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Anyone else been alone since day one?

(37 Posts)
kineticmagnetic Mon 21-Nov-16 09:54:08

I've been on my own since finding out I was pregnant (split a few days prior to finding out). I love DD but to be honest, lone parenting is tough, really tough.
I am lucky in that my family help as much as they can but I want to know how it feels to be able to discuss the ups and downs of everyday life with someone.

Does anyone want to join me to moan about never having a weekend off/tantrums/tears/taking an hour to go to the corner shop or to talk about the brilliantly wonderful bits which you are desperate to share but have no one to tell?

ninenicknames Tue 22-Nov-16 02:52:26

Waves!

Yes same as as total NC with "donor!"

I'm not in a great place right now, DS has hit 3 years old and turned into a child from hell and I'm not sure how to deal with him.

I'm currently waking in the middle of the night dreading the morning worrying about what mood he will be in.

I'm researching parenting courses at the moment to try and help

It's shit. But I still wouldn't change it

ninenicknames Tue 22-Nov-16 07:06:45

Oh and yes the no time off, no break, giving in because it can be the easy option.

I've just researched a course the Solihull Technique. I'll re post later with details smile

Let today be kind to us both smile

HuckfromScandal Tue 22-Nov-16 07:10:57

Alone since DD was 3.5 and DS was just out the hospital.
It's been really hard. They are all grown now. But totally worth it.

ninenicknames Tue 22-Nov-16 07:11:05

http://solihullapproachparenting.com

ninenicknames Tue 22-Nov-16 07:13:50

Huck - any tips on the bad times, I know it sounds cliche but it can be so hard, lonely, exhausting and I hate the bitterness I can feel at times.

I don't want to feel like that. I want to be the best I can. I don't want DS to be "rude & naughty" and I can't find middle ground with discipline - I end up in tears removing myself from the situation.

HuckfromScandal Tue 22-Nov-16 07:27:39

Tips
My mantra was
"Being bitter is like holding a hot coal and expecting the other person to get burnt"

So - I tried to not hold bitterness towards my ex.

In some ways -'it's easier because if I didn't do it
- it just didn't get done, I had no one to yell and scream at or blame.

I didn't need to be perfect, I just needed to be good enough.
I am a terrible cook. But we always had fruit and veg, but more "fast food" than mumsnet approves of!

And - a very very busy Strict bedtime - becisse bloody hell - I needed them to be in bed and stay there at night!! So I didn't mess about with it!
(I do remember on occasion putting the clocks forward and putting them to bed st 5 on days I had had enough)

HuckfromScandal Tue 22-Nov-16 07:28:34

Oh - and never spend the whole day in the house. Even a walk to the supermarket is better than staying home.

HuckfromScandal Tue 22-Nov-16 07:29:51

And you're allowed to feel like your not coping.
It's okay!
Even parents with a partner feel like that (often)

kineticmagnetic Tue 22-Nov-16 09:09:19

I understand the dread, DD is 6 and a nightmare more than half of the time. I go to bed with her most nights as I'm that shattered, she has the most insane tantrums a few times a day, never in front of strangers or at school-they are saved for me! I'm seriously considering taking her to see our GP about it now.
Hope your mornings are going smoothly today.

ninenicknames Tue 22-Nov-16 10:45:48

What wonderful advice Huck. Thank you flowers

lolo14 Tue 29-Nov-16 03:26:06

I too have been single from the get go. The man I reproduced with turned out to be a prolific criminal so my pregnancy was a depressing time after I found out the truth. It's been hard, I chose to move away and start again, best thing I ever did. Friends support is invaluable. I work full time, get grouchy and tired (ill a lot too due to nursery acquired bugs!) I've found focusing my attention on something new is good

Atenco Tue 29-Nov-16 04:50:31

DS has hit 3 years old and turned into a child from hell

My dd was like that for three weeks when she was two. It turned out that she was upset about something that of course she couldn't express. We had two tantrums before 8 am.

As my dd's father was such an arse, I found that when I wished that I had someone to share my parenting problems with, I would imagine him and what he would say, and then I realised how lucky I was to be on my own.

niceupthedance Tue 29-Nov-16 05:11:53

Me. I was alone from conception to nearly 5. The relentlessness and knowing you have no one to call who can help is horrible. I felt like we could both die and not be discovered for a week. DS also has/had terrible problems with accepting my authority- it's like he sees me as an equal and fights me all the way. We live with my wonderful dp now and life is easier as I have another adult to back me up. I take my hat off to all of you still in the trenches.

charlybear7 Tue 29-Nov-16 21:23:08

Relentless is the key word!

