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On my own again

(28 Posts)
Pixieb34 Tue 22-Nov-16 18:01:30

Hi everyone,

Just looking to see if anyone is in a similar situation and sees a light at the end of a very dismal tunnel?

My partner of 2 1/2 yrs left me two months ago. Just walked out. He lived with me and my two sons. I haven't heard from him since, just completely cut me off.
This was my first relationship since I divorced 6 years ago and I totally trusted him. Took a while after a very traumatic divorce.

Anyway, so here I am, on my own again...I'm finding it very difficult to comes to terms with it. Very lonely and extremely disillusioned with everything.

Has anyone been through a second break up? I thought I'd cope better since I've lived alone before but I'm struggling.

Thanks,
Pixie

w92viking Fri 02-Dec-16 09:29:11

Hi Pixie

I am in very similar situation. Girlfriend left me because I didn't want to move in together too soon (9 months together) and she would never let it go. Plus she hated me spending anytime alone with my kids and didn't like it that I get on ok with my kids mum in a coparenting way. It had been 1.5 years and other than the above was amazing. She had 2 kids same as me and everyone got on great, did loads of stuff together trips holidays birthdays etc. She left and jumped straight into a new relationship within a couple of weeks with a guy she knew when we were together. I'm totally devastated it feel like losing a family second time except this time there are two kids I never get to see again. It's been three months and still I'm struggling. Just started councilling to help. I totally feel for you. You must feel so down. Just know your not alone in this and you will get through it

Pixieb34 Fri 02-Dec-16 18:31:59

Hello!!!
Thank you so much for your reply. I was beginning to think I was the only one!

I really feel for you...it must be incredibly difficult to see her move on so quickly. I've no idea what my ex is doing as he has cut me off completely from the day he walked out. And I avoid seeing anything to do with him (Facebook, mutual friends) as I just couldn't take seeing him move on.

I get totally what you mean about losing another family. My ex had a daughter and me and my sons never even got to say goodbye, after spending every other weekend, holidays, birthdays, christmas together.
I'm also doing counselling, had 5 sessions had it has helped. I hope it helps you too. But the loss is still the loss and it's difficult to deal with no matter what.
Pixie x

w92viking Fri 02-Dec-16 23:33:13

Good luck Pixie and take care of yourself you'll get there. Sending happy thoughts your way

w92viking Thu 08-Dec-16 18:51:35

Hey pixie hope you having a good week!

Pixieb34 Thu 08-Dec-16 19:41:36

Hey!! I'm not too bad, I'm getting better but still miss him so much. Wish I didn't because I know it wasn't right for me and they way he treated me and my children was cowardly at best, but....guess you can't help your feelings!
How are you doing? Well I hope? Have you started the counselling?
Pixie x

pinkpixie83 Thu 08-Dec-16 20:54:51

Same here, boyfriend of two and a bit years has cut me off.
We weren't living together but were getting close.
I feel awful, and my daughter is missing his daughter too, but I've tried his sister and mum to help me get them together but they won't as apparently this was what I wanted!
I'm gutted and so lonely. I actually took my 6 year old to bed with me the other night as I couldn't face another night of being in bed alone.

It seems so much harder this time but I'm putting that down to no closure. Heartbroken is the word.

Hopefully we will all get through it. Onwards and upwards isn't that what they say.

Pixieb34 Thu 08-Dec-16 21:27:20

PinkPixie...You're not alone, I know how you feel. And you're right, no closure just makes it so much worse and harder to process.

How long as it been since he ended things?

It's coming up to 3 months for me and it is getting better. I honestly thought I couldn't live without him, but I got up every day and carried on for my children. Glad I did.

Big hugs, you will get through...and I have my cat with me at bedtime so I'm not alone!!!
Pixie x

pinkpixie83 Thu 08-Dec-16 21:55:58

I haven't seen him since mid October when we spent a lovely weekend together, then he went off on holiday. There was a few dodgy messages and the last I heard was mid November telling me he was hurting too but he's ignored all my contact even voicemails in tears telling him I still love him.

It's silly really, and I'm feeling like it's probably my fault.

I just feel like I'm treating water and focusing on getting through Christmas, for the kids but then dreading the period without them after.

Thanks for your kind words and pleased to hear you feel slightly better.

Pixieb34 Fri 09-Dec-16 17:47:55

It's not been long really...you love him and that doesn't just disappear, it's takes time to deal with what's happened.
I blamed myself but when I look back I can see that the problems were there, I just didn't want to face it fully...and not being able to have things come to a conclusion meant I just kept (and still do) going over it all again and again. It has eased now though...

