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Ex has booked a family holiday...

(160 Posts)
Bythebeach Tue 25-Oct-16 17:29:36

...and excluded my DS1. It's even worse as the timing falls over when DS makes one of his regular trips to see them - he has always seen them the week over NY. Not this year as they are going on holiday without him.
They (ex, wife, their two kids) are going ski-ing. DS1 loves ski-ing a lot. We could not afford to go last year. Ex knows this. Luckily we may be able to go this year - but that is not the point...the point is they keep banging on about him being part of their family but their actions exclude him. Ex did not even have the balls to tell him as when I asked him what he said when they told him, he said they didn't but 'littlest sibling' told him.
It messes with his head. He said his dad was lovely driving him home and he clearly feels warmth and love. But he cannot ask a simple question or challenge anything. I can't imagine the amount he would kick off if we ever went on holiday without him (not that we would!).
He's just back from his half-term trip - the air-bed he had in the room of his 6.5+yrs younger was upgraded to a sofa bed in the lounge, which he found more comfortable but still no space of his own. There is another bedroom - but it is sacred as it is a 'study'!!

Why, why, why is there so little effort from them to make him welcome? Do they not read any of the basic tips on making a non-resident child feel at home? And yet so much anger from them when he doesn't want to come and an unsaid constant implication that it is me that influences him not to!

laidbackmummy13 Mon 12-Dec-16 20:53:56

Maybe he can't afford it?

Waltermittythesequel Mon 12-Dec-16 20:57:56

I can't imagine the amount he would kick off if we ever went on holiday without him (not that we would!)

Who are you talking about?

Bythebeach Sat 17-Dec-16 20:54:54

Sorry Walter - my DS1. I just meant DS1 felt completely unable to raise his disappointment and feeling left (out of the holiday) with his dad which I was contrasting with how much DS1 would loudly express himself to us were we, his resident family, to leave him out of a holiday!

And laidback, perhaps they can't afford it but if they were actually willing to discuss issues and actually co-parent, DS1 might understand that as the reason. And, to be honest, we would have paid for DS1 to go with them rather than feel rejected.

It's their claim that he is part of their family couple with leaving him out that upsets me. What parent does that? I certainly wouldn't book a 'family' holiday but leave one of my 3 behind because I can only afford to take 2!!

laidbackmummy13 Sat 17-Dec-16 21:08:55

Sounds harsh but we can't afford to take my sd on our days out or holidays. She doesn't miss out as she is an only child at her mums and they have more trips than us. is not due to spite etc.. we simply cannot afford it. We have two of our own, ten years between sd and my also hard to find something they all would enjoy.

Just a sec, gotta get baby

Bythebeach Sat 17-Dec-16 21:25:41

It's good to have that perspective, laidback, but I do struggle with it in that DS1 doesn't get a lot of time with his dad due to distance and so misses out on having his dad in his life day to day and holidays are a lovely bit of family life that they could actually include him on. And, as I said, we would actually pay on this occasion when it's both an activity DS1 loves and his usual time for visiting!

CanandWill Sat 17-Dec-16 21:28:23

Sorry op. That is awful. A family holiday should include all the children. Your poor son.

rookiemere Sat 17-Dec-16 21:30:32

I'm so sorry your DS is getting treated like this.
It stinks that they can't manage at least a futon in the study for him.
Is it worth contacting your ex and offering to pay for some of the ski trip? Skiing is expensive, and whilst that does not excuse your DS being excluded, then perhaps an offer of some contribution might sway him.

Everytimeref Sat 17-Dec-16 21:31:18

How old is your son? It might be affordability. Kid rates are only upto 12.
It also very difficult to get accommodation for 5.

Nursenat100 Sat 17-Dec-16 21:33:59

How horrible. In fact it's inexcusable. Your son is as much his child as the other two. It should be all go or non go. He's not less important just because he doesn't live with his father. I'm outraged on your behalf!

WhisperingLoudly Sat 17-Dec-16 21:36:42

Your poor son.

Your excited sounds like an arse - who treats their kids like that FFS?!

Bythebeach Sat 17-Dec-16 21:37:22

It's tricky, Rookie, because due to other issues (son's decreasing happiness with visits to father, ex not paying maintenance for months-see old threads), amicable relations broke down in January this year and I can't call to discuss and I guess not being able to talk like normal makes everything so much worse.
Son's 11 Every. Perhaps affordability-they barely communicate with me so I don't know.

blondiebonce Sat 17-Dec-16 21:38:38

laidback ...but your stepD is his DD just as much as your two DDs you have together. Essentially he is choosing to treat her differently. It doesn't really matter what her DM can afford as the point is the rejection. If he can't afford to do things with all 3, can you not find cheaper things? If you couldn't afford to take both of your DDs to something would you exclude one and take the other anyway? confused
Speaking from a lone parent who doesn't get much help towards clothes and activities because his GF has expensive taste.

