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Should I break up with my boyfriend

(17 Posts)
Lostsoul231 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:05:15

Today 13:05 Lostsoul231

So where do I begin? I divorced 13 years ago when my children were very young (21 months and 6 weeks old to be precise). I had a tough time, my parents and I became victims of domestic violence at the hands of my ex after I left him and I moved in with my parents with my two babies. I was constantly harrassed by him and got a restraining order against him.
I lost my home through the divorce due to debts my ex husband had incurred behind my back. Despite his behaviour, the courts decided that the children should still have contact with their dad. Maintenance and contact has always been inconsistent on their dad's part. I went back to work when my youngest was 4 months old. After around a year of returning to work, I decided to go to university to study law (I had not had the opportunity when I was younger).
I've worked really hard all these years to provide a stable home environment for my sons.
Anyway, scroll forward 13 years from when my youngest was born and I find myself in a dilemma.
I've had a few failed short term relationships over the years, (never having lived with anyone) and never being able to afford to buy my own home (which annoys me). I've been in a relationship (on and off) for the last 3 1/2 years with a man who I thought I actually could build a happy future with. I know no relationships are plain sailing and I am willing to work at things but every few months I get these awful feelings that i am fooling myself about a future with him and wonder if we should break up ( we have on occasion for a few weeks or months but always got back together).
The problem always comes back to this. He is selfish and moody although at times he can be supportive.
He met my children after around 5 months of us dating and spent that first Christmas with me and my family. The following April, it was my youngest son's 11th birthday and we went away with my parents for the long Easter weekend. Myself and my parents paid for the trip. He didn't even buy my son a birthday card or present. No Easter eggs either for the kids. I didn't mention it as didn't want to spoil the weekend. Once we got home, I felt the moment had gone. He did contribute towards a meals while we were away but complained about taking the kids bikes with us and them but even using them. This kind of attitude and behaviour has continued throughout the relationship.
The following xnas I was not allowed to join him and his family for Christmas Day as it might upset his son, even though his sons had met me by them. This was despite knowing that I would be alone at Christmas as my sons were with their dad). We broke up for a few months over this as I was very hurt.
I feel he views my sons as "in the way" sometimes. They don't have a regular arrangement with their own dad so are with me most of the time. My parents have helped out a lot over the years if we as a couple want a few days away which we have done a number of times. We have had some lovely holidays but it feels that the thing I really want is missing. He has bought the kids gifts at birthdays and Christmas since but this year, promised my son gig tickets for his 15th birthday however changed his mind when my son spoke disrespectfully to me and my bf on one occasion. This is mean. In my mind gifts are given unconditionally. He buys his own sons gig tickets on a regular basis. He has asked for money back from me too for my gig tickets when we have fallen out. He must have had a prick of conscience and paid me back when I transferred the money to his account for my tickets.
He also has two teenage sons who I have met only a handful of times during the whole time we have been together. It was 18 months into the rekationship that I met them. I had to really push for this.
His teenage kids who are similar age to mine refuse to meet my sons. This upsets my 15 year old. After over three years, I am left wondering how we can ever move our relationship on. I've only met his parents twice also and basically had to give him an ultimatum about meeting them, after being together over a year at the time.
This year I have had a lot of problems with my younger son who is now 13. He started to have problems at school and home around 11 months ago and this has steadily declined to the point where he is not in school at the moment (he's not been permanently excluded) and we are waiting hear from the local LEA about a place at a smaller high school that caters for children with emotional and behavioural needs which I feel would be perfect for him. My son will also start to get counselling soon. It all takes so long with CAMHS.
My bf has been extremely supportive of me throughout this and has put up with a lot from my son this year but I find he does not have much empathy for my son and perceives me as just being too soft with him. It appears to me that he perceives his kids as perfect and mine will never match up to them. He has denied this when I've spoken about it to him. I feel resentful especially because of all the holidays he takes with his kids without me. He has lots of holidays every year with his kids and with mates as he is a keen skier and mountain climber. These are not activities that my kids have ever had the opportunity to try as money has always been tight for me. He is a very high earner with little overheads (he does pay child maintenance to his ex wife but only in proportion to his earnings) whereas, until recently, I have been on an average salary with high housing rent to pay. We have had three holidays with my boys over the three years but no where near as many as he does with his boys or his mates.
He also makes a point of reminding me how much he's financially contributed to any holidays we've had (even though I do pay mine and the boys ways).
If we go away, just the two of us, he does foot the cost and I pay for the odd meal out. I can't complain about that. He does remind me however that he is paying!
All the professionals I have spoken to about my son have said what a great job I am doing In dealing with his problems but my bf is very critical of me.
My bf spends 2 or 3 nights maximum at my home per week. The other night, he put the phone down on me (something he regularly does when he's in a bad mood) and has not called or texted since, despite me texting him a couple of times. To add to this, I was recently made redundant and have had to turn down a new job offer because I need to be at home with my son at the moment, to get him back on track. Money is tighter than ever right now and I resent all the trips my bf goes on with his boys and mates.
He is planning to have xmas with me and my family but is going away skiing for new year with his lads and another family. We have been together 3.5 years and I do not feel our relationship has progressed. I always wanted to have a settled family life and after all this time, it still seems elusive to me. I feel that my bf wants to wait until all the kids have grown and flown the nest before we live together.
I know things are difficult with my 13 year old right now but I doubt if things would be much different in terms of progress even if he was the "perfect" child. I just don't know whether I have a future with my bf. This is the same dilemma I face every few months.
I know life doesn't always go as planned but I never imagined I would still be in this situation after 13 years of divorce and aged 42.
My bf is due to spend xmas with me and my family but is refusing to get an xmas present for my 13 year old son because of his behaviour this year. I suggested to wait until nearer xmas to make that decision as its 6 weeks away yet and he has been making improvements lately now that we are getting a bit of help for him. He says no chance.
Any advice please??

