What does your child maintenance go on?

[confused114]

Just wondering as me and the ex have just had an argument and he's called me selfish and a ' bad mum'

Bit of background, have 2 dcs, eldest one is autistic. Been split up for 2.5 years. We were together for 7 but he cheated, lied etc constantly. When we split up he buggered off to live at the other side of the country. Now he sees the kids every other weekend however this time of year he's cut it down to every other Sunday due to work commitments. He picks them up at about 10, drops them off at 4 and that's it for 2 weeks.

Tbf he's always been pretty good at paying Maintanence. It's always a couple of days late and I have to remind him at least twice that it's due but he always pays it.

Now I do live in quite an expensive part of the country, my rent is very high. BUT as I mentioned avoided, ds is autistic and our house is ideal for him, situated next to the school - which is a good school for him. I have problems every morning getting him to school and I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to live anywhere else and have to get him to school every morning. Exdp has no clue about any of this as he's not involved in ds special needs what so ever.

Anyway kids have recently started new hobbies. Daughter is dancing and son is swimming. Obviously this costs - especially the dancing as she needs the shoes, leotard too etc. I'm struggling for money at the min with Christmas, school have announced 4 school trips that I've paid for, daughters school dinners have gone up so paid for that. Lots of other things to do with the kids too which I worked out I've paid £200 just about this month. Ds LOVES swimming which I'm so happy about, he's getting one to one lessons which so great too. I paid for his lessons which were £60 up until Feb.

Now ds had her first dancing class tonight and loved that too. Rang the ex to see if he could contribute a bit towards it only to get told 'no chance, I pay you enough' he then started going on about how much petrol costs him every other weekend to come here - £80 apparently and maybe I should think about that too. I need to stop being so selfish. I need to move to a cheaper area if I can't afford things. 'Yep I'll just move my ds with special needs out of school, where he's just begging to settle to a brand new area, school where he will probably have the biggest meltdowns, change his life dramatically for the worst and cause his anxiety to go absolutely mental you selfish twat'

Not that this really matters but he's 32 years old, still lives with this mum and dad, pays £40 a week rent to them and earns £3000 a month. He's always bragging about the lifestyle he has. Meanwhile I'm struggling on my own with the kids, especially my ds, never do anything for myself. Can't even afford to get my hair cut. Plus he's having them less time so he can work more and 'earn shit loads of money' but he can't give me an extra £40 maybe for his daughters dance classes? It wouldn't even be that, I could probably afford to pay half of it just.

He thinks the maintenance he gives me - which is £50 per child a week- should cover everything and I shouldn't need to ask for anymore.

So my question is, is he right? Am I being selfish and expecting so much?

He's just rang again now about something else quickly before he goes out for a meal....as I'm here struggling to get my son in the bath because he hates water...not had my tea yet and probably won't bother as I'm that tired I'm just gonna go to bed.

The fact that he isn't really involved in his kids life doesn't usually bother me. I'm their mum, it's us 3 and I absolutely love it even though it is very hard. But when I ask for a little bit of extra help and I get told no.....that's when I start to get all 'I do everything and you do nothing' sort of thing x

[AliceInUnderpants]

I'm not sure what relevance your title question has to your situation, of if you are just having a rant?
To answer, anyway, my ex pays such a negligible amount that it goes into the bank each week and gets swallowed up with general costs, nothing specific. But if I had to guess a value on it, I'd say it maybe paid towards half of the weekly grocery bill.

As for your situation, have you calculated the legal minimum he is obligated to pay, using the CMS calculator? If he is not paying enough - which if he earns £3k a month he may not be, then you should either ask him to increase it in line with their calculation, or get the CMS to sort payments out.
If he is paying the 'correct' amount, then you need to learn to work to the budget you have. There's no point in signing your kids up for all kinds of extras, if you are relying on the stability of an unreliable person to fund it. If he lost his job tomorrow, you would be entitled to around £5 per week from his out of work benefits, IIRC.

[confused114]

I'm just ranting but wanting to know if other parents experience anything like this. Usually I don't ask him for anything extra - infact I never do. But the amount of school stuff I've had to pay the last few weeks has been ridiculous and it's put me back financially wise. And yes, we've done the csa calculator and he does give me the correct amount.

