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Should I break up with my boyfriend

(7 Posts)
Lostsoul231 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:14:50

Today 13:05 Lostsoul231

So where do I begin? I divorced 13 years ago when my children were very young (21 months and 6 weeks old to be precise). I had a tough time, my parents and I became victims of domestic violence at the hands of my ex after I left him and I moved in with my parents with my two babies. I was constantly harrassed by him and got a restraining order against him.
I lost my home through the divorce due to debts my ex husband had incurred behind my back. Despite his behaviour, the courts decided that the children should still have contact with their dad. Maintenance and contact has always been inconsistent on their dad's part. I went back to work when my youngest was 4 months old. After around a year of returning to work, I decided to go to university to study law (I had not had the opportunity when I was younger).
I've worked really hard all these years to provide a stable home environment for my sons. I've always wanted to have a partner though.
Anyway, scroll forward 13 years from when my youngest was born and I find myself in a dilemma.
I've had a few failed short term relationships over the years, (never having lived with anyone) and never being able to afford to buy my own home (which annoys me). I've been in a relationship (on and off) for the last 3 1/2 years with a man who I thought I actually could build a happy future with. I know no relationships are plain sailing and I am willing to work at things but every few months I get these awful feelings that i am fooling myself about a future with him and wonder if we should break up ( we have on occasion for a few weeks or months but always got back together).
The problem always comes back to this. He is selfish and moody although at times he can be supportive.
He met my children after around 5 months of us dating and spent that first Christmas with me and my family. The following April, it was my youngest son's 11th birthday and we went away with my parents for the long Easter weekend. Myself and my parents paid for the trip. He didn't even buy my son a birthday card or present. No Easter eggs either for the kids. I didn't mention it as didn't want to spoil the weekend. Once we got home, I felt the moment had gone. He did contribute towards a meals while we were away but complained about taking the kids bikes with us and them but even using them. This kind of attitude and behaviour has continued throughout the relationship.
The following xnas I was not allowed to join him and his family for Christmas Day as it might upset his son, even though his sons had met me by them. This was despite knowing that I would be alone at Christmas as my sons were with their dad). We broke up for a few months over this as I was very hurt.
I feel he views my sons as "in the way" sometimes. They don't have a regular arrangement with their own dad so are with me most of the time. My parents have helped out a lot over the years if we as a couple want a few days away which we have done a number of times. We have had some lovely holidays but it feels that the thing I really want is missing. He has bought the kids gifts at birthdays and Christmas since but this year, promised my son gig tickets for his 15th birthday however changed his mind when my son spoke disrespectfully to me and my bf on one occasion. This is mean. In my mind gifts are given unconditionally. He buys his own sons gig tickets on a regular basis. He has asked for money back from me too for my gig tickets when we have fallen out. He must have had a prick of conscience and paid me back when I transferred the money to his account for my tickets.
He also has two teenage sons who I have met only a handful of times during the whole time we have been together. It was 18 months into the rekationship that I met them. I had to really push for this.
His teenage kids who are similar age to mine refuse to meet my sons. This upsets my 15 year old. After over three years, I am left wondering how we can ever move our relationship on. I've only met his parents twice also and basically had to give him an ultimatum about meeting them, after being together over a year at the time.
This year I have had a lot of problems with my younger son who is now 13. He started to have problems at school and home around 11 months ago and this has steadily declined to the point where he is not in school at the moment (he's not been permanently excluded) and we are waiting hear from the local LEA about a place at a smaller high school that caters for children with emotional and behavioural needs which I feel would be perfect for him. My son will also start to get counselling soon. It all takes so long with CAMHS.
My bf has been extremely supportive of me throughout this and has put up with a lot from my son this year but I find he does not have much empathy for my son and perceives me as just being too soft with him. It appears to me that he perceives his kids as perfect and mine will never match up to them. He has denied this when I've spoken about it to him. I feel resentful especially because of all the holidays he takes with his kids without me. He has lots of holidays every year with his kids and with mates as he is a keen skier and mountain climber. These are not activities that my kids have ever had the opportunity to try as money has always been tight for me. He is a very high earner with little overheads (he does pay child maintenance to his ex wife but only in proportion to his earnings) whereas, until recently, I have been on an average salary with high housing rent to pay. We have had three holidays with my boys over the three years but no where near as many as he does with his boys or his mates.
He also makes a point of reminding me how much he's financially contributed to any holidays we've had (even though I do pay mine and the boys ways).
If we go away, just the two of us, he does foot the cost and I pay for the odd meal out. I can't complain about that. He does remind me however that he is paying!
All the professionals I have spoken to about my son have said what a great job I am doing In dealing with his problems but my bf is very critical of me.
My bf spends 2 or 3 nights maximum at my home per week. The other night, he put the phone down on me (something he regularly does when he's in a bad mood) and has not called or texted since, despite me texting him a couple of times. To add to this, I was recently made redundant and have had to turn down a new job offer because I need to be at home with my son at the moment, to get him back on track. Money is tighter than ever right now and I resent all the trips my bf goes on with his boys and mates.
He is planning to have xmas with me and my family but is going away skiing for new year with his lads and another family. We have been together 3.5 years and I do not feel our relationship has progressed. I always wanted to have a settled family life and after all this time, it still seems elusive to me. I feel that my bf wants to wait until all the kids have grown and flown the nest before we live together.
I know things are difficult with my 13 year old right now but I doubt if things would be much different in terms of progress even if he was the "perfect" child. I just don't know whether I have a future with my bf. This is the same dilemma I face every few months.
I know life doesn't always go as planned but I never imagined I would still be in this situation after 13 years of divorce and aged 42.
My bf is due to spend xmas with me and my family but is refusing to get an xmas present for my 13 year old son because of his behaviour this year. I suggested to wait until nearer xmas to make that decision as its 6 weeks away yet and he has been making improvements lately now that we are getting a bit of help for him. He says no chance.
Any advice please??

ObsidianWinter Wed 09-Nov-16 15:27:56

I read up to the point where you were describing his behaviour towards your children, and my advice changed from "you can work through it if you both have the same goals" to "yes, break up with him".

No child should be viewed as a burden. I'm a step-parent (although the mother destroyed the relationship between my step-daughter and her dad) and as such I can say with certainty that if your partner wants a relationship with you then he needs to view your children as his own family. This is especially true if their father is inconsistent.

Jinglebellsandv0dka Wed 09-Nov-16 15:30:30

That was hard to read because there are no paragraphs so it will put posters of replying.

He sounds like a bell end. Why does he think he can punish your kids when he wont treat them like family or invest in your relastionship and take it a step further?

Don't have him there on Xmas day making a fucking point about your kids behaviour tell him to not bother coming.

It's ok to be on your own y'know - I was for a few years. You don't have to settle just for the sake of not being alone. He sounds really fucking mean and spiteful. The moaning about the bikes and gig stuff makes it sound like he doesn't actually even like your kids!

Don't be one of those women that continue to put up with some ones shitty personality or behaviour because they have invested a couple of years in and they don't want to be alone.

I bet your sons think he is a dick

FetchezLaVache Wed 09-Nov-16 15:36:36

There's no future in this; he doesn't have your back, he doesn't see you all as a unit. Also, he sounds like a petty-minded arse.

Lostsoul231 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:48:55

It's my first time on here. Sorry about the firman guys! 🙂

Lostsoul231 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:49:24

* Format!! 😂

LJD2 Mon 21-Nov-16 20:25:16

I think it sounds like you and your children deserve a lot better.
I would say a fresh start is in order, you will find someone who loves you and is happy for your children to come first. Good luck

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