You will get through Christmas cos you'll do it for your children. I know how you feel about after though, mine will be going to their dads after and spending new year with him and I'll be on my own. Not looking forward to that at all.

Get your feelings out on here, I found it helped me, and I've also found a wonderful counsellor who I can talk to about everything.

Hugs, Pixie x

Squashberry Sat 24-Dec-16 08:19:24

Hello, not sure I count as being in the same situation as still living with him. But we were together 2.5 years and relationship has completely broken down. Me and my children will have relocate in a few months time, when contract for this place ends. I've got no family, friends or support. I wish I'd never met him to be honest. I used to be so strong and independent because I had to be. Being with him I got used to have someone care about me for the first time in my life and help me. I'm terrified of having to do it alone again now. sad x

Pixieb34 Sat 24-Dec-16 15:15:08

Hey Squashberry,
All your feelings are very familiar to me...I was the same, I cut my hours to spend more time as a family and then him leaving has put me in a really bad situation financially (as well the heartbreak!). I'll never trust or rely on anyone ever again!!
I think still living together must be so stressful for you.
Not sure about you, but Xmas just makes it all worse!!
I know it's not much, but I hope even posting on here gives you a little support. You are not on your own with your feelings, I feel it too! Sending you positive thoughts...
Pixie x

Squashberry Mon 26-Dec-16 02:45:41

It is incredibly stressful. In a few months time my children and I will have to move out of here. I am financially dependent on him, he pays rent, bills, car etc and I only work 5 hours a week at the moment due to childcare/mental health. I believed all his promises of a future together "forever". My children adore him and his family. I'm so heartbroken. I literally told him everything, really opened up to him, loved him the best way I could but it wasn't good enough. Don't know what I'm more upset about the fact this "happily ever after" is ruined or thay my children lives will turn upside down.

How did your boys take it? Hows Christmas been? X

Pixieb34 Mon 26-Dec-16 12:07:50

Hi...
Well, I got through Christmas Day!! I am very lucky to have a supportive family, so that made it easier.
I hope that you and your children had a good day...or you at least got through it ok.
It really is heartbreaking when everything you believed for your future just falls apart. I thought I'd found my happy ever after. He was the love of my life...but I wasn't his (despite him telling me I was only days before he disappeared out of my life without a trace!!).
Life feels incredibly cruel...and it is for us right now.
My boys really looked up to him and respected him as a father figure. They loved him. They still talk about him...my eldest in particular is still very hurt by him just leaving and not saying goodbye. They both feel very let down, and it's been hard for me to explain it as I don't really understand it myself!
They've got me though, and your children have you and that's the main thing. Your love is the most important, and despite having their lives changed by what's happened, you will be the constant, that's what matters.
Let me know how your doing...sending you happy thoughts today 😊
Pixie x

Squashberry Tue 27-Dec-16 14:52:57

I glad Christmas went okay and it's fab you have a supportive family.
My little ones apparently had "the best Christmas ever" which is brilliant. Seeing them happy was great but unfortunately didn't put my mind off everything else going on, I had to run and hide during Christmas dinner as I couldn't stop myself from crying. Luckily they didn't notice.
He's actually left to stay with his parents for a week. I'm glad to have some space. I think the fact we live together has made it so difficult, its literally like I living with a stranger. Having said that I couldn't imagine if he'd just upped and left with no explanation like your partner did you . Have you heard from your ex yet? I can't believe he'd be so selfish, especially when they are children involved.
You're right though. Our kids have us, our love, our support, out strength. I'm determined I will have my happily ever after, prince or not, ha. I've set myself some little goals that are doable, to distract myself and move forward and I've promised to start taking better care of myself.
Hope you're doing good, or as good as possible x

Pixieb34 Wed 28-Dec-16 10:34:38

That's lovely that your children had a brilliant Christmas!! Goes to show what an amazing mum you must be to keep things going the way you have for them.
I love your idea of setting little goals, I think I'm going to do the same!!

My ex hasn't contacted me once since his last text a week after he left demanding I transfer his share of our savings. He was so cold. I don't feel like I ever knew him as to me and my family he was a lovely man who acted like he cared deeply for us, but literally changed over night! I tried to contact him 2 weeks ago but got no response...set me back to feeling like I did when he first left, not nice!!
Anyway, I went on a date last night...lovely man and I had a good time. But I know I'm not remotely ready for any kind of relationship. As much as I hate it, I'm still in love with my ex...sad but true.