OP poor DS sad his F is a prize arse.

blondiebonce Sat 17-Dec-16 21:40:21

* Ex "D"P's Gf has expensive taste.

laidbackmummy13 Sat 17-Dec-16 21:44:21

Very different if contact is not regular..

Blondiebus, my children are much much younger...I feel they have a right to enjoy these things that my sd already has experienced.

Think about it this kids aren't invited when she goes away with her mum? Still their half sister, still two missing out, yet I don't go demanding they not do anything or go anywhere because my two are left out.
It's just the way it is in these situations. My kids don't always get to do what she does and she doesn't always get to do what mine get to...just the way it has to be.

Sorry kinda bitter about it...fed up of being told my children should go without.

laidbackmummy13 Sat 17-Dec-16 21:45:50

And very different if it's when he is meant to be there...that's kinda arseish

Bythebeach Sat 17-Dec-16 21:46:13

You expressed that well Blondie - I didn't want to be harsh to laidback but I feel the same. DS1 is treated v different from ex's subsequent kids and it feels inherently unfair.

laidbackmummy13 Sat 17-Dec-16 21:47:43

Everyone entitled to opinion lol...I'm on the other side and it's very very hard to keep everyone happy but very easy to piss everyone off lol

blondiebonce Sat 17-Dec-16 21:50:06

laidback I do see your points. It's such a tricky subject/situation. I don't think your DDs should go without. I'm just thinking about how I'd feel in the future if my DD was treated like OPs and felt any kind of hurt or rejection.
If you've sorted it so it works that she doesn't feel that way- great! Would be great if someone in that situation could teach OPs ex on the art of tact for going about it!

WhisperingLoudly Sat 17-Dec-16 21:51:57

laidback won't comment on whether your DC should go without but your DH sounds like a pig. How do you bear being married to someone who treats their own child do shabbily?!

laidbackmummy13 Sat 17-Dec-16 21:53:57

We try...doesn't always work...but we try. TBH we don't have any money to go on holiday...only days out and that's cause mine go free so it's common knowledge we're broke..
But there is still miscommunications and someone always feels left out. But unfortunately that's life..

In this particular case though he should have arranged it for another time if contact with the son is rare and this is one of the short times.

Bythebeach Sat 17-Dec-16 21:56:04

Yes laid-back - much more arseish and full of rejection when it's one of the fixed the times he's visited them for them for the last ten years.

I can see what you mean about your kids laid-back.... but it is fairly common that subsequent kids in a normal nuclear family don't have quite as much as a firstborn due to less time and less money so I don't see that non-resident half-sibs should necessarily be different from any normal younger siblings. And ultimately, if you feel it is unfair to your kids to lose out on these material things, it seems much more unfair to me that DS1 cannot live with both his parents. To then not be taken on holiday is not about material things but about further rejection and alienation from his father.

Northernlurker Sat 17-Dec-16 21:56:14

It's very easy to piss people off when you're wrong laidback. And that's what you are and that's what this father is.

He and your partner have three children each. You want to do a family holiday, you take all of the family and you cut your cloth accordingly. That's what it means to have three children. You knew he had a child when you chose to have children with him. You should have counted the cost of that.

By excluding the son in the ops case, the daughter in yours, the child is effectively carrying the can for the parents lack of foresight. That's pretty crap parenting. I would urge you to think again and ensure family holidays include all of your family.

Lunar1 Sat 17-Dec-16 22:00:03

It's a disgusting attitude. A dad of three should treat his children the same. If there is a holiday she should chose one he can afford to take all his children on.

No amount of trips with the other parent makes up for a child being excluded from one family.

Maybe83 Sat 17-Dec-16 22:02:09

I'm a sm and both my dd and ss have a step parent and sibling 's in their other homes.

Dh and I have a dd together. My dd isn't part of my ss resident family. Just as she isn't part of my dd dad's family. The three of them though are all part of our family. There is no way we would go away with our smallest dd and say to the other two tough you have other parents to sort you out with a holiday/day out etc etc.

We can't control what our older children get or experience with there other parents we can only control what we can give the three children we have in our family.

It's a shitty shitty thing to do and the fact they haven't even told him about it shows deep down they know it.

The fact your ds hasn't spoken to him about it shows how insecure in his relationship with him he is.

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