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Marrieds see me as a coffee daytime friend....

(65 Posts)
gorillatoes Tue 01-Nov-16 20:30:06

...but I rarely get invited to evening barbecues and things like New Year's Eve party gatherings. I suppose it makes sense as even numbers are easier and then the men have someone to talk man stuff with, while the girls chat. (where I live is a v traditional area) .

Every year as New Year or Guy Fawkes or whatever comes round, I am always inviting people as I want my house to be a full and lively home for my son. But I invariably get turned down as couples are invited to another couples and that's a far more fun, festive atmosphered houseful with lots of kids rather than just me and my boy. So we end up alone or thrown together with another lone parent or two who I wouldn't neccessarily choose to spend my time with.

I sound judgemental but I wish I had my own steady circle of friends instead of constantly scrabbling round finding someone to spend time with. It would be so lovely to get invited. I have to extend so many invites and rejections before someone says yes.

Yet when it comes to coffee during the day or when husbands are away, then I am the first to be called. Does anyone else find this? I am starting to worry that is in fact me and that not only can I not keep a relationship, I can only make superficial friends too.

Feeling v sorry for myself tonight.

KickAssAngel Tue 01-Nov-16 20:40:46

I'm married but I completely agree with you. A few years ago I researched a paper about the importance of marriage and there are lots of studies about how single women don't get invited places, for evening things at people's houses. (Men get asked, or get into groups to go to the pub. Women without kids get asked sometimes, Women with kids get left at home alone)

So it's not just you, particularly if you're in a traditional area.

Sorry, I have no answers, unless there are any groups near you for single parents. But why shouldn't you be allowed to socialize with married people?

alltheworld Tue 01-Nov-16 20:45:00

Me too. I get a lot of 'dh is away this weekend, maybe we can get together with the kids'. I once organised a bday bbq and invited some of the mums from school and one came and then said she was doing something similar the following which I was not invited.
It is a shame for the kids. So at weekends we tend to socialise with other single mum families.

glitterandtinsel Tue 01-Nov-16 20:50:35

They're worried that you will steal their husbands. You must be very pretty. Shame there isn't a dating website for single parents to meet up for socialising without all the having to have the being part of a couple. So Bridget Jones.

PhoenixMama Wed 02-Nov-16 10:25:26

I so could have written this - you are def not alone in this. When I had a boyfriend I suddenly had all these invites, when I'm single not a one. I constantly tell married friends they do this and they then realise they have been doing it but then don't change. Sometimes I (evilly) tell myself I can't wait for their marriages to end so they realise how incredibly lonely it is to be a single parent. No advice but I so hear you.

NooNooMummy Wed 02-Nov-16 10:30:43

Totally agree. It's early days for me as a single parent and I'm planning to go to some single parent groups in the hope that I ca find some new friends in the same boat hmmI don't know what else to do. I'm too exhausted and stressed right now...

NooNooMummy Wed 02-Nov-16 10:32:06

I'm finding weekends are the loneliest time as a single parent.

gorillatoes Wed 02-Nov-16 20:40:17

haha Phoenix, I thought I was the only one who had such wicked thoughts! I have been repeating to myself all week a mantra I read in a self help manual, 'I am my own best friend'. How tragic is that?!

The problem with single parent groups is that I feel sort of stigmatised having to hang out like that. I want DS to grow up seeing families of all sorts, rather than just hanging out with a gang of solo parents. Plus the conversation with the few single parents I know often ends up spiralling down into ex bashing and can you believe what the b*%?*d did.

Glitterandtinsel, thank you for your kind words!! You made my day!

Nonoo, how old are your kids? Now mine are school age I find weekends much easier as we have a routine which means even if we don't have social plans, we have to get up and out and it feels sociable.

Question is ladies (and gents), how do we move on from this situation? My biggest fear is that friendship groups of couples are established and I will always be on the sidelines....unless they divorce!!

I feel disappointed in Bridget Jones for becoming a smug married. Like she'd let me down!

Rollercoaster1920 Wed 02-Nov-16 20:50:00

Your only connection with these people is that you ask have children. Get a social life around something you like doing. Join a club!

gorillatoes Wed 02-Nov-16 21:13:50

but that's the whole point, Rollercoaster. As a single parent with no family around, I have DS with me the whole time. So joining a club is not really an option.

So this is why it would be nice to hang out with other families and it seems that weekends and occasions are reserved for 2.4 kid families inviting other 2.4 kid families. Sometimes one family will invite several couples. Once one of them said to me, oh god, I should have invited you, I just didn't think. In their heads, I am in different set. The daytime friend or weekend when husband is off on a stag do/ playing sport.

I have no shortage of people to drink a coffee with but come a bank holiday weekend or New Year's, noone thinks to invite me because I am not a family friend. I am daytime coffee friend/ husband pissing me off so I'll phone up and tell you about how much husband is pissing me off because you're single so will understand.