Hope the new year brings us happier times!!
Pixie x

w92viking Thu 29-Dec-16 20:38:11

Glad you doing ok. I am still struggling to get her out of my head. Xmas was difficult but good. My girls had a great time. They still talk about her and miss her. I can't stop analysising for everything I must have done wrong. Was hard seeing her with new guy just before Xmas. Took him to see the kids Xmas play. Is it just me or does that not just seem off, obviously introducing new guy to kids in such small timeframe? They used to call me Dad and in only 3 months or maybe less she's openly seeing new guy with them. I feel for the kids. Must be very confusing. At yet still i miss her. Still doing councilling. Not sure how effective it's being. Very confused and feel like I have seriously screwed up.

w92viking Thu 29-Dec-16 20:40:45

Ps it's really not helping that she still keeps saying hi to me, asks about my kids and her kids run up and give me hugs and tell me they miss me. What is going through her head.

Pixieb34 Thu 29-Dec-16 22:32:52

I wish I could give you answer as to why some people behave as they do...in hurtful and harmful ways sometimes.
My ex completely cut me and my children out of his life...my kids don't understand it really and I feel guilty as I know that it has harmed them. Wish I could take it all back and have never met him.
Have you considered having no contact with your ex? It's something much easier to say and very much more difficult to do I know, but it's clear the contact is causing you pain and maybe some distance may give you some breathing space from it?
I would love nothing better than to hear from my ex but I know it would only cause me pain in the long run so I guess he's doing me a favour (doesn't feel that way though no matter how many people tell me otherwise!).
I know lots of 'experts' advocate the no contact rule...I've had no choice in it but I think it may help in some cases?
I'm around if you want to post over new year....I'm dreading it, we had 3 nights away booked from tomorrow and I had to cancel it, heartbreaking
Pixie x

w92viking Thu 29-Dec-16 23:21:59

Hey Pixie. Been trying NC for 2.5 months. Trouble is kids all go same school so some contact inevitable. Yes I could say please make sure your kids don't approach me but it seems harsh on them it's not their fault. Same with mine, I'm not sure it's right to stop them saying hi if they want and they all play together at school. Not fair to tell them they can't play with friends. Ah this was so much easier before kids! Next time I will avoid someone from same area! She lives literally 5 mins walk away! I'll have this for the next 3 years!

Pixieb34 Thu 29-Dec-16 23:53:27

I totally understand, that must be so very difficult. I wouldn't stop the children, it's not their fault and they don't understand... Perhaps you could tell your ex though that you would like to limit contact, she doesn't need to chat to you, and you could attempt to avoid situations where you know you might have contact.
I've had to limit contact with my neighbor as he is good friends with my ex and I couldn't take that he still saw him etc and I didn't...sounds extreme but it just cuts it off a little more for me.
I'm told this all gets easier with time...it's got to surely!!
Pixie x

w92viking Sun 01-Jan-17 09:40:05

Happy New Year everyone I hope 2017 brings you all the happiness you deserve

Pixieb34 Sun 01-Jan-17 13:09:38

Happy New Year!!! Here's to a fabulous 2017 xx

w92viking Tue 17-Jan-17 15:12:13

How you doing Pixie?

I'm ok. But I still want to get back together. I'm sure all the issues were insecurities. Wish we could have dealt with them, worked through them. We were so happy to start with. We could have had a great future. I imagined her in a wedding dress. So many things I could have done better.

Pixieb34 Tue 17-Jan-17 16:43:26

Hi Viking...

I totally understand those feelings...it's hard not to think of how differently things could have been...think that's because we saw that how our futures would be and it's all been taken away.
My ex got in touch on New Year's Eve...was awful but it's helped me with a bit more closure. He only wanted to know what I had done with a trailer we jointly owned since he'd visited a neighbour and saw it wasn't on my drive. Felt like I'd been kicked, again. But it's helped me see how little he thought of me and how I'm wasting my time crying over and thinking about someone who thinks nothing of me.
I know it's easy to say but please try not to torture yourself with what could have been. In the end it can't be changed, and I'm sure you did what you felt right at the time.
I've started dating again, was going well but feeling a bit bruised today from a good date but no contact afterwards. I know it's par for the course, and while it's hard it is making me see I can move on in time.
Pixie x

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