New year dilemma

[1DAD2KIDS]

My ex wants the kids for a new years party. I am not keen on the idea, let me explain:

Basically 1 1/2 years ago my ex left me, my 4 YO DD and 6 month old DS (at the time) for her step cousin 100 miles away. She was abusive and manipulative. She still tells loads of porkies and I do honestly believe she believes half the lies. We do get on pretty well these days and I am generally quite supportive of her. She is having a hard time of it. She is in an abusive relationship with this man, she is depressed and all out pretty low.

Now my ex has just text me saying she plans to have them over new years eve for a party at the other mans house with his kids and family.

So here's the reasons why I think it is a bad idea:

The other man is abusive, suffers from paranoia and smokes weed (the two are probably linked I guess). I don't really want my kids round such a man. Also I am not saying he's predator as such on my kids but he did originally pursue and date my ex when she had just turned 17 and he was married in his mid 30s. I very open minded and its nothing illegal but still the sort of man in his 30s who chases a 17 YO step relative and sleeps with her poses questions about his character to me.

She tells me that it is over between them now and that she just rents a room of him as she has no where else to go. In fact last week she was complaining about his new GF and how she is always round. If that's the case why does she want our kids befriending the other man and his kids if she has/is going to break up with him and leave as soon as she can get a place of her own? Why would she want the kids to get attached to people in doomed relationship?

I suppose it doesn't help that I don't know any of the people who will be there. I know there will be other kids there but I don't know if the adults will be responsible after some drinks and possible drugs. Of course they maybe very responsible and the party be very kid friendly. But knowing what I know makes me worry.

I get on fine with my ex now. We have just come back from a holiday to Blackpool with the kids. But I don't trust her judgement. She is still telling loads of fibs to me and her family. Me and her family are still very close and we talk. I normally have no problem with her having the kids but I am not sure in this environment.

She never has the kids at her/his place because of mine and her families concerns. When they go up to her once a month they stay at her parents she is fine about having them there. I want her to see the kids more. I want her to sort her life out and get back on her feet. They are her kids too and I don't really want to tell her how to have the kids when they are with her. But considering the above I think this is a bad idea. Especially when she telling me they are not together, she doesn't like him and she wants to leave when she can afford it. Why would she want to get the kids involved with him and his kids?

Makes it harder not knowing what things she says are lies and what is the truth.

[Starlight2345]

I think this is one of those difficult ones.. I can understand your concerns.. However the problem is if they are in her care you have to be able to trust her to make the judgements.

Although that said a 5 and 2 year old are not going to manage to stay awake till midnight..Have you asked what will happen when they get tired? New year for my DS 's first few years of life I spent praying the fireworks didn't wake him up.

[1DAD2KIDS]

I don't know if I trust her. I trust that she would never do anything deliberately that could harm the children. Plus its nice that she has been thinking about the kids as often she tries to avoid having the for too long on her own. She will often cut her fortnightly weekend with them short and/or drop them of at her mums and go out for long periods of time. I think she loves them but finds it hard to handle them alone. But I worry more about the people she is hanging with these days and her judgment plus mental state. I know we are talking one night so whats the risk? But booze and possible drugs are a concern. Not that you cant have a drink round kids but it the amount I worry about.

As to sleeping my ds sleeps through everything. I guess I just worry that she will forget her priorities. But I guess its normal for a resident parent to get worried when their children are with the ex and unknown people. Especially when its 100 miles away. I want her to be able to enjoy the kids and have freedom with them but I do have a bad feeling about. Maybe I am over worrying.

But even if we put all that aside I really don't like the fact that she is bringing them to join with a family unit that according to her she will be leaving soon. I mean WTF that's pretty messed up isn't it? I mean according to her he already has another girlfriend. It don't make sense? dd is 5 and really perceptive, I don't want this confusing her. I don't want her getting really settled with these people up there only to be dragged away from them after my ex stops lodging at her (supposed ex's house). I mean really who wants to introduce their kids to an ex. I know they have had a play date with his kids a few times in the past. Maybe its his kids who are asking them round? If so how is this fair to any of the kids if she intends to leave as soon as she can? Is he putting pressure on her to bring them for some reason? Is she totally lying about them spitting up and about being just a lodger? If so why?

Its just so hard to know because she tell porkies all the time. Even over the most trivial of things. I think its down to MH or a personality disorder but it totally muddies the waters. She doesn't know that me and her family talk all the time. We are very concerned for her. Often it turns out she will tell me one thing, her sisters another and her parents another. I totally don't know if she even know the truth anymore. But I do admit it adds doubt to my trust in her with the kids.

Its very tricky because they are her kids too. I want to be fair but my number one priority is the kids welfare.

[1DAD2KIDS]

I think I have got to the bottom of why she wants the kids at this party so much. She obviously wants to go to this party but the kids are with her over new year. If the kids stay with her parents in stead of the party there will be pressure to spend New Years at her mums as well. If she goes to the party without the kids her parents will kick off about her dumping the kids again for other things. That's a fair call because she rarely has the kids and when she does she often dumps them or drops them off early.

I am happy to have the kids new year. But this would mean her dropping them off early.

AIBU or is this yet again putting her own selfish needs before the kids? Its not much to ask for her to put the kids first considering she only sees them twice a month?

[Starlight2345]

Is it too much to ask in the real world no..

Sadly though parents who are unable to put their kids first rarely develop any ability to do so ime.

Frustrating when that is what you do yourself.

[1DAD2KIDS]

It is frustrating. She is pushing for an answer. I think I need to tell her I think its a bad idea? I know her parents would object to it too. Hopefully that will be ok with her.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Panic over. I simply offered to have them at mine instead and she dropped them like it's hot. Now she can enjoy her party and not worry about them or what people think.

I guess I am happy at the result bit sad too. I don't think her selfish attitude towards the kids will change.