This is a Premium feature
To use this feature subscribe to Mumsnet Premium - get first access to new features see fewer ads, and support Mumsnet.Start using Mumsnet Premium
Should i allow contact again after he didn't bring her home(6 Posts)
My daughter is 10 she has had a very sporadic relationship with her dad, all down to him. Prior to June this year, he had been saying her as and when he got in touch with me to say he was free, which worked out to a sunday afternoon every week or every other week. I had been pestering him during this time to agree to a scheduled contact arrangement that he would have to stick to, as the inconsistency was affecting my daughter negatively. However, he said he couldn't possibly to commit to such a thing.
Then one weekend in June, it was her half brothers birthday, they were going out for the day, so her father asked if he could have her for the whole day, She was to come back later, no time specified but before tea time agreed. I agreed to this as my daughter adores her half brother, and always misses him because of her limited contact with her father. However, afternoon came, and despite me texting a couple of times to find out when she was back, I had heard nothing. She had left Saturday morning, happy and looking forward to coming back later as we had planned to have a roast dinner and watch a film.
Then the bomb shell came, a text from her father to say he would not be returning her home, she had made accusations that I was abusing her and therefore he had made the decision to keep hold of her and apply for emergency residency orders on monday morning. He said my daughter did not want to speak with me as she was afraid. And that they weren't going to be staying at his address but that he was taking her elsewhere as they were afraid of me turning up.
I called the police, they would not help, as she was with her father, who has parental responsibilities. I called SS who confirmed he had made a complaint of abuse to them a week earlier, it had yet to be followed up. As it was a Saturday evening there was no one to help until Monday. I again called the police, who agreed to contact him and arrange a visit to him so that they could confirm my daughter was safe and well but they couldn't remove her from him because he is her father. I even hold a residency order which had been made 3 years previous, attached to this was a contact order that her father had never stuck to. But they still said they couldn't do anything. They did their checks and confirmed they had seen her and she was fine. I cried my eyes out all night, I was distraught, he has always been unpredictable and I still didnt know where exactly she was.
Come the next morning, I again called police and SS but was still refused any help. So rightly or wrongly, I took matters into my own hands and went to his address. He was now at this address and so was my daughter. I knocked the door and told him I would not leave until I had my daughter back. He briefly let me see her and talk to her but as it appeared I was close to getting her to leave with me, he grabbed her and took her in the house slamming the door in my face. I again, sat outside, knocking repeatedly and refusing to leave, he called the police and they came. After much explaining of the situation, I left with my daughter and we walked hand in hand home.
I later talked it through with her and she told me how her father had convinced her I had abused her by raising my voice to her the previous weekend when she refused to go to bed. She had wanted to come home and she had wanted to speak to me on the phone but wasn't allowed. She was bribed with promises of sweets and treats and a fun sleepover at daddys that mummy didn't mind about. A social services report had to be carried out due to the accusations which came back with no concerns and case closed.
My daughter has not seen her father since as I have not allowed her to go to his house since, which I think is understandable given his actions. I have told him I am not stopping him see her, that he is welcome to come to our house and spend time with her and I will keep out the way. Or I will meet him at the park or in town and they can spend some time together whilst I monitor from a distance.
He has refused all these options, he has never acknowledged what he did as wrong, he refuses to be supervised by me or anyone else just purely on pride. And so she hasn't seen him, because I don't think any parent in their right mind would let their child go there after what happened.
This was 6 months ago and he still texts from time to time to ask if she can come over for a few hours, my response is always the same 'she can't go there but you are welcome to visit her here'. I can't afford a solicitor to take him to court to set up any other arrangement, however I have told him if he chose to take me to court then I would welcome this as a solid agreement with set times etc would ease my nerves. I have also told him that perhaps if he had agreed to some supervised contact and demonstrated some willing over the past 6 months then maybe we would now be at a stage where he may be trusted with some time on his own with her.
I'm at a loss really, my daughter misses her father and half siblings, but I am terrified of letting her go there unsupervised and him pulling the same stunt again, perhaps worse this time, and taking her further afield.
Sorry its such an essay, any advice greatly appreciated.
no, I would not let her go. I would continue to offer contact at your house. keep a record of all the contact offered in case he decides to go to court.
I absolutely would not let her go unsupervised...
I would have a stock response...Same sentence..Don't change the words a copy and paste type response..
It will send the message this won't change...I would not go unsupervised without going to court to ensure that your DD is returned should he keep her.
Thanks guys. I know that's what I need to do, but you start to doubt yourself sometimes. And with Christmas coming I can feel the pressure more to try and sort something because obviously she wants to see her dad and his family at Christmas.
I have to remind myself that this is all not solely my responsibility and that he created this situation and needs to take responsibility for it.
He had also in the couple of months prior to the event paid his first ever maintenance payments (in 10 years!) but they promptly stopped after the event. He also has hundreds of pounds worth of arrears so I need to get on to the CSA or whatever they are now
Do contact the CMS...You go through CMO..They will deal with areas from when you open the case...So open as soon as you can.
I felt the same with my ex over Christmas ..However my ex had decided he wasn't going back to the contact centre.You aren't stopping him visiting though he is refusing to do it supervised.
As far as he is concerned I am stopping him. but he lives in cloud la la land. I've just got to try and stick to my guns because I know that is what is best. Despite any emotional blackmail that comes my way such as the following:
'I'm done with this, if I am as bad a dad as you make out then she is better off without me (wholly agree with that) and I will wait till she is older and comes to find me. I've had 12 years of this (she's 10 btw) you win. Tell her I love her and always think about her and will be waiting for her'.
Soon changed his tune the next day when I asked him about maintenance with 'I ain't paying for some kid I don't see'.
What is wrong with him?
Please login first.