I understand about the clubs/hobbies but I want my dc to do these things. My son needs to learn how to swim anyway. He's 8. I see this as something he has to know how to do if possible. My dds dancing - yes maybe I shouldn't sign her up for it when I'm struggling but out of her little group of friends, she's the only one that doesn't go. I just want her to have something of her own as she has a tough time at home with her brother. I just thought her dad might be understanding of this but clearly not

[charlybear7]

I get you 100%

My ex pays maintenance through cms and I ask him for half of club fees etc to which he's agreeable! He has another baby due in the new year so not sure if he'll be so willing in the future.

Maintenance in my understanding is for the basics e.g. Housing, food and clothes. Everything else I feel needs to be requested for half! If you dont ask you don't get.

Good luck x

[megletthesecond]

Into the pot with everything else.

I don't spend maintenance purely on specific items like dc's clothes, activities etc. They need the mortgage paid, the energy bills paid, food in the fridge and car to take them places.

But we have zero contact with xp so there's no one to complain about how I spend it anyway.

[MangoMoon]

Mine goes into the pot with everything else, like meglet.

We agreed on the maintenance amount being in line with the CM calculator (on gov.uk).

My ex earns around £48k per year and has the kids overnight every week (Friday dinner time to Saturday evening), and one other night a week for tea, plus takes them to their clubs etc too.

He pays the basic+ amount which works out at £520 per calendar month.
(We have 2 kids).

When he goes away with work for any extended period, so doesn't have them at all, he ups the payment to about £620 iirc.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

[imnervous]

Child maintenance gets paid into its own account weekly and I save it until DS needs something.

Fortunately we're not in a position to need the money to live. Good job really as its not much!!!

[MangoMoon]

Forgot to say, he also pays half of any extraordinary costs - for e.g. If there's a big school trip (like a residential), Xmas & birthday stuff etc

[SpaceDinosaur]

£50 a week?
No, that's nowhere near right if he's taking home £3k a month.

You've asked him. He's been a cunt. Get the system involved.

[SpaceDinosaur]

Should be closer to £120.

An additional £80 a month would probably help.

[confused114]

Really spacedinosaur? I will most definitely be looking into this then. I know it goes on how often the father spends with the child and at the minute, it's 6 hours every 14 days :-/ so therefore I thought he would be willing to pay more due to him not even having them for the night at the moment

He's always been one massive massive MASSIVE liar though so getting him at admit what he earns each month won't be easy, maybe I should just go down the csa route. I know he earns more this time of year due to him working extra with xmas coming....I feel so angry at him right now

[mrssapphirebright]

In my opinion cm should go into the resident parents 'pot' and then they budget accordingly. If he is unwilling to pay you a penny more for clothes activities, school stuff etc (and can afford to) then there is nothing you can do about it, it says a lot about him and how much gives a shit about his dc.

However, i do think that if you require a contribution from him for activities then it would be polite to ask him before you sign your dc up, so if he refuses to contribute you accept that if you want your dc to go on the said trip or extra curricular activity then you will se responsible for paying it alone.

[confused114]

Yeah I do agree with I should of maybe asked first. I should of done but it was a last minute thing really. DD was desperate to go but yeah I should of asked him first. I sort of thought £30-£40 wouldn't be an issue for him really tbh. I won't be asking for anything off him again now. Just the next favour he wants from me 'can I miss this weekend/leave early so I can play football?' Will be a firm 'no chance'

[Penfold007]

If he has the DC overnight every other weekend the amount is about right and unfortunately he isn't obliged to give you anymore. Check your in receipt of everything you are entitled to. It sucks but sadly it does come down to budgeting and not being able to afford 'luxuries' such a swimming and dancing lessons.

[SpaceDinosaur]

He has the DC EOW? I missed that bit. I thought it was less than that for some reason because he's a selfish arse

[Starlight2345]

Child Maintenance is worked out on number of nights over the year...

Do you have a rough idea what he earns over the year..Use the CSA calculator to work out what he should be paying.

I get £5 a week so it does very little really.

Look at his maintenance then you need to budget. Some parents are willing to give more than others sounds like your ex is one that isn't.

[confused114]

Well like I say, at the min it's just every other Sunday. After xmas hopefully it will change back to sat and over night till Sunday every other weekend. I think it's just all come at at time when I'm struggling anyway. I've not been well for months now, ds is very hard work at the min etc. I'm so tired, even people are commenting on how tired and stressed I look :-( I've looked at finances and I can probably afford the dancing as long as nothing drastic happens and school doesn't spring anymore money on me. I defo won't be asking him for help in the future. This just reminds me why it's just me and the kids and how much better off we are just us

[Starlight2345]

have you looked at any benefits you may be entitled to DLA, warm weather payments for loan parents.