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What can I DO!!!

(10 Posts)
Pollyanna9 Thu 24-Nov-16 08:13:49

So DD (14) has had major contact issues with her DD. Him and his family emotionally abuse her and wreck her self esteem in the most casual way, have no understanding of what they've done to her/are in complete denial, and it all came to a head (as I predicted in 2012) in Easter of this year when she was about to get out of the car and go to her dad's for the week but she broke down (and I mean she really broke down) and just couldn't do it. She's been unable to go to his for contact since - she just can't do it any more.

Since Easter then he's spent time with her twice (both times at my suggestion and both times for no more than 1.5 hours). And twice he's been to the house to collect her brother for contact and totally not asked to or spent any time with her. So you get the picture.

But she misses her family (his side). She WANTS to spend time with them. She wants to spend time with him but he's an utter wanker bell ended c-word and he won't budge a strict interpretation of the contact order which was actually written when she was 7 years old...). She's going down in a couple of weekends for the first time in ages - I'm worried - she's putting her hands into the bear trap again but if she wants to go then I support her wishes to do so but won't be surprised if she experiences more damaging interactions/incidents.

But that's not the problem I'm posting about.

Every year she makes a PowerPoint of her Xmas pressie list. We emailed it to her father (I use the term loosely) and her GPs on 28 Oct. 3 days later the GPs responded showing which presents they were covering and confirming they'd been ordered. Cool.

We're still waiting for the response from her dad. He's said twice that he 'will look at the list and get back asap' - but he hasn't. This, once again, is yet another thing making her feel like absolute shit.

I've contacted him twice about this and she still hasn't had any response of the kind she wants. I know it's upsetting her because she asked me the other day can I order these items for her 'cos daddy's not going to get them for me'. She absolutely loves Christmas and is excited - and he's just being an utter arsehole making her wait - and wait - and wait - for what? Because his missus tells him he can't respond yet (wouldn't be surprised)?

Rrrrr it makes me so MAD! On the one hand I want to text him and say FFS you utter piece of shite, get back to your daughter! Say "Yes DD, course we'll get you what's left on your list!!" but NO, we've got to have drama and unresponsiveness at every EFFING turn and he's got to 'examine the list' (apparently) to see 'which' items he'll be getting - which items, on a gift list of a grand total of £70?!! They've just done up their conservatory and he's bought a new motorbike so sorry but if you've got money for that, you should have it for your DD!

Can you see how over years and years of having contact, when things like this are repeated umpteen times in differing ways, how utterly demoralising it's become for my DD? I wouldn't mind but she's such a love and she gets treated like the twat of the family. Out of all the grandchildren she's probably ranking about number 4 and what's worse of course is she knows it.

Do I text him AGAIN and ask for him to get back to her (helping to ease daughter's suffering if he does finally respond) or ignore the wazzock (thus extending daughter's suffering if he doesn't get back)?

Lweji Thu 24-Nov-16 08:22:20

DS has voluntarily stopped contact with his dad this year, at 11 years old, for context.

What I've found less stressful was for DS to tell his dad what he wanted from him. Like a list of two, at most.

It was still hit and miss, as one year his dad decided he would give something ds hadn't asked for and his dad sent him something he already had and used rarely, and too small for DS.

I'd decide on what I'd get her and tell him, and if he wanted to be an arse about it, then it'd be his problem.

Pollyanna9 Thu 24-Nov-16 08:48:38

I think to some extent she's being punished for the fact she's not going down to see him like she used to. No matter what I say they do not comprehend that she had an absolute mental break sitting in the back of the car - the significance of such an outpouring of emotion is completely lost on that entire family. That she's had to resort to NC is lost on them or their part in it.

She DID tell him what it was she wanted, I simply emailed it for her. Tbh had we asked for one item he'd still be dicking around umming and ahhing about it like the tight fisted pillock that he is.

Lweji Thu 24-Nov-16 08:51:58

Yes, but the trick is not to let it bother you.

As a mother, I might be writing to him telling him about how he's ruining his relationship with her.
On her side, I'd be telling her that in his antics, he's the one losing out.
Does she need anything she asked for?

Pollyanna9 Thu 24-Nov-16 09:03:01

Hmmm Lweji - I'm not sure it can 'not bother you' when you know the person you love is being hurt, upset and damaged by it...

I have written to him about what he's doing to her - total waste of time

Of course I tell her he's an arsehole (but obviously worded more subtly than that) and telling her that she's fab and it's not her fault (but of course she WILL feel it's her and she WILL feel it's her fault because children always do). It's small consolation to hear 'it's not you it's him'! At the end of the day the child's still getting ignored and still getting treated like crap and still feeling shit because of it.