My ex left me when I was 7 months pregnant with our second son. He's now 18 months old and my eldest is 6!

It's tough and I get envious of friends with supportive, 'amazing' husbands! But I look at my children with pride as it's all my doing!

Hang in there and remember it's always ok to say you can't cope and need a break! I go to work for a break!!😂

Atenco Wed 30-Nov-16 05:59:20

Everyone has different circumstances and experiences. As I absolutely love babies and toddlers (though temper tantrums are horrible), the idea of relentless jars with me.

niceupthedance Wed 30-Nov-16 06:11:53

Atenco I suppose it depends on how much support you have. I had no one at all to even get an hour's break for the first 11 months. That was relentless.

BigFatBollocks Wed 30-Nov-16 09:15:26

I'm on my own too! I've got 3. Left dc1's after 6mths. He lasted about 1yr with contact. Dc2&3's dad I never lived with and he was ea so that never lasted and he never bought anything for them or saw them, so with them it was since the beginning so 6.5yrs. With dc1 I've been doing it for 8 .5 yrs. I get no help from anyone including family.
It's a lonely relentless road to walk, which many don't understand. I know loads of single parents whose dc see their dads or who have help, it's gutting (although I'm glad for them). I don't get maintenance either.
But you know what? As tough as this is I'm proud to say that my kids have nice things (I work), and they r doing well at school and I'm often told my children are a credit to me (teachers at school) They r happy.
Fwiw I've haven't had a relationship since I split up with dc2&3's dad and I have no intention of doing so (unless I could completely hide it from the kids).

BigFatBollocks Wed 30-Nov-16 09:18:06

Maybe a support thread for those in our situation whereby there's no contact or support. Somewhere we could have a really good moan.

kineticmagnetic Fri 02-Dec-16 01:47:22

I have such respect for those of you with more than one, I struggle so much with just my DD. I completely agree that she thinks she is my equal, good cop/bad cop just doesn't work when you're alone.

Itsmummydear Sat 17-Dec-16 10:15:40

Hello, I'm a lone from pregnancy - father said "it's a mistake and you've ruined my life" and hasn't replied since to any messages.. have left him to it, has his own issues (gambling) that I know of so isn't worthy of DD time anyway.

Massive guilt over that though, but she's amazing and thriving 11 months old...

I have fantastic support thank god, my mum has DD stay over every Sunday and stays at mine once a week too..

Can I ask how long it took after the birth to feel yourself and your energy return? I'm still not there... lethargy, headaches, dizzy spells, insomnia even though I'm exhausted... grrrrr

Anyone in Mcr area a lone parent with no support I'd be happy to meet for a coffee with the DCs xxx

overthemoon1982 Sat 24-Dec-16 21:08:52

Yes OP, and limited support otherwise wine fsmile

TrickyTreeLou Sat 24-Dec-16 21:17:59

Me too, husband fucked off with another woman and 5 days later I found out I was pregnant. Ds is now 3.5 and my exh has never seen him or shown any desire to be a part of his life. I work part time and have some support from my parents but feel permanently knackered by the pressure to 'be everything' for him. Love him to bits though, of course,.... Just wish it wasn't so tiring!

LobsterQuadrille Sat 24-Dec-16 21:31:30

Yes, I too have been alone from pregnancy (ex H decided he wasn't ready) - clean break, no maintenance or any contact. We were living overseas at the time, I had six weeks' maternity leave (no welfare state) and worked up until birth, then back after six weeks. My parents didn't want me back in the UK as I was a single parent.

DD is 19 and just completed her first term at York University. Looking back, the worst but in my view was coming back to the UK when she was five so I sympathise hugely with anyone who's done it all here. Overseas: all nurseries ran 52 weeks of the year, there were no SAHPs, so we were all pretty much in the same boat.

Plus points in general: never having to run anything past anyone else (e.g schools), never arguing about custody/maintenance, never wondering if she'll be with me over Christmas or holidays. A brilliantly close relationship while still respecting each other's space. One of my friends said recently that I had subconsciously created my ideal housemate - we never argue although during the last 10 weeks, I've got used to my own space.

I can honestly say that I wouldn't change anything and can't imagine life any other way.

WynterBlossom Sat 31-Dec-16 23:15:35

Interested to read people's replies as il be on my own when my baby arrives

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