Basically have I ballsed up this morning or is ex being typically unsupportive

(7 Posts)
iMum Sat 05-Nov-16 08:42:06

Brief background.
Split 3 years ago, still very much are we aren't we, no new partners-hang out together a lot-every weekend, close but not close iyswim, think i "need" him more than he needs me.
Ex takes ds to football each Saturday as I work.

Was my ds birthday yest, he got a ds (all bought by me) he has footie this morning and was being super rude about having to get ready, stropping, giving me the oh my gods, pursing his lips and clenching his fist at me etc etc (he is 8) anyway-repeated warnings about this vile behaviour and I say I'll take his ds away for the day if he can't be kind and polite. He was looking forward to having it in the car for footie (about 1/2 hour drive)
He carried on being a toad and so I confiscated it-cue meltdown, these have no wash with me so I carry on.
Ex turns up, late and panicked, sees this conversation between ds and I, doesn't step in to support me re his rudeness but does hear all that is said.
He gets ds in the car which is on the drive doors open, stands there and asks for the ds, I explain that no I'm not letting him have it and why etc ex gets lairy, starts shouting and shouts at me to just fuck off on my driveway-apparently I'm making his life hard.

It would be so easy to give in, but I just don't feel that's the right thing to do, I know that next time I have to remind ds about his behaviour I can bring this story up and he knows I mean what I say. I'd hope ex could support me with this stuff-his son was rude and was warned repeatedly in his own presence what would happen if he couldn't be polite and kind.
I would also say that on the whole ds is a very sweet and loving boy just prone to stroppy outbursts when he is under pressure to get ready for a time etc.
Anyway, I needed to rant-think ex has just be himself and wonder why I entertain him in my life tbh. sad could have been handled so much better if we'd joined forces and approached it as a team.

Squeegle Sat 05-Nov-16 08:47:49

I think ex is being unsupportive. Maybe you and he need to sit down and work out how you should handle discipline. My ex can be like this sometimes, it's very annoying, rude, and ultimately bad for your DS. It does help when we sit down and talk it through (later and without DS being there)

EsmesBees Sat 05-Nov-16 08:49:12

You were right, he was wrong. Only one of you was parenting here.

Bluntness100 Sat 05-Nov-16 08:58:44

Ah, too many "DSs" in there, confused me a bit at first, I assume uou mean a Nintendo ds you bought for his birthday yesterday which he was excited about and you have now confiscated it. That's a bit shit for an eight year old.a big punishment that then extends to the father as he has to deal with the fallout too. A child's birthday gift that's immediately turned into a stick to ensure he behaves.

Hmmm, parenting is never easy, and yes ideally parents support each other, even if separated, but sometimes folks disagree on what is appropriate, and even the best may not support each other when that happens. Clearly your ex didn't feel it was appropriate to take his birthday present. But whether I agree that taking it in the first place or not was right, I do agree that handing it back when the dad asked would have been wrong and sent the wrong message.

Thingvellir Sat 05-Nov-16 09:10:35

You did the right thing - confiscating after due warning for the strop and then standing your ground and carrying through the punishment with your Ex. (My 8 yo DD can behave the same way when she has to get ready to go out, usually when she'd rather stay comfy at home with toys/iPad)

Your ex was not a collaborative co-parent in this and this is the issue that needs addressing I think. Is the on again-off again situation part of the problem?

iMum Sat 05-Nov-16 09:46:53

Thanks for your replies smile
I agree it was a tough punishment having had his ds for only a day however there had been fair repeated warning with firm guidance on what behaviour I did expect from him.
I just feel thoroughly undermined, embarrassed that the neighbours will have heard the way he spoke to me and actually so sad that my ds did here the way he spoke to me.
Ex of course will see no issue with it.
I reeeeeaaally need to work on my self esteem.

Cocksandrubbers Sat 05-Nov-16 11:12:24

I think ex was being unsupportive and should have your back when it comes to discipline.

I had a similar situation yesterday with both dcs, I had to leave work early to pick them up from school as exdp said he had a cold so won't be picking them up, anyway they both threw a massive tantrum in the car kicking and throwing things at me, so I picked up one of their toys and threw it out the window, bad parenting on my part I should have Handled it better.
I called ex to say I was bringing them to him as he usually has them Fridays and he hung up the phone on me saying it's my problem and to deal with it.😡

It's hard when you get no firm support from the other parent and I have never sided with the dcs when he has disciplined them, even if I think he's wrong I will always speak to him after.

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