I have feeling that I am missing out on the aspect of family life where you get invited to a houseful for the evening, the kids play, the Dad's drink and talk sport and the women drink wine. It's a cliche but its one it's a cliche for a reason. And although it sounds terribly cringey written down, I still want to be invited!

alltheworld Wed 02-Nov-16 21:21:06

And don't you love it when their dh is away for a couple of nights and they start moaning about being a single mum!

alltheworld Wed 02-Nov-16 21:24:08

Why would you feel stigmatised hanging out with single parent families?

charlestrenet Wed 02-Nov-16 21:27:59

I know exactly what you mean Op. The worst I experienced was when I used to hang out with a load of nct mums and daytime getting together -- yes fine, evening out or round at each others' houses (including mine) - yes also fine. Then one of them had a massive party, obviously not just for women, all the others were going with husbands etc - not a mention to me at all. I only found out about it because one of the others let slip and then looked really uncomfortable. I was hurt at the time and still don't fully understand it now but having had similar over the years it's almost like you're not a real person to some people if you're not in a couple. Fortunately I have made other nicer friends since.

gorillatoes Wed 02-Nov-16 21:28:46

maybe stigmatised was the wrong word. I paused as I wrote it. I think I mean sidelined or segregated, like single parents hang out with singles and couples with couples. I've had a bad run of inviting and inviting people and everyone being busy doing other stuff or coming but not reciprocating. I am just tired of how hard I have to work to have a social life.

But yes I do love the bit when they moan about their husbands and relish the bed to myself and noone to answer to etc.

gorillatoes Wed 02-Nov-16 21:37:00

sorry alltheworld, misread your first post. Yes, I hear you about the comments 'husband away on business for the week so my Mum coming up to help as I'll be a single parent for the week. Quote unquote. Or so and so is just like a single parent too as husband works long hours (yes and earns a fortune so you have two incomes and someone to give you a break at the weekends). Oh dear, don't get me started down that rant path too! Must remind myself that every one has their trials and tribulations.

charlestrenet Wed 02-Nov-16 21:40:44

Yes everyone has their problems but having a husband who works a lot is not the same as being a single parent! It's a bugbear of mine too.

BratFarrarsPony Wed 02-Nov-16 21:42:29

Yes I had old old friends that turned out like this, all in couples where I was a single parent. They just stopped inviting me.
It is shit.

ivykaty44 Wed 02-Nov-16 21:43:04

Have a look on line at meet ups lots of things to do with other people in the evenings. Book clubs, weekend social drinks, eating out. You can dip in and out and it's not dating.

Bagina Wed 02-Nov-16 21:46:00

I don't have that attitude. I'm married and we don't hang round with other couples, but I always invite the single people to parties and bbqs etc as I remember how lonely I felt when I was single! My mum is a widow and I think of her loneliness too and the need to be out and socialising. I'm sure not everyone needs to do the couple friends thing.

ittooshallpass Wed 02-Nov-16 21:51:49

I hear you OP... I have the exact same problem. I only socialise with other single mums, mums from DDs school or mum's from nct group. All lovely... but holiday times, especially Christmas are just awful. I have no family close by and I desparately scrabble around trying to find a social life for me and my DD. Meanwhile all those mum's I usually see are spending time together as couples/ families having a great time. Never been invited. Ever 😕

ittooshallpass Wed 02-Nov-16 21:55:20

Ivykaty... unfortunately it's not possible to do anything in the evening... as a single mum, you have to look after the children... no babysitters on tap 😕

Dozer Wed 02-Nov-16 21:56:51

What about making friends with people with no DC, or who are older? I do exercise classes with mainly women who don't have DC or whose DC are teens or twenties and they seem to do social stuff and invite others along.

ittooshallpass Wed 02-Nov-16 21:57:49

I have to bite my tongue when other mum's moan that their husband is away and they can't go out. Welcome to my world!

Hufflepuffin Wed 02-Nov-16 22:03:19

When I was a child my single mum took us to woodcraft folk as it was families all together. Not sure if it would be the same these days?

Penhacked Wed 02-Nov-16 22:10:59

Just wanted to say I'm sure it is not you. I have a friend whose dh works away all week. I try to invite her round with the kids each Thurs night for pizza night as I imagine you are really in need of some adult company and friendship by then. Do you have a close friend with whom you could establish a regular thing?
At weekends, we have a lot of friends who work weekends so more often than not, it is just a dad with his dd, a mum with the kids etc. There are not many single parents where I am but def in our friendship group it wouldn't stand out as we are often not in pairs. Could you find some people who work weekends like that who may also need the company? We have friends who are in tourism, hotel receptionists, post office clerks, bakers, tram drivers and funeral directors so are often not around Saturday. The single parent groups sound a great idea. It won't feel weird if you get a few if you together!

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