Does she need anything she asked for? It's a Xmas list so probably not - define' need'. It's clothes mostly, a book - this is a daft question, sorry Lweji. We don't have a lot of money so she's largely just asked for clothes (one item of which was a pair of trainers which she's getting from her GPs anyway). I kinda don't think this is a relevant question really, sorry.

Lweji Thu 24-Nov-16 09:48:06

I meant in terms of her not letting it get to her, not you personally.
Of course it hurts to see a child suffer.

Your reply does show it's a relevant question.
I'd normally try to detach and just assume he'd give nothing, even tell him not to bother.
But if you don't have enough cash and his presents make a difference, it's less easy to do so. Still, I'd advise both of you to detach as much as possible and expect as little as possible from him.

I have to say you seem to get easily rattled, even by someone who's trying to help.
That is not a good place to be when dealing with these people. You do have to let it wash over you and transmit that frame of mind to your child. She is better off without the abuse and she's better off not expecting anything from him. He'll just use it for more manipulation and abuse.

Starlight2345 Thu 24-Nov-16 09:54:40

It is important at this age you just support her in what she wants to do.

I think the email should of come from her..The reason been Ex may think it is you putting words in her mouth.

She is now of an age where she can make the decisions.

If he has not replied about xmas presents can you email him and say if you don't reply by ....I shall assume you aren't getting anything off the list and will sort out what I am going to buy.

It is tragic to see them hurt however she has to work out what she wants for herself and she may get hurt by ex a fair few more times..You can only pick up the pieces.

Of course privately rant about what a complete arsehole he is been... But for her...I will support you whatever you decide and if you change your mind again that is ok too.

Pollyanna9 Thu 24-Nov-16 15:04:33

Hi Starlight. One of the reasons it is sometimes me who communicates with her dad is that she asks me to and wants me to - not her. She finds it excruciating talking to him on the phone, hates it when he face times her, finds his texts upsetting... He constantly, constantly bombards her with pictures of her half sister doing this and her half sister doing that - that's why his interest lies, it doesn't lie with her so all she ever gets if it reinforced that she's absolutely at the bottom of the pile. So it's not me doing it for her or forcing her to get her to let me do it, it's her choice.

And you know there's another example which shows you why and how badly that misfires on her when she does do it. Recently she asked me to text him and ask if she could come down to see him a particular weekend but could she bring a friend. Now she has done this before so it shouldn't be a problem. No no says her dad it needs to be just you. Now this is her first visit since Easter so no wonder she's a bit trepidatious not least in how her step'mum' is going to be with her. So she's get a big fat no. Weeks go by and she's missing her family so she says to me could I go down on such and such a weekend so I say yes course you can. Can I ask daddy myself - yes, absolutely, of course you can. So she messages him. No response. Days and days and days and days go by. Still no response. She's put herself out there, she's given up the option of having a 'wingman' with her to buffer things after such a long time away, and he ignores it - even though she's offered a visit there that TOTALLY meets his criteria.

She was GUTTED about the lack of reaction.

And just for the record to everyone, I AM letting her drive it. I've been v v ultra careful to let it come from her and I cannot understand the responses here which infer that I'm interfering getting in her face forcing it to be me that communicates with him not her - that simply is not the case.

Please don't confuse my absolute hatred of this sad pathetic man with me making all the decisions for her. From the moment she broke down at Easter I knew she needed control and she has had it. The only things outside her control of course are the fact that her dad is a weak soulless tightfisted man who literally doesn't have a heart. I was able to do something about that - I divorced him.

I've already brought all her presents - I'm not picking up his as well jesus!!!! Why wouldn't he want to buy her presents at Xmas - that's just not normal is it. It's not even £70 worth of stuff she's asked for from him - I've already spent £190 on her and £190 on her brother so him getting the few pressies that are left over shouldn't be anything of an issue - well, not for a normal human being anyway.

Thanks guys, I'm not contacting him. The more she tries to have contact of any kind the worse it will be and she will indeed as you say be hurt multiple times more before she's ready to give it up - but at the moment the inherent loss of contact with that side of her family is very difficult for her to accept because family means the absolute world to her.

Pollyanna9 Thu 24-Nov-16 15:05:16

it's her that wants me to communicate with him not ME that wants to communicate with him (it should say, sorry)

Starlight2345 Thu 24-Nov-16 19:10:53

I misunderstood..I thought there was a list you got what the others didn't..If you are done then you can simply leave him to it..Either he lets her down ( again) or she gets what she wants ...

I didn't think you were coming from a bad place..I am wondering if ex see's it as not her words but yours..He is not going to admit he is screwing up relationship.

One thing I learnt was that my Ex stopped listening to me when we were married and he isn't going to listen to me now.

It is awful when the only other person who should put your DC first doesn't

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