already knew each other and because I was the only single one. I actually found the classes quite upsetting, everyone was very nice but it was a big reminder that I was alone and a lot of the class content was aimed at couples which made me feel quite awkward at times. But anyway I persisted as I was determined to not be scared away or daunted by it. Ever since, the group which consists of eight couples has kept in touch although mainly it's the women via a WhatsApp group. Two things recently have made me question whether I should really just leave the group and not bother anymore. At Christmas one of the women sent a message to everyone in the group along the lines of "hope you all enjoy your first special Christmas as a family of three" which did sting a bit as not only did it remind me that I was not in a family of three but it also made me feel as though she had forgotten that I existed. And the other thing is the next meet-up that is planned is for everyone including partners. And I'm really dreading being confronted with so many 'families of three'. When I'm on my own or with friends it doesn't bother me so much at all, in fact I'm able to see that there are certain advantages in being a single parent such as not having to compromise on big decisions and not having to put effort into a relationship as well as looking after a baby so I'm not particularly feeling sorry for myself at all! I just find myself dreading the next meet up with the rest of the group. Should I just give up on it? Part of me thinks I shouldn't because I don't like giving up on things and I feel like you should do things that make you feel uncomfortable sometimes but on the other hand I don't really enjoy it!
You don't need this. You are not giving up! Sometimes the stronger thing to do is walk away. You are left with negative feelings when in fact you strike me as a very positive and brave person. Unless there are any in the group whose company you love I would skip away with a grin. At best they are a little tactless at worst they have deliberately left you feeling excluded. Their loss if that is the case.
You're not "giving up" - you are choosing not to do something that's causing you to feel negatively. I've been alone since I was a few months' pregnant (DD now 19) and totally understand where you are. Concentrate on people who make you feel happy and positive - there will be plenty!
It's not giving up to put distance between yourself and people who Bridget Jones would certainly have described as Smug Marrieds. It's standing up for who you are and who you want around you. I'm sure the comment was tactless rather than intentionally hurtful but really, who has time for that?
Thank you! I think I do struggle with 'giving up' especially with regard to social situations because it's not something (being sociable, especially in groups) that comes naturally to me and I've always had to almost force myself to make an effort to make friends with people. Having said that I do have several very close friends and it was never a struggle to befriend them. I guess the right people come into your life fairly easily and stay there! So yes you're right, I'm going to do myself a favour and just walk away from this group. There are are a couple of them that are really nice but even so I don't think I would've ever become friends with them on an individual basis so there's not really much point in forcing myself to continue!
plenty of lovely mums out here that don't come in a clique.
I too went to NCT as a single person and found it difficult. The couples weren't unfriendly, but it's a very particular demographic and sometimes they would say things relating to life as a couple without thinking about my own circumstances. One man in particular kept on referencing how everyone in the group was married etc and I thought hang on! I felt very conscious to prove myself and what the life of my child would be like and in the end it wasn't worth how insignificant and below par I felt. That said, I'm sure it wasn't down to nastiness, just lack of awareness. Families come in all shapes and sizes, not only the nuclear narrative and there is as much love in any of them.
Thanks Spacey (and everyone else that's commented) you're right, they're not being deliberately exclusive, I just don't really fit in with them, and that's fine! I feel relieved at the thought of not having to force myself to any more meet-ups so it's obviously the right thing to do!
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