Fishface77 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:14:06

He sounds horrible!
I wouldn't bother with him and I bet he's contributed to your son feeling like a second class citizen which certainly won't have helped his emotional needs!

StillSmallVoice Wed 09-Nov-16 15:18:12

You will never have a settled family life with this man. LTB

cestlavielife Wed 09-Nov-16 15:21:28

too much like hard work
focus on your own son and your own family.

make sure to get some counselling yourself as well so one on one sessions for you as parent with CAMHS

Lostsoul231 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:27:06

I have recently been offered counselling too which I'm going to take up.

WorkAccount Wed 09-Nov-16 15:37:11

I only got as far as I feel he views my sons as "in the way" sometimes.

and my answer was ditch him, everything you have said sounds wrong. No relationship and hookups on tinder (if you have a strong sex drive) sounds better than this.

Lostsoul231 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:45:57

This is part of the dilemma I have.
Is it his actions that are making me feel like that or are my expectations too high?

WorkAccount Wed 09-Nov-16 15:48:06

it doesn't matter if it your expectations or his actions, if after 3 years they do not match you don't have to keep working at it. you won't die without a boyfriend.

Lostsoul231 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:52:09

I know I won't! 😀
Just worked at it for so long and he keeps promising we will have a great future but how and when? Not getting any younger 😬

maroda16 Wed 09-Nov-16 15:56:37

He sounds awful op, your son needs support not punishment from him and to be honest if someone behaved like that towards my kids I'd be getting rid. And the money thing is crazy! So what if he pays for things sometimes, pointing it out to you is just mean, he should be happy to treat you from time to time and certainly should not be asking you for money back when he's annoyed about something. You deserve better OP, get rid of him and give yourself a chance to find it. Best of luck, I hope all goes well for dc's

Teepish Wed 09-Nov-16 15:57:14

Ditch the boyfriend.

wheelwithinawheel Wed 09-Nov-16 16:14:02

Another vote for ditch. There is too much going on here to solve. He doesn't sound very nice angry

Sugarpiehoneyeye Wed 09-Nov-16 17:09:10

End this relationship, It's not healthy, and my bet is, that you're youngest Son, we'll both of them actually, will be much happier, with him off the scene.
Let him jog on, then you can enjoy a very happy Christmas with you're family.
You're still young OP, do not waste these precious years.
This man doesn't love you, it's plain to see, he loves himself. ☹️

Sugarpiehoneyeye Wed 09-Nov-16 17:10:35


Lostsoul231 Wed 09-Nov-16 17:26:13

On Mother's Day, the 4 of us went out for a meal. Bf said, "if I'm paying you'll have to drive" It was Mother's Day and I fancied a glass or two of wine with my meal so I said "no I fancy a drink so will you drive." He drove. Guess what? He made me pay! Not only for mine and the boys meals but for his too. On Mother's Day! I was mortified. Even the boys said, "did you pay mum? On Mother's Day" I just shrugged it off. The more I think if things that have happened, the more I realise huw mean he is

Lostsoul231 Wed 09-Nov-16 17:31:43

He takes his sons out for meals almost weekly plus all the holidays they get. I sound like I'm jealous. I'm not. I just don't feel like me or my sons are treated fairly by him. I know he's not their dad but he can afford to do these things for his kids but chooses not to for mine. I feel second rate to be honest. It hurts my feelings. I don't tell my boys all the things the bf does with his kids at I don't want them to feel left out but how can we possibly move forward as any type of unit like this??

gaelicgirl100 Wed 09-Nov-16 17:47:41

I didn't even get half way through your post, it's just a catalogue of how much of a dick he is!
What does he actually bring to your life that is worth more than the awful way he treats you?

You and your DC deserve SO much better than this. You know this!
No relationship is worth being treated this way.

Please ditch him, a nice clean break, you'll be much happier. Your DC need you to provide an example of how to be in a relationship, taking back gifts, leaving you alone at xmas, moody etc etc? That's not how you treat the person you love.

You are strong enough to do it if you've already left an abusive relationship and as a single mother went to uni on your own!

Good luck.

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